New Year’s resolutions are gaywad. I’ve never made any until this year and wouldn’t you know it, the first time I do my New Year’s resolution bit me on the ass. Read more »
Posts Tagged ‘Meet the Nieratkos’
MEET THE NIERATKOS - MY TOES HAS A KIDNEY PROBLEM
MEET THE NIERATKOS: BEST DUDE EVER?
We have a friend of the family by the name of Chris Germaine (we try to only surround ourselves with people named Chris. The black lion in our Christmas card? Also Chris.) and he might be the best dude ever. He is as American, salt of the Earth as they come, and he is a super-duper hunter, as you can see from the photos. Read more »
MEET THE NIERATKOS - CHRISTMAS… SO IT BEGINS
I’m not sure if you remember last year when I showed you the guy in my neighbourhood whose house is covered with Christmas lights or not. But here it is again. Read more »
Meet the Nieratkos - Halloween with retarded Uncle Lonnie
Tuesday was my wife’s retarded Uncle Lonnie’s annual Halloween party at the Elks Lodge. I wasn’t permitted to go this year because I had to watch the baby, or, as Lonnald refers to him, “that brat”. As you can see from the four party-jams dance videos, the party, as always, was a helluva good time. Read more »
Meet the Nieratkos - Baby in the belly
Remember when I used to piss and moan about not being able to get my wife, Cris Nieratko, pregnant? Man, those were the days. At least back then I was getting laid. Now I’m looking at six weeks until Christopher II: The Foetus Strikes Back is released and it’s all baby, all the time. No more yanky my wanky.
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Meet the Nieratkos: I got another girl pregnant
Oh, this is horrible. I generally have a strong policy against feeling bad about anything I do ever but this one is eating away at me. I can’t sleep at night, I feel awful. You see, I have impregnated another woman (not my wife). I feel like Elliot Spitzer or one of the many other famous pieces of shit that gets wrapped up in scandal such as this. I have a feeling this is going to make things weird between me and my wife. Especially since, you know, our own kid is due in three months. Read more »
Meet the Nieratkos - Photo reject
Do you know that routine with the football that Lucy would pull on Charlie Brown? Where she yanks it away each and every time he runs to kick it so he eats shit? That’s basically how my relationship is with Vice. And I’m stupid Charlie Brown.
Meet The Nieratkos: M.O.R.E.
When I was younger, I skated with a fat kid named Fat Matt who had a stuttering problem. He was the best dude. So jolly. He couldn’t ollie but he could do the craziest step-off tricks. One time he fell hard at a skate contest and someone videotaping him jokingly asked, “You OK, Fat Matt?” His response was, “Puh-p-p-p-p-pah… FUCK YOU.” Classic. Ever since then I’ve been looking for another jolly fat kid to replace the void that Fat Matt left. Last November I found him and, OMG, his name was Matt. Fat Matt was back! Read more »
Meet the Nieratkos - Janine and Bruce
While I was out in LA working I got this email from my wife:
You remember Janine from Lonnie’s H.o.G. gatherings? Of course you do. Well, I haven’t seen Janine in a while and Tuesday at Lonnie’s Ice Cream Social she came over to me and asked me in her high-pitched voice, “Are you carrying a baby?” I said, “Yes, I am.” She said, “You didn’t look like you were carrying a baby at the Christmas party.”
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Meet the Nieratkos: A death
We interrupt Chris’ life of comedy with a moment of seriousness. I found out the other day that a person I knew in a former life hanged himself. His name was Shannon McFadden. He was my age. Many that know New Jersey skateboarding knows the guy used to kill it on a skateboard, even recently I heard he had been killing the KCDC miniramp. But it’s safe to say that skateboarding was his most redeeming quality. Read more »
Meet the Nieratkos: Cuba, part 1
Recently a crew of 18 friends and I flew to Cuba (via Panama) to give away skateboards to the kids down there who can’t get them because of the embargo. The full stories will appear in Vice and The Skateboard Mag in a few months. You can read the background story here. Or watch this inspirational little documentary on the scene down in Havana that prompted us to put the trip together.
Meet the Nieratkos - It’s a boy!/girl!
Vice is a fucking jinx. I’ve known it for years but I’ve done my best to not let it get to me, but enough is enough. I can’t live like this! Friday the new Technology Issue comes out announcing to the world that Crissie and I are having a baby and wouldn’t you know, the very next night she had to get rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. WTF? She was doing fine! Read more »
