I’ve come six times today. Whatever. No big deal. My vagina currently feels like a piece of five-week-old deli meat and I’m finding it slightly difficult to walk, but it was totally worth it for those beautiful, magical, short bursts of ecstasy. God, I love porn.
I’m on holiday in NYC for a few days. Instead of spending the day being productive or doing important things like wandering around Williamsburg with Deerhunter or popping into the US Vice office for a cup of stress, I am lying in my friend’s bed, shoving my face full of Mexican food (I need to get my fill – Mexican food hasn’t been invented in England yet), watching loads of adult entertainment and jerking off. I think I’ve got a problem.
Gang bang porn, chicks with dicks, sluts being fucked by machines – I don’t discriminate. See, I don’t have the interweb back in my shitty south London squat, so whenever I’m anywhere with internet for more than ten minutes, I instantly get all wild with excitement about the prospect of RedTube (it’s a modern miracle, if you ask me). So naturally, I’m taking this rare Wi-Fi-connected opportunity to spend the entire day filling my brain with all things X-rated.
A couple years ago, before I became a porn junkie, I was really good at masturbating. Like REALLY good. I was so focused, so efficient. My brain sex was always perfect and without interruption. But ever since experiencing porno-enlightenment at the hands of RedTube, my jerking off skills have evaporated. It sucks. I can’t focus on a fantasy. My once smooth, dynamic mind porn now wanders and jerks, like it’s been edited with an axe. Porn has contaminated the sexy part of my imagination, and now my brain has forgotten how to do any work for itself. Ugh.
My porn addiction has also begun to interfere with my daily life. I think about porn 24/7. I can’t concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes before I have to take a break and inject myself with a hit of some Asian skinema (I love how fucked up and masochistic it is). I’ve begun taking whole days off work to stay at home and watch gay porn marathons. Porn is even ruining my sex life, as no real man can match up to the wondrous 2D sex gods on my computer screen. I’m fucked.
Clearly, what I really should do is ditch the RedTube and focus on getting my sex brain back into tip-top shape. Problem is, I just can’t seem to give up my beloved porno. It’s just so disgusting and wonderful and sexy and wrong and beautifully gross and it means far too much to me. I keep trying to kick it but the high is just so fucking gooood.
KARLEY SCIORTINO
Reader Comments
November 6th, 2009
12:29 pm
You can’t be that addicted if you don’t have the internet where you live. Although I do agree that porn kills imagination.
November 6th, 2009
1:08 pm
Empflix is better than red tube in my opinion, higher quality and less adverts, however there is also a lot of scat, could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on your dispostion.
November 6th, 2009
1:26 pm
i did some vanilla masturbation a few weeks ago. no porn, no music, no nothing. just a dark room and a chair. it was the highlight of my really mediocre tuesday evening.
November 6th, 2009
1:36 pm
Is this the diary of a Vice intern.
November 6th, 2009
1:58 pm
Its the diary of your mum
November 6th, 2009
2:07 pm
Scum…you are a twat.
Moving on….
Porn is great. I would recommend that you go search “Max Hardcore Jessie” at http://www.empflix.com and then you go a find that video of the naked Japanese girl that is tied up thrown into a perspex bath filled with electric eels while Japanese men with small penises add their icing on this delightful fish cake.
Also how gay is it that I cant type in my full name when I leave a comment?
–
Albert Poncenby Bresticles-McFuttocks
November 6th, 2009
2:38 pm
Are you the girl with amazing tits?
November 6th, 2009
2:40 pm
you can’t be a true porn connoisseur if you’re weapon of choice is RedTube, ‘RedTube’ is to Porn as ‘Pendulum’ is to Drum and Bass
November 6th, 2009
2:41 pm
Sometimes I feel like you do too… not all the time, but some times, like during the spring.. x
November 6th, 2009
2:52 pm
I think I love you.
November 6th, 2009
3:19 pm
i’m totally like this, i’m hot and i have a boyfriend but iliterally spend hours every day watching porn and get myself off like around 30 times a day… it’s so bad but like you say t’s so goood x
November 6th, 2009
3:19 pm
Karley, Ben wants you to piss on him again, but don’t do it on top of the photocopier for fuck sake.
November 6th, 2009
3:44 pm
Also, I love porn. I wish I had genitalia….
November 6th, 2009
5:29 pm
shame you aint the girl in the photo! then this would be worth reading.
November 6th, 2009
5:48 pm
Was this just an advert for redtube?
November 6th, 2009
7:03 pm
Hello 118, you make me sound like Action Man with a middle class accent. Can’t you do scum, what a fuckin shame, all those ideas and your public schoolboy accent letting you down.
November 6th, 2009
9:33 pm
to anomynous at the top where does it say anything about not having the internet…?
November 7th, 2009
12:22 am
….kinda know this problem. got away from it by spending a while in asia. porn looses it’s fascination when reality is catching up…i’m back to normal now, whatever that means (think normal people don’t exist at all)…
November 7th, 2009
6:10 am
Come on scum, Old Bean. There’s no need to be jealous of a good education. I know you’re angry about your situation. But really, the sooner you proles accept your position the better off this country will be!
I was saying the exact same thing to Action Man last night at Boujis.
We both admire your poetry, by the way.
November 7th, 2009
1:25 pm
Well old bean there are plenty of lamp posts in this country and one has your name on, it in these changing times. As I was debating the issue with our future prime minister, I said ‘ Do we go after the public schoolboys first or the socialist backstabbers?’ He said ‘We will treat everyone equally be they black or white, straight or gay, male or female. They are all greedy bastards and we are not a racist party anymore.’
November 7th, 2009
8:06 pm
it´s a fucking transvest, morons
November 7th, 2009
8:15 pm
Using eggs makes it more fun, but don’t let the yoke dry up, it’s very difficult to wash off.
November 8th, 2009
12:44 pm
redtube is awsume as is xtube.
November 9th, 2009
8:30 am
Relax, Scumnation. Perhaps you should try knocking a few out like this article suggests. Might help. Or even try getting laid once in a while.
November 9th, 2009
3:25 pm
If you go to Tube 8 you will see the porn video I did for the site. Just type in scumnation, its in the black section. While you are there, have a look at the hits it has and the comments from viewers. 450,000 hits, thats more people in one video than all the hits Viceuk have ever had in their history. Check it out Frankie and don’t go to Hollywood.
November 9th, 2009
4:27 pm
porn has fucked up my relationships. im addicted and cant get a hard on for real sex anymore. unless the girl rims me or something but then i just jerk off and cum anyway. i dont think i’ll ever be able to have real sex again. i need help
November 9th, 2009
5:38 pm
Have a fag instead.
November 10th, 2009
9:37 am
Actually pretty good, scum.