In the future, we will all be nicer. We will smile more. We will wear better shoes. Socks in pairs. Better DVD Players. Simpler magazine formats. Less idiot children. Yellow ovens. Trendy Rastas. That sort of thing. To be an effective futurologist, as any futurologist knows, you just have to say some stuff which basically concords with things that might potentially happen, cash your cheque, then exit the industry long before anyone has found out that your crystal ball was an upturned fishbowl full of lies. It is in this spirit of ghastly charlatanry that we hereby present a shittonne of meaningless predictions relating to the upcoming decade.

2010 – The Hadron Collider is back working, but it isn’t long before scientists announce with regret that, due to a mistimed experiment, they’ve blown a chunk the size of the Crab Star Nebula out of an alternate universe. They apologise.
2010 – David Cameron’s prime ministerial career gets off to a shaky start when he strangles a commoner who walked in front of his horse, then claims The Divine Right Of Kings as a legal defence at his trial. George Osborne announces that in order to repay Britain’s debts, the nation will have to sell its children into the workhouse.
2011 – Web 3.0 is unveiled. Turns out to be just like Web 2.0, but with cuter pictures of cats and fewer misspelt captions.
2011 – Sky News devotes a 19 hour regal news-pageant to the death of Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch is buried with full ceremonial honours beside a billabong, next to a jolly swagman, under the shade of a coolabah tree. Monty Burns delivers the keynote eulogy.
2011 – After years of hating bankers, the pendulum swings the other way, as bankers become ‘the ones we all love to hate’. Everywhere you go, they’re there, appearing as guests on panel shows and telling other people that they’re shit, to general delight.
2012 – The Republican backlash goes into full swing when Obama is defeated in the 2012 presidential election by America’s first Klansman president.
2013 – China decides to buy the small African country of Benin with one week’s GDP. Uses it as a lock-up for all the stuff it doesn’t really have space for.
2013 – Dizzee Rascal is successfully assassinated in Ayia Napa, meaning that grime goes from fried-chicken-obsessed postcode-rap laughing-stock, into a grunge-style martyr-based social movement with Diz as the Tupac/Kurt of the genre.
2014 – Time Magazine publishes its infamous Global Warming: Soooo Fucking Bored Of That Shit edition.
2015 – After a diplomatic dispute, newly-independent Scotland cuts off supplies of shortbread to England. After riots in London and Manchester, the English government has no choice but to cave in to their demands.
2015 – After the government ban cigarettes, smokeeasies start to spring up in front rooms across the country. To use a loophole to enjoy state protection from prosecution, the Church Of The B&H Gold is created, and smoking rapidly becomes the largest religion in the country.
2016 – After the death of Pope Benedict, the Catholic Church is praised for its progressiveness when it elects the first openly lizard-Illuminati Pope.
2018 – North Korea finally goes completely crazy. So crazy that the rest of the world has to do the job of a sort of global social services, busting down the doors and breaking-in to save the children. An allied coalition finds Kim Jong Il standing in his presidential palace in his bathrobe instructing his henchmen to paint the sky green.
2018 – After his death, as a final act of pomposity-deflation, Nelson Mandela subverts plans for an elaborate funeral by stipulating that he must be placed in an ordinary black binbag and left out for the dustmen. Across the world, nearly 500 million people watch as the official State Dustcart gently compacts him into a perfect cube of organic waste outside his Sandton residence.
2019 – Brazil ceremonially cuts down its last rainforest tree at the opening ceremony of the Amazon Business Park, Shopping Mall and IMAX Complex.

GAVIN HAYNES