It’s been a fucking weird past week. I’ve been drinking way too much (again), a family of rabid foxes have moved into my back garden, and a midget kicked me in the shins for looking at it funny. Then, mysteriously, someone posted the photo above as my desktop image, and I’ve been traumatised ever since. On top of this, I’ve had to put up with the excruciatingly tedious drivel pouring out from the Conservative party conference. Who gives a shit if they all got wrecked off expensive bottles of champagne? They’re rich toffs. That’s what they do. They drink champagne and ‘hate’ on the poor. That’s kind of why they exist. Read more »
Posted on October 9th, 2009 | 3 Comments
Tagged: Bible, Cage-fighting, Conservative conference, iran, japan, Lego, salaryman, Sweden, swine flu
Tens of thousands of people rolling around in each other’s masticated filth while high on every household substance that the part-time dealers can successfully powder or pill is a recipe for self-harm. The entire festival site is an adult playpen designed to facilitate the sort of debauchery that normally ends in a hospital visit. Which is why, I thought, being a festival paramedic must suck. Not only are you forced to stay sober while everyone around you descends into gurning, grinning morons, but you have to fix them when it goes wrong. Read more »
Posted on July 29th, 2009 | 12 Comments
Tagged: Festivals, swine flu
I felt a bit rough last Thursday night but put it down to the incredibly long day spent exclusively with my son, which would be enough to wear out the toughest of tough guys. Probably just tired, I thought, and went to bed at about 1 AM – an early night for me – thinking I’d be fine come the morning. I woke up two and a half hours later, dripping in sweat and unable to breathe. Read more »
Posted on July 28th, 2009 | 5 Comments
Tagged: age, aidan moffat, swine flu
I’m not a trendsetter. Nor am I really a follower. When something new presents itself in my sphere it takes me a while to get used to the idea of it being around. BlackBerry? Trust me, I’ll get one in a few years, but right now I’m content with my flip phone. Drop-crotch pants? No thank you, I still enjoy the high-waist variety, camel-toe properties and all. Count me out for anything with a line or a waiting list attached. So me getting the swine flu a few weeks after the initial media hubbub had quieted but still during its very exclusive pre-pandemic phase was somewhat out of character. What can I say? Sometimes I’m a one-among-thousands sort of gal.
Read more »
Posted on May 29th, 2009 | 5 Comments
Tagged: BEVERLY HAMES, ill, pandemic, swine flu
Only a couple of weeks ago some drunk guy at a party was shouting at me about swine flu and I had no idea what he was talking about. Now pandemic profiteers are selling Tamiflu (one of swine flu’s only treatments) for more than $300 a box. By weight that’s 14 times more valuable than gold. I just got this hysterical email from an online pharmacy selling the stuff. Read more »
Posted on May 5th, 2009 | 2 Comments
Tagged: relenza, swine flu, tamiflu
While dodging our mums’ phone calls urging us not to go out in public until they’ve figured out this whole swine flu doozy, we decided to investigate who may have predicted this spreading morass. And it turns out the prophet is…Jello Biafra. Maybe we’ve ribbed the guy in the past for his “politics,” but we are not the type to demean a bona fide prescient being (um, plus he shows up in this season’s Soft Focus so we should probably chill on the merciless abuse). His song “Swine Flu” may have seemed like the 1991 tabloid joke of an old guy stuck on teenage diatribes, but 18 years later we’re convinced he’s the next Briansdreams (that’s where avian flu was first predicted). In 2024, according to his album released in 2006, watch for werewolf overpopulation and Moses returning to give blowjobs.
Read more »
Posted on April 29th, 2009 | No Comments
Tagged: Jello Biafra, Nostradamus, swine flu, The Mayans
Great news about swine flu isn’t it? I always hoped I’d live to see the human population wiped out by sneezing pigs, and now it’s happening. First the elderly and the infirm will die, then the poor, and then the young; but not me, for a bit at least. These health emergencies really bring out the best in me. After a year of first looting hospitals for vaccines, then shooting any friend who sneezes, and finally, refusing to leave my fortified tower of health, I’ll starve to death because I’ll be Howard Hughes in a Mad Max landscape. Mostly though, I’m confident about my chances of living through this apocalypse influenza, after all, I survived Bird Flu didn’t I? Read more »
Posted on April 27th, 2009 | 10 Comments
Tagged: Batman: Contagion, bird flu, Channel 4, Death, swine flu, World Cup 2006
