Since I last posted I have been pissed on 16 times and had my hand shat in five times. My child is like my own personal German shizen video. Read more »
Posts Tagged ‘chris nieratko’
Meet the Nieratkos - Halloween with retarded Uncle Lonnie
Tuesday was my wife’s retarded Uncle Lonnie’s annual Halloween party at the Elks Lodge. I wasn’t permitted to go this year because I had to watch the baby, or, as Lonnald refers to him, “that brat”. As you can see from the four party-jams dance videos, the party, as always, was a helluva good time. Read more »
Meet the Nieratkos - Save Canada from itself
I have a love/hate relationship with Canada. I loved that my three Canadian friends brought their crappy newspaper Big Brother rip-off to America and got rich making the mega pyramid that is the uber-hip VICE enterprises. I hate that Canada thinks it is so awesome (which it is not) that it doesn’t let people like me, who have a few minor DUIs and casual felonies under their belt, into their stupid country.
Meet the Nieratkos - Dog people are weird
My wife gave birth to our baby…and it was one of those hairy dog boys.
Kidding.
But I am still half expecting the baby to be black. Those goddamn Verizon guys always waiting outside my house for their turn…
Meet the Nieratkos - Goodbye, Andy Kessler
On Monday, August 10th, the skateboard community lost another icon, and many of us lost a very good, very kind, solid friend. OG NYC skateboarder Andy Kessler was stung by a wasp and died. I have very little to say about this. I still cannot believe it’s real. When I found out, I was walking out the door with my wife to see the OBGYN for our weekly visit leading up to our baby being born. The extreme emotions of anticipation of life and sadness of death floored me and made me vomit.
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Meet the Nieratkos: Skateboarding is so gay right now
A few years ago, my friends over at Lakai came up with a t-shirt that said “Skateboarding is So Hot Right Now!” At the time it was quite appropriate. Skateboarding was EVERYWHERE – from TV commercials to print ads for JCPenney. But just a few short years later skateboarding has gone from virgin to town whore with a gaping butthole. And Lakai’s phrase needs to be updated to “Skateboarding is So Gay Right Now”. Read more »
Meet the Nieratkos - I know what you learned last yesterday
Friends, please read the following list, slowly and carefully. I need you to pay very close attention to each and every detail of what I’m telling you. I’ll explain afterwards.
—Gold is a precious metal.
—Bob learned to drive in a blue Pontiac.
—Why do mechanics carry rags when they have perfectly good seat covers to wipe their hands on?
—Mashed potatoes should not have lumps. Read more »
Meet the Nieratko’s - Lopspital
It’s not all fun and games for my wife’s retarded Uncle Lonzie. Nope. Lonald has a very rare disease that only afflicts ogres and giants that make it difficult for him to rock out too hard or too often. He never had this problem before. It only started when he came down the beanstalk to get his goose back; he’s never been the same since. That’s why events like Beatles Cover Bands can’t be a regular occurrence. Lonzie gets too psyched and ends up in the Emergency Room.
Meet the Nieratkos: Lonnie Invasion
Sunday we took my wife’s retarded uncle, Lonnie, to see a 60s cover band called The British Invasion Tribute Band at our local community centre. Lonnie, or Lonald as I often call him (or Lon Da Milan or Lonzie or Lonnie Bonnie Bo Bonnie), is a H-U-G-E Beatles fan. He knows every word to every song from every album. The Beatles are his shit. He’s kind of like the retarded version of John Kusak in High Fidelity. And for you music nerds, Lonzie is a purist: strictly vinyl. He has like seven copies of certain albums because he just mangles them to shit. When he plays them on his “victrola” (the only world he’ll use for his record player) he scratches the shit out of them like a hip-hop DJ. Read more »
Meet the Nieratkos: I got another girl pregnant
Oh, this is horrible. I generally have a strong policy against feeling bad about anything I do ever but this one is eating away at me. I can’t sleep at night, I feel awful. You see, I have impregnated another woman (not my wife). I feel like Elliot Spitzer or one of the many other famous pieces of shit that gets wrapped up in scandal such as this. I have a feeling this is going to make things weird between me and my wife. Especially since, you know, our own kid is due in three months. Read more »
Meet the Nieratkos - Photo reject
Do you know that routine with the football that Lucy would pull on Charlie Brown? Where she yanks it away each and every time he runs to kick it so he eats shit? That’s basically how my relationship is with Vice. And I’m stupid Charlie Brown.
Meet The Nieratkos: M.O.R.E.
When I was younger, I skated with a fat kid named Fat Matt who had a stuttering problem. He was the best dude. So jolly. He couldn’t ollie but he could do the craziest step-off tricks. One time he fell hard at a skate contest and someone videotaping him jokingly asked, “You OK, Fat Matt?” His response was, “Puh-p-p-p-p-pah… FUCK YOU.” Classic. Ever since then I’ve been looking for another jolly fat kid to replace the void that Fat Matt left. Last November I found him and, OMG, his name was Matt. Fat Matt was back! Read more »
Meet the Nieratkos: LA is gay
I know the “LA is gay” sentiment is pretty prevalent in most East Coasters. And I was reminded of why that is when I was out there last week. The reason is because LA IS GAY. Why? Let me count the ways… Read more »
