So Morrissey supposedly digs the “fourth sexuality”, right? Well, even that big old pansy would have to draw the line at the fifth. Metrosexuality is Australia’s new plague, according to The Herald Sun. A Melbourne party promoter has successfully banned metrosexuals from attending his new event, on the grounds that their presence encourages bar fights. “Low-cut V-neck T-shirts, skinny jeans, pointed white shoes” and “anyone who looks like David Beckham” will apparently be excluded from Lorca. There will also be a name-and-shame board, where serial offenders will have their photos posted – a line-up that will presumably look not unlike a failed boyband’s publicity press pack. Well, we don’t know about you guys in Australia, but in this sceptred isle, we have laws against discrimination on the basis of sexuality.
It’s everyone’s worst nightmare. You walk into a bar for a quick pint with friends, then suddenly you spot them out of the corner of your eye – metrosexuals. At the next table. They’re talking about shoes in their modulated accents. Their faces well-oiled, their suits well-fitting, they’re drinking some sort of Belgian beer with a slice of lemon floating coquettishly on top. Fucking shitballs.
“We wanted to shed light on the problems with nightlife in Australia,” suggests Scott Mellor, Lorca’s promoter. “We took everything that we disliked about going out to clubs and inverted it … no dressing up like David Beckham, no blond-dyed tips.” Given that his clubnight is named after the restaurant in American Psycho that’s too exclusive for even Patrick Bateman to get a table at, perhaps he’s confused fact and fiction, and spends most of his time cowering under tables, waiting for a psycho killer doused in Paco Rabanne to stick a blowtorch on his still-living intestines until they fuse into exotic geometries like magic animal balloons. Or he could just want all the girls to himself. Remember, dear readers, the wise words of Pastor Niemöller:
First they came for the bikers and I did not speak out – because I was not a biker;
Then they came for the townies and I did not speak out – because I was not a townie;
Then they came for the metrosexuals, and I did not speak out – because I was not a metrosexual;
Then they came for THE HIPSTERS – but there was no one left to speak out for me…
GAVIN HAYNES
November 16th, 2009 @ 12:48
Reader Comments
November 16th, 2009
1:04 pm
AAhh ahahaha. OMG!
November 16th, 2009
1:32 pm
[...] Metrosexual discrimination in Australia – Vice [...]
November 16th, 2009
3:27 pm
So no Vice staff there then, fuckin great, i hope it catches on here then we can all go and find Vice lice to kick the shit out of.
November 16th, 2009
4:06 pm
that last part is CLASS.
November 16th, 2009
6:09 pm
how many plagues can one country-slash-island have?
November 16th, 2009
6:10 pm
Someone is really jealous of David Beckham. Or madly in love with.
November 16th, 2009
6:10 pm
@Eroc
Or just in love with himself.
November 16th, 2009
6:11 pm
metrosexuals are the most dangerous group on earth right now. it’s true. i saw it on wikipedia.
November 16th, 2009
9:38 pm
Say, wasn’t it Dorsia Bateman couldn’t get into and not Lorca???
November 16th, 2009
11:03 pm
I find metrosexuals truly confusing, they fall into the same category as emo hair styled flat chested lesbians.
You’ve had a couple, you’re in a indie/hip club or bar and you start eyeing someone up and then have to find out that they are a) straight, just dressed really gay or b) a girl.
November 17th, 2009
10:33 am
“Popular brand Ed Hardy tops the list of unacceptable clothing, as does “fight fashion” from brands such as Tapout. Other faux pas include pointed leather shoes, shirts with numbers on them, tight T-shirts and polo shirts with popped collars.”
November 17th, 2009
10:33 am
I am moving to melbourne just to go to this club. It is hard to fully enjoy a night of reckless abandon with thise dicks floating about.
Lolatu had the clothing pretty much spot on.
November 17th, 2009
10:34 am
Skinny jeans and pointy shoes have nothing to do with Metrosexuals.
November 17th, 2009
10:34 am
It’s called ‘Dorcia’ and I believe you’ve missed the point of the policy
November 17th, 2009
10:34 am
its dorcia! not lorcia!
November 17th, 2009
10:35 am
I have been to Dorcia “the club night” and let me tell you… It’s a killer party!!!
November 17th, 2009
10:35 am
You got the name of the club wrong, twice. I saw something about Patrick Bateman and geometry in there as well but aside from that, this article is spot on incorrect.
November 17th, 2009
12:14 pm
I dont think you guys understand, this is a MAJOR problem in Australia right now (and has been for the past five or so years) these guys are actually all ‘footy jocks’ - like an american jock but with australian rules football instead of whateveritisthatjockassholesdoinamerica. they also indulge in extreme-cross-cultural-guidoism on an unprecedented scale. you can see why some people in australia have understandibly tired of the fake tan bleached tips sport jock asshole culture and are taking some steps to rectify the situation. hopefully this will herald the return of old school hardcore tough guy footy jocks who looked like lumberjacks and broke each others noses rather than those of the young male (and female - its australia) teenagers they encounter on weekends in the city.
i am fucking retarded & have probably missed the point of this but i just needed to get that off my chest
November 18th, 2009
2:04 pm
No, rascism is a MAJOR problem, genocide is a MAJOR problem, countries stockpiling nuclear arms in secret is a MAJOR problem. People dressing in a way that you don’t like is an inconvenience at worst.
Stay indoors if it bothers you that much. I’m sure no one will miss your bitching.
November 19th, 2009
4:35 pm
Lorca was a friend of Dali, surely the epitome of Metrosexual.
November 20th, 2009
2:36 pm
Sam, wow dude you really took us to school right there.
awesome.
i mean untill you came along i genuinely thought dressing badly was waaaay worse than genocide, but thanks to your wisdom, thats all cleared up now.
you should release a dvd of your teachings called ‘im a fuckin dick’
saving the world buddy, one internet comment at a time