You shouldn’t mix your private life with your professional one. For instance, if my editor had not known I were the father of a 5-year-old he never would have proposed that I volunteer for a silly investigation into the reported sperm donor shortage in France. Of the 350 donors in 2006, only 250 were selected, giving birth to 1,122 babies. And despite a big ad campaign last year, the rate remains too low–parents asking for frozen cum will have to wait up to two years to get their hands on a sample. So of course I could not refuse the charitable opportunity to jerk off with a purpose or to potentially inseminate a famous Parisian actress dating an impotent French writer.
Posts Tagged ‘wanking’
France’s jizz drought
Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath: Cock-stuffing
In my experience, people will get weird shit lodged in every available orifice – and the urethra is no exception. Now, I don’t have a penis so perhaps it’s hard for me to understand, but the only time anyone has put anything up my urethra was during an STD screening and I was moments away from kicking the doctor in the head. Painful, humiliating, and categorically not erotic. But apparently this is exactly what gets some people off, though they normally regret it after. Read more »
Wanking - a gift from the Greek Gods
First it was being gay, then it was being a nonce and now it’s jerking off. The Ancient Greeks were a salacious bunch. Maybe the scholars amongst you already knew this, but according to history’s educated perverts, wanking, apparently, is sacred. Yup. Can you hear that sound? The one a bit like the slapping of a sausage against a rubber glove? A gentle creak of the mattress? The soft vibrations of an electric toothbrush in an all girl dormitory? That, my friends, is the sound of a million 14-year-olds celebrating the best news since Ritalin.
Reviewing sex toys with Aidan Moffat
The Tenga Flip Hole, beautiful isn’t it?
Aidan Moffat has done many things, including being in one of my favourite bands. But, as with all of us, there are some experiences which have escaped him. Maybe they are too sordid, shitty or dull, but now, for Vice, he’s aiming to experience all those missed sensations of life’s gross tapestry. Why? Because ignorance is a good thing to lose. This week he begins with electronic male masturbation aides. Classy.
Dos and Dont’s
Man, that’s intense. First “Baloo” dies after only a few years, then the other best friend dies. He can go to shows and do shots and maybe even talk to some chicks, but without his two bros waiting for him, it’s just not the same. Those guys were more than just dogs. They were... no wait. They were just dogs. THEY WERE FUCKING DOGS, GUY! MOVE ON.
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Here we have a look called “intern at a shitty fashion magazine that is about to fold.” Rolled-up grunge jeans, thrift-store suede boots, and a shirt she stole off the market editor’s desk. Have fun there, porkpie. You’ll be temping at a real estate office soon enough.
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