Are we friends? I like to think so. And it is because we are friends I must come clean. I have been perpetrating a lie for the past nine months.
Posts Tagged ‘baby’
Meet the Nieratkos: 28-onesie funsie
So this kid hasn’t shown up yet. I don’t know what his deal is. I have the laziest kid on earth. I fear for his development. Or perhaps I am an unfit father who should have purchased him a watch so he could know what time it is and that HE’S FIVE DAYS LATE ALREADY. He was supposed to show Saturday. No dice. No sign on Sunday. Then I got a hundred “clever” emails and texts saying stuff like: Read more »
Meet the Nieratkos - Baby in the belly
Remember when I used to piss and moan about not being able to get my wife, Cris Nieratko, pregnant? Man, those were the days. At least back then I was getting laid. Now I’m looking at six weeks until Christopher II: The Foetus Strikes Back is released and it’s all baby, all the time. No more yanky my wanky.
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Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath: I made a baby
I always regale you with stories of death, disease, sexual perversity and self-destruction, which is pretty much what I deal with on a day-to-day basis in A&E. But sometimes there is a fleeting reprieve in the otherwise grim monotony of bodily failure. Last week I delivered my first baby, which, to be fair, was just as gruesome, and proved humanity to be just as pitiless. Read more »
You can’t have a baby if you do loads of drugs. Bonus eh?
When my girlfriend got pregnant, instead of getting an expensive abortion, we managed to drink, bump and pop our little foetus away in less than three days. We had an unplanned miscarriage that lasted about four minutes. Guilt-free and released from the trauma of undergoing a hospital procedure we managed to emerge from an unexpected pregnancy with no baby and no hard feelings. Read more »
