Inspired by Terry Richardson’s cover of our Photo Issue (it’s out on the streets, by the way), we shot this portrait of Ron after more brilliant advice about using a buddy to get what you want. Hey, if it works for a photo…

Hey Ron!

My ex-landlord won’t give me my damage deposit back and he’s insinuated that he’ll hurt me if I don’t drop the issue. He’s a Donnie Brasco-era Mafioso type, so I’m taking him somewhat seriously. The place is in the exact condition it was in when my roommate and I first rented it (i.e., shitty). We even did a walk-through with him and he said all was fine. But now two months have passed, the place still isn’t rented, and he’s trying to ding us for the entire $1,800. He says he has witnesses who can attest to the damage we’ve caused. He’s even banished me from Brooklyn! What can I do?

PS: He also called me a “smart little faggot.”

Let’s start off with him calling you a faggot. I personally don’t know a faggot when I see one unless one faggot’s talking to another faggot. If he’s calling you a faggot, he must be one himself. Basically he’s a closet faggot, but that’s another point we don’t need to deal with at the moment. For now we’ll just talk about how to get your money back.

All that stuff about him being a Donnie Brasco? Kill that noise, man. If he’s a real gangster from back in the day that means he’s 70-something years old, which means he’s probably wearing Depends. Don’t sweat it. I’ve suggested something similar before, but that’s because it works: What you need to do is go to him with a friend and call the shots. It just has to be someone bigger than you—someone who’s like 6′2″ and 250 pounds. I prefer black people because I know most of them and they tend to look intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be a black guy. It could be some biker-looking dude with tattoos. It could even be a big Asian guy; it doesn’t matter.

The next step is to call a meeting with the guy and say, “Listen, this is what’s going on. You owe me my money. Where’s my money?” Now if he has a problem with that gangster attitude, that means he isn’t a real gangster. Point to your buddy and tell him, “You see this, old man? That guy right there is the guy I owe money to. If you don’t pay me you have to deal with him. I don’t think you want that because who are you going to call? People your age? Other old people with Depends?”

Even if he does call him, those old guys ain’t really gangsters anymore. Make it clear to him to leave that Donnie Brasco nonsense someplace else. You know, be a landlord, don’t be a deadbeat. Make sure he knows to pay you your money promptly if he doesn’t want to see you and your buddy in the future. He needs to stop pretending to be a gangster. Most of them are dead or in prison anyway. The way I see it, if you’re not dead or in prison you’re not a gangster.

Love,

Ron

(Email your quandaries for Ron here, and put Hey Ron! in the subject line.)