Here is a secret you should not ever tell anyone: porn is boring. Wait, you already knew that it’s not taboo anymore so there’s no dirty thrill, and that kneehigh stockings and pigtails and baby-shaved, tattooed mons pubii don’t actually look all that great? Shucks. Well, it’s dying, hallelujah–its business model is being raped by the internet (which is a serial rapist that should be put on trial)–and death makes some people nostalgic. What to do to save it? Make it into a competitive sport. Competition, as we all know from corporate anti-tax lobbying groups, inspires innovation.
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Posted on October 27th, 2009 | No Comments
Tagged: Competition, Hump!, porn
Thank goodness the 70’s were so sleazy, fun, and depraved. If you’ve ever tried to grab a quick minute and shamelessly rummage through poor old mum and dad’s stuff, chances are you have been gifted with at least one gloriously lewd, hairy, drugged-out sex artifact. You might find a decrepit half-joint in a John Denver album or one of those really giant, really loud-ass old vibrators that (compared to my glittery jelly purple device from Spencer’s gifts) looks like a scary white truncheon made of a whale jaw. But thanks to my Dad’s healthy sexual Scorpio curiosity, ransacking his attic recently was a historical adventure into the 70’s when almost everybody was attending viewings of Deep Throat. I exhumed a dusty treasure stack of disintegrating Screw newsprint magazines that totally made the Playboy stack nearby look like a bunch of Newport News catalogs. Read more »
Posted on October 20th, 2009 | 7 Comments
Tagged: Al Goldstein, orgy, porn, Screw
Wesel is about as jerkwater as it gets. It’s not only one of the most boring towns in Germany, it also doesn’t seem to ever produce any news that is NOT related to sex. It seems like the people there care so little about anything that they don’t even give a damn about an ex-porn star becoming up for election “against her will…”
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Posted on July 30th, 2009 | 5 Comments
Tagged: Dolly Buster, Mrs. Baumberger, porn, wesel
Holy fucking guacamole! This installment of Hey Ron! addresses a man who thinks he’s discovered that the lady he’s engaged to has sex on film for money. Ron sets our buddy straight and manages to teach us a thing or two about the ways of the heart in the process.
Hey Ron!
I was surfing through the internet the other night looking for some really good porn, and I stumbled across a video that I’m 99 percent certain features my fiancée, who I’ve been seeing for three years. I watched in disgust as she was defiled by two men on either side of her and almost threw my monitor across the room. She is on vacation right now, and I haven’t said anything to her yet. What should I do? If it’s her I need to know, but if it’s not her she will be so offended she might break up with me (and she’ll know that I look at porn!). Anyway, if it turns out to be her and she owns up to the fact, do you think there’s any chance of working things out?
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Posted on July 29th, 2009 | 26 Comments
Tagged: fiancée, Hey Ron!, porn, porn star
The old Watarase Keikoku railroad that runs through the Tochigi Prefecture a few hours north of Tokyo claims to end in the tiny mountain village town of Mato, but that’s a lie. Check things out from outer space and you’ll see that the tracks continue into the mountain wilderness to one final destination no longer acknowledged by the mapmakers. Read more »
Posted on June 2nd, 2009 | 25 Comments
Tagged: Communism, Kanto Plane, Mato, Meiji, porn, Tochigi Prefecture, Watarase Keikoku
All those times you eek out a sad little load over a bored looking woman on your computer, do you ever think about whether they ended up killing themselves over the distress their line of work caused them? Well, Marilyn Chambers, the one time face of laundry detergent advertising turned jizz mop, has died. Read more »
Posted on April 14th, 2009 | 11 Comments
Tagged: dead, marilyn chambers, myspace, over doses, pain, porn, suicide
I once looked through my mom’s scrapbook when I was in high school and I found some pictures of a dick and balls cake with candles on top. It fucking weirded me out. Eight years later I realize whatever dude, she was just partying with her friends and ate a dick cake. If she can appreciate a good dick, so can I. So I ventured out of my prude cocoon to interview the bunch of girls behind Ligerbeat, a brand-new porn mag for ladies who appreciate all things dick. So kids, you know what’s coming next. If you are not old enough to buy porn, don’t read on. Read more »
Posted on March 5th, 2009 | 17 Comments
Tagged: blogs, cakes, New York, penis, porn
