It’s a sad week for children and fat people of Iceland because McDonalds have dumped them, hamburgling happiness from the nation by removing all of its branches from the land of Bjork. It’s just the latest humiliation for the credit-crunched country and just another thing for Alison, our half-Icelandic VBS producer, to feel ashamed about. I took her out for four McDonald’s meals to commiserate her and watched her eat them through her tears.

Vice: Hi Alison, are you feeling miserable about Iceland losing all its McDonald’s?
Alison: Very miserable. I went to one in Reykjavik a few times and have always had fond memories of it. Thanks for taking me out to lunch, though I didn’t really want this much.

You’re not mourning enough unless you puke. What was McDonald’s like in Iceland? Was it as nice as this one?
There weren’t very many, but they hadn’t been changed since the 70s or something, so all the decor was more vintage than this. And you could get bread sticks.

You could get bread sticks!? Wow, that’s classy. Could you get beer, like in France?
I don’t know, I never wanted one when I was ten.They were quite posh though; people always said that when they first opened loads of couples got married there. They were expensive though – everything in Iceland is. That’s why my mum moved over here, because she could afford a Happy Meal in Coventry.

About a year ago, your nation stole all our grans’ pensions. Do you think this is karma?
No. Screw your gran. If she wants her money back she can come and beg for it.

Do you think this is it for Iceland being a cool country? First you have farting geezers all over the place, then you charge a tenner a beer, and now this. Will Damon Albarn pack up his bar and head somewhere he can enjoy a Chicken McNugget?
Probably. He is quite fat these days, isn’t he? Iceland sucks, it’s not nearly as mystical as everyone thinks. It’s just full of suicidal bankers listening to Sigur Ros. The real bitch about this is that I don’t think there are any Burger Kings, and there definitely aren’t any Domino’s Pizzas.

So it’s just whale blubber from now on, huh? How’s the food going down? What did I get you?
You got me a Big Mac Meal with a Coke, a Cheeseburger, six Chicken McNuggets and a Happy Meal with a cheeseburger and a Fanta – that came with a Fantastic Mr Fox ice-lolly maker, so that’s a bonus. I thought I was enjoying it at first but now I feel really dirty.

You’ve only had a cheeseburger, some fries and some nuggets. Get started on that Big Mac.
Fuck you. OK.

So, tell me something else about your stuttering homeland.
Loads of people believe in pixies and everyone has been over Bjork for ages… I feel horrible, this stuff is gruesome.

Don’t say that, you’re ruining it for the kids over there.
It should be ruined for them; I’m pleased that Icelandic kids can’t eat this shit any more, they’ll be the only fit children on Earth.

Not quite. Albania, Armenia, and Bosnia and Herzegovina don’t have McDonald’s. Is Iceland better or worse than them?
We’re definitely better than Armenia, but Albania is pretty good. Anyway, we’re on the winning team now, you can shove your EU president crap up your arse. I’m not eating any more. Ugh.

Well done! Iceland will be proud!

SALVADOR GNARLEY