I know so many guys who, at some point along the way, after waking up next to a greased up fatty or the more elusive “I wish I was Amy Winehouse” type sket, have blamed their misfortune on too much alcohol the night before. But unfortunately, boys, you will no longer be able to use “beer goggles” as an excuse for having it off with the ugly girl from across the bar. Read more »
Archive for April, 2009
Living with a hammer fucker
One time I lived with a stranger from Nebraska who shit in her room and slept in a bird’s nest of moldy food each night. One afternoon I was sneaking around in her room and found a condom in her trashcan and a hammer on her bed. I don’t know what anyone else would conclude after chancing upon those items in someone’s bedroom, but I was certain that some hammer fucking had been going on, because a real flesh penis had never stepped through that door. Like the peeling of an onion, she revealed herself to be more and more disgusting each day, and here’s why…
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Scandal in the Japanese pop world
(SMAP’s Kusanagi, front centre)
One for fans of salacious cock stories: scandal has hit Japan this week as Tsuyoshi Kusanagi, singer in phenomenally successful pop mega b(r)and SMAP tarnished his and his band mates’ previously untouchable careers by being arrested for getting pissed up and running about a park in central Tokyo butt naked, screaming at strangers while waving his dick at them. Read more »
Dicks beware, daggering can be dangerous
Guys can get over zealous when having a real-life sex with a naked girl. After all, you’ve got to be quick because at any moment the poor lady might realise what a disgusting thing they’re letting you do. Rigorous pumping can be dangerous – you may have ripped a dick at some point, or bruised a pussy – but hopefully you’ve never actually broken a bone, or a boner. In Jamaica though, they take sex seriously, and according to doctors out there, cases of broken cock have trebled, thanks to daggering. Read more »
Wanna have your ears bitten off, chewed and handed back to you?
OK, maybe we’re drowning you in plugs for our own shit today, but this is the last one I swear. And it’s a good one. Poet, pugilist, renaissance man and sometime Oxbow vocalist Eugene Robinson loves fighting. A lot. So much so that he wrote a whole book on the subject. If you have bigger balls than I then feel free to come down and stand in front of Eugene as he barks out tracts from one of our favourite bits of printed stuff in recent memory tomorrow at The Old Blue Last.
The Mayans, Nostradamus, Jello Biafra
While dodging our mums’ phone calls urging us not to go out in public until they’ve figured out this whole swine flu doozy, we decided to investigate who may have predicted this spreading morass. And it turns out the prophet is…Jello Biafra. Maybe we’ve ribbed the guy in the past for his “politics,” but we are not the type to demean a bona fide prescient being (um, plus he shows up in this season’s Soft Focus so we should probably chill on the merciless abuse). His song “Swine Flu” may have seemed like the 1991 tabloid joke of an old guy stuck on teenage diatribes, but 18 years later we’re convinced he’s the next Briansdreams (that’s where avian flu was first predicted). In 2024, according to his album released in 2006, watch for werewolf overpopulation and Moses returning to give blowjobs.
Come and destroy our pub
Do you miss pop-punk? Of course you don’t, but that isn’t stopping What’s My Age Again? being the biggest new club night about. It’s on again BTW. On Saturday 9th May at The Old Blue Last the third installment of the teenage riot is to be boosted by a performance from a very special secret guest, playing classic album _ __ ___ track by track! Which, if you knew what it was, you would get excited about. However, if you don’t like surprises, but you still like making out with skinny kids to the sounds of Jawbreaker, then it’s only the show which costs any money, you can hang out downstairs knee-deep in nostalgic pussy/dick for free. All the party kids will be upstairs mind…
Killer robots in Sweden
All this stuff about robots…they seem so great right? But just when we start to trust these docile creatures they go all haywire on us and it’s starting NOW, no matter what inane creature the Japanese robot constructor showed us yesterday. A guy in Sweden was attacked by a huge robot built for lifting stones. Some reports say it grabbed him by the head and chucked him around and other reports say it simply whooped his ass like a trained killer collecting his debt (four broken ribs and a close-to-death experience, that is). You can make jokes about factory workers being dumb they might as well have rocks in their heads or even get alchemical and clever and talk about the Philosopher’s Stone (aka the brain) in relation to this incident, but we’d just prefer to back off the humor just in case the internet is friends with this machine of rage and wish this guy a safe and happy convalescence.
Literary - Nine things to look at/read
Every once in a while Nick Gazin rounds up all the drawings stuff people give him for free and reviews it while berating himself. Here’s another one of those times…
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Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath: The Dead Won’t Rise Again
Summer’s coming so I’ll warn you now; try not to get seriously injured or ill in August. August is the month the medical students are released into the hospital as fully-fledged doctors. And to make matters worse, their first job is often on the crash team. In other words, they are your last bastions of hope, your final hand-hold on this mortal coil if you have the misfortune of going into cardiac arrest. If I were you I would just stay dead. I would want to be resuscitated about as much as I would want someone to mutilate my dead body. Read more »
Robots feel rage too
Robot makers these days are all focused on creating immortal info machines that are sleek and graceful, so God bless the Tokyo University of Science’s soft nostalgia for 1990s-style clunkers with “skin” who looked “real,” because it begot SAYA the helpful receptionist here, aka an animatronic Mike Myers. Perhaps her finished design was inevitable considering development started in 1993 and she was done only recently. Her looks and styling were created by a guy who makes a living as a love doll creator. (We got a peek at SAYA 2.0, who was made to look like her engineer’s ex-girlfriend, which is actually spookier than what she looks like now.) With a vocabulary of 300 words that can be configured into 700 phrases, she talks from speakers in her tits. But don’t say anything about it–or anything rude, for that matter–or she’ll curl up her face like a pitbull and tell you off. Our friend Maria Ahlgren discovered this when she visited SAYA at her home in Japan. Read more »
Girls love violent guys
I have been trying to work out how to get off with girls for about 18 years now. I have been trying all sorts of crazy stuff. I talk to them, try and spend time with them, say nice things about them to their friends in the hope that they will pass it on, sometimes if I am really desperate I even ask them what they are up to on the weekend. But it seems I have been wasting my time - the helpful guys over at GYMBOX have cracked it. Check out their handy five step guide to getting laid… by hospitalising poor people! Read more »
The planet speaks
You know when you’re taking off in a plane and you see people and you think, “Wow, it’s a cliche, but they really do look like ants!” Well you’re not looking hard enough. This presumably very busy graphic designer looked from his window one day and thought, “Wait, that building looks like the letter ‘I’, and then there’s a space and then that one looks like an ‘A’. Cripes! There’s an ‘M’ and after another space, that tributary beside that car park and the power station seem to spell out ‘G O D’!” After an hour’s flight he’d read a proclamation from The Almighty demanding him to help people read God’s landscape and discover truths yet unseen by man. So the Aussie graphic designer spent six months scouring the whole state of Victoria on his computer finding things that looked a bit like letters of the alphabet, eventually finding all 26 characters. (Though ‘Q’ was obviously a bit of a bitch.) They’re bloody useful…
