So, my local Chinese, Wu on Homerton High Street, Hackney, still has standards. In the face of worldwide apathy, it still believes in maintaining the magic of eating warm noodles in front of the telly. Magic that can only be achieved with a complementary helping of fortune cookies with each delivery. “So what?”, I hear you say, “Fortune cookies are just baby snacks repackaged for retarded Westerners who think they’re getting a tip from their soothsaying Oriental friends.” Obviously you don’t believe in magic. Here’s the wisdom they’ve been offering lately.

These five divinations are basically classic existential messages of self-affirmation and positivity that really could be applied to anyone with a head. The slightly broken English adds a sense of bewildering wisdom (”This is the month when ingenuity stands high on the list”?), but in general, they’re just pats on the back from your local restaurateur. This is less universal though…

Hmmm, really? At what? My dad’s taxi-rank reunion? Shit, I’m really not sure about this one but yeah, go on then, I guess that would be nice. Imagine how happy you’d be if you were going to a reunion the next day and you’d been worrying about your stretch marks and then, at the end of your depressed pig-out, you read this. It’d be like a hug from God.

Hmmm, I will be going on a cruise will I? I really, really don’t want to though. Maybe this one is for pensioners or something. There’s an old people’s home near my house, maybe this one is designed for them, old people love cruises. I can’t think of anything worse though, so I hope my order just got mixed up.

This is as good as it gets. This is like when you buy weed and not only is it slightly better than expected, but the guy you bought it from topped you up because he made you wait so long. If I ever go to court I’m going to break this out as a character witness. If I ever fail to pay alimony and my future ex-wife goes nuts I’m going to wave this and say gravely, “With great power comes great responsibility,” so she’ll understand I’m too busy saving the Earth to send her the cheques. I’m taking this one to the grave with me, where I will rest my head in eternal sleep, a hero for infinity.

ROCKY