Given that most of us will never be given a state funeral and buried in Westminster Abbey alongside Dickens, Chaucer and most of the Plantagenet kings, it’s probably worthwhile thinking about how you could go to the happy hunting grounds in style. After all, if you don’t, your ashes will probably end up being scattered on your local high street while your only surviving mate wonders how he’s going to get back to his nursing home. So here’s some funeral-style stuff you can force your stricken mourners to get involved with. Read more »
Posted on September 30th, 2009 | 7 Comments
Tagged: Catholic, Death, Estonia, Hippies, Mummification, Religion
I’m all up for stoicism. Moaning little self-involved bitches make me feel ill. My granddad fought in a tank in a desert and saw his matey get eviscerated, then spent six months in a prisoner of war camp, and he wasn’t a little moaning bitch about it. Still though, once being stoic turns into a t-shirt that says, “My husband went to death via cancer, and all I got was this shitty shirt”, you’ve officially gone too far and strayed into psychosis. You’ve also strayed into this company’s target audience. Read more »
Posted on July 30th, 2009 | 8 Comments
Tagged: ashes, Death, urns
A dentist friend treated a woman who had done so much cocaine it had rotted a hole between her nose and mouth, as well as perforating her septum. That shits on Daniella Westbrook. This woman had a 3cm by 1.5cm wide black rancid pit on the roof of her mouth through which her rotting nose would drip. Her mouth was her brain’s own colostomy bag. Read more »
Posted on June 30th, 2009 | 45 Comments
Tagged: cocaine, Death, doctors, Drugs
We’re a cruel and boring bunch of idiots and the other day we were boringly and cruelly teasing our intern about getting kicked out of college for putting vodka in the punch at the prom. Then she told us the real reason that she was kicked out and now we’re not taking the piss anymore. Read more »
Posted on May 21st, 2009 | 38 Comments
Tagged: break down, Death, paranoia, suicide
I haven’t cried for a patient in over five years. I worry I’ve become a cold-hearted bitch who makes small children scream, jabs old ladies with needles, and remains unfazed in the face of relentless suffering. Read more »
Posted on May 18th, 2009 | 11 Comments
Tagged: Bollocks to The Hippocratic Oath, Death, Dr Mona Moore
It’s funny how you don’t think you’re squeamish until someone drops a freshly severed rabbit’s head in front of you and tells you to stick your hand up it and turn its ears inside out. I’ve tried to explain this to people. “What did you expect?” they ask. But knowing what taxidermy is does not prepare you for the reality. I went on this course to research the subject for something, but also because I thought it would be good to wrench myself from my comfort zone for a bit. “Why didn’t you just jump out of a plane like everyone else?” someone asked afterwards. He had a point. On that Saturday morning, looking at a queue of rabbit heads while prodding all the brain from a squirrel’s skull, a 30,000 feet fall seemed a very comfortable idea. Read more »
Posted on May 14th, 2009 | 6 Comments
Tagged: Animals, art, Death, squirrels, taxidermy
Great news about swine flu isn’t it? I always hoped I’d live to see the human population wiped out by sneezing pigs, and now it’s happening. First the elderly and the infirm will die, then the poor, and then the young; but not me, for a bit at least. These health emergencies really bring out the best in me. After a year of first looting hospitals for vaccines, then shooting any friend who sneezes, and finally, refusing to leave my fortified tower of health, I’ll starve to death because I’ll be Howard Hughes in a Mad Max landscape. Mostly though, I’m confident about my chances of living through this apocalypse influenza, after all, I survived Bird Flu didn’t I? Read more »
Posted on April 27th, 2009 | 10 Comments
Tagged: Batman: Contagion, bird flu, Channel 4, Death, swine flu, World Cup 2006
The death of Jade Goody has had no impact on my life, nor would I expect it to have any on yours, unless you happen to be a friend or a member of the Goody family. It’s tragic to see any young mother die before she reaches her thirties, of course, and her loved ones have my sympathy. But I didn’t know Jade, we’d never met; what little relationship we had ended the night she was evicted from the Big Brother house, when – like all the contestants on the show – she ceased to be of any use to me. And while I didn’t keep up to speed with her post-BB life, it was impossible to ignore her recent, Max Clifford-publicised death. Read more »
Posted on April 20th, 2009 | 19 Comments
Tagged: aidan moffat, Death, Jade Goody, Michael Parkinson
I had my worst experience in A&E ever this week. I had to extract wads of bloody tissue from a homeless man’s anus after he plugged it to stop himself shitting on the streets. Every few minutes I made an excuse such as – I need more gloves – and ran to wretch with a gasp of fresh air.
Read more »
Posted on April 6th, 2009 | 16 Comments
Tagged: Alcoholism, Death, depression, Despair, Homelesness
Remember a little while back some guy died in Dalston from exposure to anthrax? No not the band, this stuff. Fernando Gomez was the first guy to cop it in this country from anthrax poisoning in 32 years. Now, if you lived next door to a guy who’d killed himself by skinning drums filled with anthrax spores you’d be pretty freaked out right? Well Fernando’s neighbour got in touch with us and all things considered he seems pretty relaxed about the whole living next door to anthrax thing. Read more »
Posted on January 22nd, 2009 | 2 Comments
Tagged: anthrax, dalston, Death, It Happened
