We went to the X Factor house. I read somewhere that this year Simon Cowell had hired people with megaphones to point out loudly to the crowd what a waste of time it was standing behind a wall all day. Clearly it didn’t work, because everyone gathered outside had been coming for weeks.

People have written all over the walls, ostensibly in a show of support. Who wouldn’t take comfort from knowing “shayla m luvz u bby”?

This is Jedward’s window. Apparently they’ve been ordered by the police to stay inside the house and keep the windows covered because too much chaos erupts when the girls on the street catch a glimpse of them.

Some of the die-hard fans had brought their own ladders so they could see over the gates. It’s a pretty entertaining way to pass the time. Occasionally you could see something crazy like a a runner from the X Factor production company signing for a package. I like the idea of loads of parents of 15-year-old girls wondering where their ladder is and, now that you mention it, their daughter as well.

Some of the fellas signing autographs and taking pictures. They’re real down-to-earth (read: completely unremarkable).

This is Tony, one of two security guards who keeps the peace outside the house. One of the perks of Tony’s job is enjoying long hugs with enthusiastic teenage girls and the occasional homosexual schoolboy. We forgot to ask if he has ever been offered sexual favours in exchange for entry to the house. It must have been all the excitement of seeing the one who looks like a lesbian. I bet he has though; Tony looks like a goer.

Stacey came home after a day of shopping. The girls in front of us were screaming, “Hi Stacey! I hope you win!”

Uggs: popular with X Factor fans.

These kids were awesome. They had been there for about four hours hoping to see Jedward and knew everything there was to know about all the contestants. Between them they had visited the house about nine times.

This is them showing us the video of Stacey getting out of the car, which had happened about 15 seconds previously. The X Factor house is next door to the Chinese Embassy. One of these kids asked if we knew what “embassy” meant. British schools really are huge pointless fortresses of shit, aren’t they?

Holy new BFF alert! This is Harvii, who you might also recognise as Megan Fox’s “Roseboy” and star of Vice Singles Club. Harvii was banned from standing in front of the X Factor house that day because he and his friend had followed Danyl and Jamie to Costa Coffee. He had bunked off school to be there, but thinks “it was totally worth it”. Harvii says he has met everyone from Britney Spears (”nice”) to Miley Cyrus (”a total bitch”). Harvii is my hero.

These girls lived next door. They spent most of the time we were there leaning over the gate of their compound flirting with the paparazzi and heckling the plebeian masses. Apparently they have spoken to all the contestants and they yell to each other from the windows of their respective houses “like, all the time”. Bully for you.

When the contestants were leaving (to go see the Backstreet Boys!) people kept coming out of the house to talk to their drivers or put their bags away. The paparazzi would set up their lenses and then, upon realising it was someone’s mum or a bodyguard, they’d yell, “Its NO-ONE. Don’t worry, it’s NO-ONE”. Come on, guys, words hurt.

I forgot who everyone in this car was. I still waved though because they’re pretty famous.

Jedward. I yelled, “Give us the finger, Jedward!” but they didn’t because they’re not team players.

See ya, guys!!

WORDS: GUNTHER CENTRALPERK
PHOTOS: JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE