You know that feeling when you have drunk so much you wake up and the pain is only matched by your nauseating shame, then you realise there’s a warm naked body beside you and you have no idea who it is? When you can feel their arse hair rubbing against your naked thighs, and yet as far as you know you’re not even on first-name terms with the stranger? Well, that is what it’s like for this man every morning, and not because he’s a player.
Read more »
Posts Tagged ‘Dr Mona Moore’
Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath: One-night stand syndrome
Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath - Fat chance
There comes a point in life when you realise that it’s time to diet. When you require medical equipment designed for elephants you’ve reached that stage. I once had to phone a zoological veterinary surgery to see if they had an MRI big enough for my 32-stone patient. They said no. Apparently both the legality and plausibility of hospital/zoo equipment-trading is a myth propagated by Scrubs and spread amongst doctors exasperated at how to penetrate layers of custardised junk-food. Anyway, they turned my 32-stoner away from the zoo. That’s tragic. Read more »
Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath: What I know about death
I haven’t cried for a patient in over five years. I worry I’ve become a cold-hearted bitch who makes small children scream, jabs old ladies with needles, and remains unfazed in the face of relentless suffering. Read more »
Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath: Cock-stuffing
In my experience, people will get weird shit lodged in every available orifice – and the urethra is no exception. Now, I don’t have a penis so perhaps it’s hard for me to understand, but the only time anyone has put anything up my urethra was during an STD screening and I was moments away from kicking the doctor in the head. Painful, humiliating, and categorically not erotic. But apparently this is exactly what gets some people off, though they normally regret it after. Read more »
Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath: The perfect pussy
While working as a GP I had a patient who would not stop complaining about her flaps – vaginal flaps that is, or labia minora to be precise. Miss Vagina Whiner first came to me saying she had lost all pleasure from sexual intercourse because she was so embarrassed by her saggy lips, which drooped about her clitoris like the slobbery chops of an over-bred dog. I found it curious she had shaved prior to her appointment, and wondered if this was to highlight the outlandish size of her flaps. Read more »
Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath: Hearing voices
I was having a moment of self-loathing on the tube yesterday as I recalled a particularly drunken misadventure and without meaning to I groaned and hit myself in the head a few times with my book, saying: “Idiot, idiot, idiot.” Everyone on the tube turned and starred. I realised that must be what it’s like to be mad. The voice in your head becomes so overwhelming that it requires action.
Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath: What not to do for an erection
Welcome once again to our grimly insightful and honest column from a young British doctor. This week, Dr Moore remembers some chillingly stupid attempts to maintain a hard-on.
