Posts Tagged ‘internet’
People I am stalking
Speaking of spying on people, I used to have a fairly gross addiction to Star, InTouch, Life & Style, and OK! magazines. I was buying ‘em weekly, burning through them like bacon-wrapped OxyContins. They were kind of like a masturbate-y, cracky, bulimic indulgence that left me feeling like a raw, cold Pop-Tart on a paper towel. And, every week, even after total regret and sitting in a puddle of dumb, wishing I had my time and money back, I still blood-thirstily went back for more. Now, after years of rotting my brain with celebrity pics, I need more and more people pics to satiate my photo fix. Heroin is people!
I want a freak, not a killer
I’m into freaks. Really tall, deathly thin guys who look like they’re dying, deaf guys, guys who seem like they might have a slight mental retardation – basically anyone who looks like they were bullied at school. However, since immersing myself within a universe of hipster trendoid fucktards, I sometimes find it difficult to meet the sort of guys I’m looking for. So, in search of my freak boyfriend, I’ve put an ad up on gumtree.com advertising my love of genetic anomalies. Read more »
Sexy people’s sexy people
Distracted by the quotidian, we oft forget some crucial details of our past: the time we wore that brown turtleneck, or when our 12-year-old cousin sported an insane curly weed bud ponytail a la Roberto Baggio. But to defeat this miasma of forgetting and regret, along comes a funny Italian guy who can set all our worries aside and save our forgotten photos from the accidental flooding of our cellars or the spontaneous combustion of our family albums. Then he takes all those pictures and puts them up on a thing you’ve already seen called Sexy People, which we brought to your attention a while ago. Usually these kinds of projects dry up faster than a pet newt you forgot to water while on a three-day bender, but nope, not this one. We decided to ask him a few questions and take a dive in a pool of secretarial sex-appeal circa 1978 and adolescent despair.
Fithy rotten over-charging liars
A few weeks ago we heard about the latest Internet invention: AlibiNetwork. The company specialises in assisting customers to fabricate lies. Have two boyfriends and want to have a get away for the weekend with a third without either of them knowing? Well, this is the place to call. In a flash they’ll come up with a fake job interview so you just have to get out of town for a few days. Don’t want to break up with your girlfriend? I’m sure they’d fake your death to help you avoid that, too. $175 for a forged immigration document? What a steal! Because we’re liars and may one day rely on these monsters, we decided to test their credibility and give them a call.
