Hello, my name is Chris Nieratko. You might know me from such films as Skinema: Love on the Rocks or My Wife’s Mouth Will Not Get Pregnant. Or you may not. Either way, Vice has found me, my wife of the same name (Cris), our dog Benny and my wife’s retarded (literally) Uncle Lonnie interesting enough (maybe stupid is a better word) to share our life with you on a weekly basis. I hope you enjoy. But I know you won’t because you’re so tragically hip that you can’t enjoy the comedy of domesticity. Oh well. Tough titty.

Well, seems I missed a week or two somehow. I didn’t really notice but my email was ringing off the hook from headquarters demanding my next slice of Pullitizimo. I tried to explain to The Head Pussy In Charge that, “No one cares. I could write a stupid entry once a month or 8 times a week and it wouldn’t make a difference.” He tried to convince me otherwise. I was not convinced.

Today I leave for Australia with the one and only Tony Hawk, maker of Bagel Bites and the 900. I am truly excited. And I felt I needed to get into character by giving homage to his 80s hair cut: the McSqueeb. Oh, how I suffer for comedy’s sake! One day I’m sure they’ll crucify me to a cross made entirely of rubber chickens till then I will plug away with the hard hitting journalistic world of blogging. (I really hate that word.)

Side note: A few weeks ago my mate and Vice UK editor Andy Crapper came to the States to visit me, and that band that VICE is trying to convince the world is the Obama of metal and that they’ll save us all. I picked up Andy at the metal band’s apartment and the band came out to meet me. I told them I was a big fan. “Really?” they asked. I said, “No, I’m just kidding. Yous guys suck.”

Then I asked if they were in the apartment practicing. They said, “No, we’re in there drinking.” I said, “You might want to consider practicing. Yous guys need it.”

Last week Vice U.S. editor Jesse Pearson came over with Leatherpants and a few other cameramen to film an Unsolved Mystery-type bit for VBS. The subject? Who really shat on my mother-in-law’s carpet? Was it retarded Uncle Lonnie? Or was it, as he claims, the cat?

Knowing that Lonnie isn’t much of a talker we hired classically trained Shakespearean actor, Christopher Phillips, to play the role of Lonnie in the reenactment. I think you’ll definitely be able to see the resemblance.

Get the latest Flash Player to see this player.

It should show up on VBS in the next week or so. Maybe not. We might just bypass the internets and go directly to Cannes with it. I mean, if the world loves a band of musicians that can’t play music from Iraq then they’re bound to love a shitting retard from New Jersey, right?

I forgot to mention that Friday the good folks at Powerhouse Books, the people that distribute my book, Skinema, were kind enough to allow my friends from Red Bull Skateboarding, Zered Bassett and Ron Deily, to skate inside their bookstore.

It’ll appear in an upcoming issue of Skateboarder. So if you haven’t already bought Skinema, please do so. (Sorry for the shameless plug but VICE has long stopped promoting my book. Or rather…did they ever really begin?)

I must now go to the airport and then on to Australia. If a bird or ice doesn’t seize the engine and cause me to crash and die you’ll probably be seeing photos of koalas or kangaroos or some shit next week.

Get the latest Flash Player to see this player.

Meet the Nieratkos, part 1

Meet the Nieratkos, part 2

Meet the Nieratkos, part 3

Meet the Nieratkos, part 4