Who really cares about the Olympics? People who go on about adrenalin rushes and the “natural” high brought on from running ten kilometres a day are invariably boring assholes. What about taking part in a competitive sport which is actually fun and doesn’t leave your legs feeling like they’ve been twatted with a pool ball in a sock for five hours? We’re talking about San Francisco’s annual Masturbate-a-thon, which is a bit like those telethons that they used to do on TV in the 80s to raise money for charity but with jerking off instead of dumb-ass celebrity dance routines and teddy bear mascots. There are prizes in different categories, from “Longest Squirt” to “Most Orgasms,” but the real sportsmen are found in the “longest time spent masturbating” event. Fuck long distance running, this is a solid-gold endurance event. Holder of the title for the last two years is Masanobu Sato, a worker at Japanese sex toy manufacturer Tenga, who this year beat his previous record, coming in (ha) at NINE HOURS AND FIFTY EIGHT MINUTES. We got in touch with Masanobu to find out exactly how he lasted so long.

Vice: Hi Masanobu Sato. How does it feel to hold the the longest time spent masturbating world record?
Masanobu Sato: I’m very proud of myself. And I’m really glad that my victory gave lots of people a courage and a chance to know about this event and Tenga, which both pursue the “better understanding for masturbation.”

Did you wash your hands before masturbating?
Yes. I washed my hands and also my penis.

Did you use saliva as a lubricant?
No. I used some kind of lube.

It must have chafed a bit, eh?
Yes. It got irritated a lot, though it’s also kind of paralyzed…

How about some kind of wrist support. You know the ones that professional athletes use?
No. I didn’t use.

What’s the secret to going so long?
My abundant imagination was a key to my triumph, firstly. Secondly, I trained a lot in Japan from the time I won first prize last year. I swam twice a week and gained about five kilograms in muscle weight. That helped me a lot, too in terms of stamina. Thirdly, the variety of sensations each Tenga gave me was ideal for long masturbation. Without the varietyof sensations, my dick would feel the same sensation for a long time–I used as many as ten different ones so that my dick avoids being paralyzed. And lastly, some of my natural body traits were something special. I really need to thank my parents for transferring to me good DNA.

Did you do that old trick of pinching your balls in order to contain the ejaculation?
No, I didn’t use the trick. I’m naturally strong in terms of erection and also I’m very, very slow at ejaculation normally.

Have you ever done that thing where you put your hand under your ass so you don’t feel your hand anymore and when you jerk off it feels as if another person was touching you?
I used a little bullet type vibrator to do the trick! That was a good trick as you know I can feel two different sensations simultaneously.

Tell us about the feeling of the last minute before you came.
Never better! I could feel a considerable amount of semen was built up. I came just once during the race. It happened halfway, like a half-time in football.

Do you have a girlfriend?
Yes.

What does she think of all this? Is she proud of you?
Yes. She’s proud of me very much. What’s more, my family’s proud of me about this too.

What’s your record for penetrative sex?
I make love to her only a few times in a year, as she’s not really into making love with me. But I’m OK because I can wank myself in front of her. But honestly speaking, I sometimes feel like inserting my dick into VAGINA!

Did you have any kind of reception when you arrived to Japan after winning the prize? Did you meet the Prime Minister?
Only my company gave me a good reception for me, no Prime Minister. And about my reputation, it really varies a lot. Some people feel proud of me, but some are disgusted with me, unfortunately. I don’t care about that reputation though as I’m convinced that I did a good thing. But I sometimes feel embarrassed with the fact I wanked in front of lots of ordinary people! You might think it’s strange but it’s true. I don’t feel anything embarrassing at the venue, but I feel so after coming back to Japan…

How did the judges make sure that you were wanking all the time? I mean, you were there but you could be just touching your penis, not wanking, for some of that.
Judges walk around the venue and watch participants carefully. It’s not so strict, actually. Touching your penis is not necessarily a criteria of judgement. What’s important is to love yourself in whichever way you like and actually feel it erect.

I feel a little weird now, but thanks!

AINHOA REBELLEDO