Being a dictator is a tough business. I bet, if you caught them on a bad day, most of the globe’s great dictators would gladly trade-in their lives of palm-fronded luxury and front-row seats at the torture chambers for a quiet life talking down the phone to pensioners in Grantham about how they could save £150 a year by switching their premiums. That’s nine-to-five work, that is. Dictating is 24/7 stuff. Never knowing where the next poisoned salmon roulade is coming from? Constantly having to re-plant the grass outside the presidential palace after rival generals try and park their tanks on your lawn? It’s hard on the nerves. That these men soldier on for the benefit of their subjects is a fact that should inspire us all. Read more »
Posted on July 15th, 2010 | 3 Comments
Tagged: "The Dachau Of Africa", Blaise Compaoré, Equatorial Guinea, Francisco Macias Nguema, Jammeh, Kentucky, KING MSWATI III, real bunch of bastards, Thomas Sankar
Gary Brooks Faulkner, as his brother pointed out on The Today Show, is “not an average American”. Gary Brooks Faulkner is greedy, impatient, gluttonous, when it comes to killing Osama Bin Laden. “He’s a real patriot,” Dr Scott Faulkner continued, by way of explaining how his bro had come to be arrested by Pakistani police while attempting to cross the border into Afghanistan, armed with a pistol, a ceremonial sword, and an almighty lust for the blood of Osama. “Obviously, our mother wasn’t wild about the idea, she tried to talk him out of it.” Read more »
Posted on June 23rd, 2010 | 2 Comments
Tagged: Gary Brooks Faulkner, killing him, Osama Bin Laden, yes he's still alive
Eugène Terre’Blanche’s genitals have been back on the news agenda this week. Today [Friday, 9 April], as the South African neo-Nazi is laid to rest in an XXL coffin, and along with him his genitals, many will have pause to recall what those genitals were most famous for: being inserted into the journalist Jani Allan. That time round, Allan sued Channel 4 for libel after Nick Broomfield’s documentary had flagged up the unlikely affair between the two. She lost. Badly. The court transcripts at times read like a bawdy novel: Terre’Blanche asleep on the couch in his green underpants. A witness spying a pair of massive, fleshy buttocks thrusting back-and-forth. Allan, who had once pronounced herself “transfixed on the flame of his blowtorch eyes,” in the end became more famous for being impaled on the end of his racist dick. Read more »
Posted on April 13th, 2010 | 4 Comments
Tagged: crushing a skull, Eugene Terreblanche, exposing a penis, murder, south africa
Syphilis does not mess around. Syphilis is the kind of disease that can turn a perfectly healthy quivering rod of human penis into an undifferentiated squabble of pickled tripe. For hundreds of years, it’s been taking those who allowed their amoral genitals to intersect with other bad genitals, and making their nasal cavities subside, their teeth fall out, and their brains gelatinise. Now it’s on Facebook. Read more »
Posted on March 25th, 2010 | 10 Comments
Tagged: facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, Middlesborough, Syphilis
Did you ever get round to watching Final Flesh, the film we told you about a few months ago that Vernon Chatman paid a porn company to make based on his bizarre script? Well once you have watched it, it will all make perfect sense. Fully grown man in babysuit attempts to crawl headfirst into vagina. Woman breastfeeds slab of raw meat. Woman bathes in tears of children. But a lot of it still resists fitting into easy comic topic sentences: “Man who believes himself to be dying and lies wrapped in swaddling cloth on deathbed is marauded by Skeletor-masked phantom, but is saved from certain death by having a processed sausage stuffed down his trousers nibbled on by lady”. Read more »
Posted on March 5th, 2010 | 1 Comment
Tagged: Final Flesh, Vernon Chatman
Banksy. He’s ‘outsider art’, isn’t he? That means that he doesn’t obey the traditional conventions of art: exhibiting in galleries, being good, etc. Nope. He’s a renegade-master, a man for whom life itself is not only the inspiration for what he does, but the canvas on which he does it. He’s all about the subtle metaphorical juxtaposition. Viz: Read more »
Posted on February 24th, 2010 | 14 Comments
Tagged: banksy, Gavin Haynes
“Mother, you had me,” John Lennon opined on his 1970 hit “Mother”. “But I never had you.” A nation smirked and frigged wildly at their own genitals. A nation wanted to shag their own mothers, but they still didn’t know how to say so. Read more »
Posted on February 16th, 2010 | 13 Comments
Tagged: Gavin Haynes, Gross, incest, shagging your mum
It’s the last day of the decade and Jacqueline Jansen’s daughter has gone missing. She hands us one of the photocopied posters she’s been plastering around town. “Her children live with me. She normally comes back to see them at Christmas. But I haven’t seen her since the 19th of December.” She drags on another cigarette as she slumps back on her couch in a miniscule apartment in Manenberg, the epicentre of the Cape Town’s badlands, on the third floor of a sun-bleached orange tenement flaking away from itself like a cardboard box left in the rain. “I can’t sleep you know, man…” Read more »
Posted on February 10th, 2010 | No Comments
Tagged: Gavin Haynes, Jacqueline Jansen, Smuggling, south africa
The tree-lined avenue that leads to the South African Atlantis is called the Malmesbury Road. In 1931, it was built using poor white labour – a work-for-soup deal, designed to counter the worst privations of the Great Depression. That same year, Harvard Business School came over to do a study on this innovative scheme. They took their findings back to America, and one year later, FDR had repackaged the Harvard study as The New Deal. It’s a very influential strip of tarmac. Read more »
Posted on February 4th, 2010 | 7 Comments
Tagged: Atlantis, gangs, Gavin Haynes, poverty, south africa
There’s a big motif in Afrikaner history about being Israelites. It’s not just in the stony-faced Calvinism of their Dutch Reformed Church. Ever since the Great Trek, when ancestors on ox wagons rode into the hinterlands in search of a life free of British control, the cry of “Let My People Go” has been a Boer mantra. In recognition of Afrikaner pilgrimage, in the 1930s, the government built the massive Voortrekker Monument – a stuffily sacrosanct temple to this pseudo-Jewiness. Fifty years after the Voortrekkers, the Anglo-Boer War – a David & Goliath act, complete with its British-made concentration camps – only served to emphasise the parallel (and heighten the persecution complex). In this light, the high noon of Apartheid could be read as one more Afrikaans attempt to secure self-determination – to wish away the simple fact that, in the long term, history is demography. Read more »
Posted on January 19th, 2010 | 46 Comments
Tagged: Afrikaans, Afrikaner, Ark of the Covenant, Boer War, Broederbond, Carel Boshoff III, Orania, Voortrekker Monument
The Daily Voice is what all newspapers will look like come the apocalypse. It’s like Heat for the age of Mad Max; The Grapes of Wrath in handy Daily Star format. It shows that tabloid culture and a violent, violently deprived society are a marriage made in gloriously ghastly heaven. Read more »
Posted on January 5th, 2010 | 20 Comments
Tagged: south africa, The Daily Voice
There’s been a lot debate lately as to whether the 2000s irrevocably sucked. Bad presidents. Bad wars. Bad bankers. Did it really suck that much? The press have carved it up by every metric you can imagine in the past few weeks, but as the final days ebb away, we’re all still wondering about how it stacked up compared to the most important benchmark of all – the 1610s. Read more »
Posted on December 31st, 2009 | 8 Comments
Tagged: History
In the future, we will all be nicer. We will smile more. We will wear better shoes. Socks in pairs. Better DVD Players. Simpler magazine formats. Less idiot children. Yellow ovens. Trendy Rastas. That sort of thing. To be an effective futurologist, as any futurologist knows, you just have to say some stuff which basically concords with things that might potentially happen, cash your cheque, then exit the industry long before anyone has found out that your crystal ball was an upturned fishbowl full of lies. It is in this spirit of ghastly charlatanry that we hereby present a shittonne of meaningless predictions relating to the upcoming decade. Read more »
Posted on December 30th, 2009 | 26 Comments
Tagged: futurology
