I’m not sure if you remember last year when I showed you the guy in my neighbourhood whose house is covered with Christmas lights or not. But here it is again.

He is my inspiration, and this year I’m hoping he’ll become my mentor. A few weeks ago I got his home phone number through channels I cannot reveal. I left him a message saying I’d like to volunteer to help him set up.

Last week as I was walking Benny I saw that he had started decorating his house on that last 70-degree day we had on the East Coast. I took this as my cue. I marched Benny right back to the house (even though he really wanted to pee on more shit) and began forming a perimeter of candy canes around my house to form the basis of what I’ll be working with. As I mentioned last year, the day after Christmas I went and cleared out every Lowes, Home Depot and Ace within a 20-mile radius. I filled my Ford Explorer with thousands of dollars worth of lights and lawn ornaments (all with 70 - 90% off!).

I have no idea how I’m going to set them up. I have no plan whatsoever. I don’t know if I have enough lights or enough lawn to accommodate it all, but I’m going to give it the old college try (I AM A COLLEGE DROPOUT), after my good buddy Dave the Electrician comes and piggy backs MORE POWER onto my fuse box. He said we can use the juice from my air conditioner since it’s not in use, as well as my washer and dryer. The only catch is that my wife can’t wash clothes at night until the New Year. She isn’t very happy about that, especially with her washing soiled baby clothes three times a day. BUT SACRIFICES MUST BE MADE! In the name of the spirit of excess, er, I mean Christmas.

Today he called. I felt like a little girl being asked to the prom. He invited me to come pitch in this weekend, Saturday and Sunday, and put up his awe-inspiring Christmas lights. I was supposed to work at the skateshop Saturday but I called in sick. I cannot miss out on this opportunity. I have a million questions to ask him, starting with how much his power bills are for November and December. I know this is a bit of Christmas blue balls; I’m sorry. But next week I’ll have photos and video of both his house and my house all lit up and you will be stoked.

And to add to the Christmas vibe, this Sunday is when the mall does pet pictures with Santa. We’ll be there. In our Halloween costumes. With the baby. And the cat and dog. And Lonnie. As is tradition.

CHRIS NIERATKO

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