Hey, are you a complete motherfucking idiot? Would you like a hot tub? Some geniuses in Long Island have a total bargain for you, and all you have to do is stage some kind of extremely precarious backyard Bosch scenario where you behave like a human lobster and slowly roast yourself until you perish. Just balance this giant sink on wooden bar stools and light a bonfire underneath it–and get your friends to shiver in their towels waiting for their chance to possibly die in any number of retarded ways that will have their friends and family wondering how they lived this long in the first place. Complete listing below.
Posts Tagged ‘idiots’
Stupid conversation hits new heights
Communication retardation is nothing new in our society. We’ve all stood behind someone in the check-out line at the grocery store who, for whatever reason, is updating the person on the other end about their festering herpes sores. And what kind of Frankenstein aggregate stats counter would it take to determine how many people have lost their jobs by Facebooking “doing nothing but pretending like I’m busy and CA$HING IN!” status updates while on the clock? But those are nothing compared to a new trend that’s emerging, a level of annoying cell phone behavior that has made me start passive-aggressively responding to text messages, “Who is this? I lost my phone with all my contacts.” Because everyone knows that’s code for “You’ve been deleted.”
Total ledge, mate, total ledge
Since hands were invented, stupid students have been stealing useless objects found in the street to adorn their shitty dorm rooms. Traffic signs and cones are the most common items on display, but you will also see all sorts of other pointless shit like police tape or construction hats. All so they can sit around drinking Yazoo, eating burger sauce, and saying things like, “Ha ha, remember the time Xander stole that traffic cone?” “Ha ha, yeah, what ledge.” Read more »
Meet the Nieratkos - Baby in the belly
Remember when I used to piss and moan about not being able to get my wife, Cris Nieratko, pregnant? Man, those were the days. At least back then I was getting laid. Now I’m looking at six weeks until Christopher II: The Foetus Strikes Back is released and it’s all baby, all the time. No more yanky my wanky.
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Nerds give it up for free
A lot of my colleagues at Vice have been getting obsessed with geeks dressing up recently, be they Japanese or Brazilian, so, when I went to MCM at the weekend, I looked for something which, rather than expressing each costumer’s individuality, would exhibit a sense of togetherness. I found hugs. Maybe you’ve already heard of the “Free Hugs” meme. Invented from a single memeogenesis in 2004, it was the subject of a breakout YouTube video in 2006, briefly popping up on Oprah that year too. Occasionally, you might have occasionally glimpsed one or two disciples holding up “Free Hugs” placards at a railway station or suchlike. But in addition to being the nerd Kaaba, MCM is also probably the biggest annual manifestation of the hugs movement in the world. How many exactly? Well, I’m glad you asked that question…
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Flashmobbers: The ugly, twee, silly little children of social disobedience
If your journey home last Friday involved traversing Liverpool Street station, then you were shit outta luck. The station was forced to close for an hour and a half, from 7pm, due to 12,000 smug, self-indulgent idiots giving thousands and thousands of pounds of free advertising to T-Mobile by recreating one of their adverts. What a whimsical generation we are. And oh great, I just did a Facebook events search for ‘flash mob’ and over 500 results came up. I guess it doesn’t matter to anyone that they were invented by some guy at Harper’s Magazine to make fun of people’s need to be in on the next big thing OR that they are no longer shocking to ANYONE (Even my 95 year old Great Aunt knows what they are) OR that if you go to one, you’re gonna be surrounded by people like this….
