This week, the writer trapped between her old left wing paper, and her new fascist one is being forced to think about how bloody imperfect women are.
This week there’s been a proper hoo-ha at the left-wing paper. The hoo-ha, started by a columnist, was over “the media’s general approach to journalism”. My left-wing paper likes to write in tongues. By “media” they actually meant my right-wing paper and by “general approach” they meant female confessional journalism. They reckon that this style of journalism is degrading and misogynistic – which it is. But although in previous lives I’ve been 100 per cent with my colleague on the left-wing paper, I still felt pretty torn. I mean, the right-wing paper has always been so encouraging to me. I also feel I’ve earned a little me-time. So, this week I had a bash at degrading myself and my gender. Read more »
Posted on July 31st, 2009 | 9 Comments
Tagged: body image, newspapers, PROANA
I’ve been in Paris–”studying abroad,” if you will–for the past four weeks. Last weekend I decided it was time to leave the city and see what else France has to offer. I took a train with some friends to the South, where I was exposed to tourist spots that aren’t the Louvre or the Eiffel Tower. We started our journey in Tours, where we went on a tour. A tour of Tours. That is American humor. Do you like it? Read more »
Posted on July 31st, 2009 | 24 Comments
Tagged: Balzac, france, paris, tourists
OK, it’s been two weeks since we last heard from Sneaky Leaf. Hopefully he’s fine and that–no, wait, we’re not even gonna finish that sentence. But really, dude was so worried about what might happen on account of his memoirs on this blog that he started off handwriting each column and faxing it, and then got even more paranoid so he started having them delivered to the office by hand. And then one day, poof! Gone. Hopefully he’ll turn up soon. In the meantime, take a click down there to enjoy some high-kickin’ little colts who’ve formed a conceptual screamo boy band that’s one guy onstage and the rest in a choreographed mosh pit. No correlation to Sneaky Leaf or weed or anything, just wanted to console ourselves with something.
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Posted on July 30th, 2009 | 13 Comments
Tagged: Drugs, screamo, sneaky leaf
Remember when I used to piss and moan about not being able to get my wife, Cris Nieratko, pregnant? Man, those were the days. At least back then I was getting laid. Now I’m looking at six weeks until Christopher II: The Foetus Strikes Back is released and it’s all baby, all the time. No more yanky my wanky.
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Posted on July 30th, 2009 | 16 Comments
Tagged: baby, idiots, Meet the Nieratkos, pregnant
Wesel is about as jerkwater as it gets. It’s not only one of the most boring towns in Germany, it also doesn’t seem to ever produce any news that is NOT related to sex. It seems like the people there care so little about anything that they don’t even give a damn about an ex-porn star becoming up for election “against her will…”
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Posted on July 30th, 2009 | 5 Comments
Tagged: Dolly Buster, Mrs. Baumberger, porn, wesel
I’m all up for stoicism. Moaning little self-involved bitches make me feel ill. My granddad fought in a tank in a desert and saw his matey get eviscerated, then spent six months in a prisoner of war camp, and he wasn’t a little moaning bitch about it. Still though, once being stoic turns into a t-shirt that says, “My husband went to death via cancer, and all I got was this shitty shirt”, you’ve officially gone too far and strayed into psychosis. You’ve also strayed into this company’s target audience. Read more »
Posted on July 30th, 2009 | 8 Comments
Tagged: ashes, Death, urns
When I pulled off my girlfriend’s underwear the other day she probably thought it had something to do with make-up sex, since I’d spent the whole evening with internet research instead of listening to her. She was absolutely right, but first I wanted to find out about her character. Martha Olschewski, the world’s foremost vagina reader, was gonna help me with that.
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Posted on July 30th, 2009 | 8 Comments
Tagged: premonition, vagina!
This is Jasper Joffe. He’s very high here. High on hubris. High on being Jasper Joffe. As if the Britart “me, me, me ” generation hadn’t gone far enough – as if Tracey Emin sketching herself masturbating (how did she hold the pencil steady?) wasn’t onanistic enough to put you off your copy of Art Now – Jasper Joffe has recently also concluded that l’art c’est moi. Read more »
Posted on July 29th, 2009 | 10 Comments
Tagged: art, Brit Art, Jasper Joffe
Tens of thousands of people rolling around in each other’s masticated filth while high on every household substance that the part-time dealers can successfully powder or pill is a recipe for self-harm. The entire festival site is an adult playpen designed to facilitate the sort of debauchery that normally ends in a hospital visit. Which is why, I thought, being a festival paramedic must suck. Not only are you forced to stay sober while everyone around you descends into gurning, grinning morons, but you have to fix them when it goes wrong. Read more »
Posted on July 29th, 2009 | 12 Comments
Tagged: Festivals, swine flu
Holy fucking guacamole! This installment of Hey Ron! addresses a man who thinks he’s discovered that the lady he’s engaged to has sex on film for money. Ron sets our buddy straight and manages to teach us a thing or two about the ways of the heart in the process.
Hey Ron!
I was surfing through the internet the other night looking for some really good porn, and I stumbled across a video that I’m 99 percent certain features my fiancée, who I’ve been seeing for three years. I watched in disgust as she was defiled by two men on either side of her and almost threw my monitor across the room. She is on vacation right now, and I haven’t said anything to her yet. What should I do? If it’s her I need to know, but if it’s not her she will be so offended she might break up with me (and she’ll know that I look at porn!). Anyway, if it turns out to be her and she owns up to the fact, do you think there’s any chance of working things out?
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Posted on July 29th, 2009 | 26 Comments
Tagged: fiancée, Hey Ron!, porn, porn star
Last Saturday I was sprayed with shark blood in the name of sportsmanship and science. And money, too. The 23rd annual Martha’s Vineyard Shark Tournament brought in 130 boats at $1,500 a piece from all over the east coast. Friday and Saturday they scooted 15 miles off shore to hook the monsters in hopes of attaining alluring prizes like another boat or cash. For the scientists that collect information and the shark’s organs and ‘nads, the tournament is a field day of data. Only two boats sunk on Friday due to the ten-foot seas, but Saturday was calmer and I documented the glory on shore in sunny Oak Bluffs, Massachusetts.
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Posted on July 28th, 2009 | 16 Comments
Tagged: Boston Big Game Fishing Club, Martha's Vineyard Shark Tournament, sharks
Someone once said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” He was clearly wrong. There’s loads to be scared about: murder, illness, pain, war, pollution, getting sacked, and fear itself. And that’s ignoring obscure phobias. I knew a girl who was scared shitless of the stickers you get on fruit. If you put one on a light switch, she couldn’t turn it on. So, how scared are the people of London?
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Posted on July 28th, 2009 | 13 Comments
Tagged: fear, vox pop
I felt a bit rough last Thursday night but put it down to the incredibly long day spent exclusively with my son, which would be enough to wear out the toughest of tough guys. Probably just tired, I thought, and went to bed at about 1 AM – an early night for me – thinking I’d be fine come the morning. I woke up two and a half hours later, dripping in sweat and unable to breathe. Read more »
Posted on July 28th, 2009 | 5 Comments
Tagged: age, aidan moffat, swine flu
