Hello, my name is Chris Nieratko. You might know me from such films as
Skinema: Love on the Rocks or My Wife’s Mouth Will Not Get Pregnant. Or you may not. Either way, Vice has found me, my wife of the same name (Cris), our dog Benny and my wife’s retarded (literally) Uncle Lonnie interesting enough (maybe stupid is a better word) to share our life with you on a weekly basis. I hope you enjoy.
But I know you won’t because you’re so tragically hip that you can’t enjoy the comedy of domesticity. Oh well. Tough titty.
I’ve contracted some sort of AIDs as a result of bad sausage. Usually sausage doesn’t agree with me but it has never tried to kill me before. The other night my father-in-law made me a birthday dinner of sausage and pasta. I ate like I was going to the electric chair. That night I was awoken at 3 AM by a text message from my ass that said, “Meet me in the bathroom! We’ve got problems.” Oh and boy did we have problems. Whatever came out of my ass was the exact same color grey as the sausage I’d eaten earlier. Looking down at it from an upright position caused me to instantly vomit uncontrollably. The splash from the vomit hitting the toilet sent poo water into the air like a geyser, coating my face, making me vomit again.
The past 24 hours I have been buckled over in pain alternating between vomiting, shitting, sweating and freezing. My wife seems to think I have the flu but I know it’s a result of the sausage. The mere thought of it makes me want to puke again.
So I apologise… I’ve got nothing to say. Instead here’s a video of my dog licking my tongue (after he ate cat poop) (just kidding) and Lonnie getting fed and trying to put a cork in a bottle.
I feel awful about how dull and boring this is but a friend of mine said I shouldn’t worry too much about it because 99 percent of blogs and personal journals have zero points of interest. So I guess I’m like everyone else now.
Next week is going to be good though, I promise. Me and Jesse Pearson are filming a reenactment of Lonnie shitting on my mother-in-law’s carpet tomorrow. We also plan to interview (interrogate?) Lonnie about the incident. So that should be entertaining.
CHRIS NIERATKO
Reader Comments
February 27th, 2009
6:09 pm
I enjoy the comedy of domesticity, i’se seen both garry umarried, and married with children
but this column if just shit
February 27th, 2009
10:41 pm
i ran into this conundrum once after drinking a mixture of beer, wine, and at least four types of liquor, including jager. woke up late/early - the sun wasn’t up, that’s for sure. ran to the bathroom because there was no way my ass was going to be able to hold in what was churning. as soon as i pass over the bathroom threshold i feel the puke beginning to come up. in a split-second decision i sat, shat splatterpaint style, then immediately vomited. tried to make it into the tub but it didn’t quite make it. i still think i made the right choice, but if the shit had been solid it would have been an easier clean-up than the vom. in this case though, the splats were all the way up under the rim. maybe the only thing worse than feeling that bad is having to clean up while feeling that bad.
February 27th, 2009
10:42 pm
“Whatever came out of my ass was the exact same color grey as the sausage I’d eaten earlier”
one time I ate about 6 or 7 red velvet cupcakes in a row… same problem.
February 27th, 2009
10:43 pm
Once when my parents were out of town, my aunt was babysitting my brother and me. They were spoiling the hell out of us, of course, and took us for ice cream. My brother had Superman ice cream and about an hour after we got home, low and behold, there was an exact replica of if, now out of scoop formation in the middle of the living room.
February 27th, 2009
10:43 pm
oh no! this is going to turn into a “who has the grossest shitting story” competition…its inevitable
February 27th, 2009
10:43 pm
how long is it lasting? don’t want to frighten you, but you could have:
a. some type of ecoli poisoning
b. dysentery
c. common, horrendous but not dire, food poisoning
If it keeps up, basically flu-like symptoms are the key, then def. see a doctor. did anyone else get sick?
hang in there, man!
(think of it as a cleanse)
February 27th, 2009
10:44 pm
i used to really love lonnie smith, centerfielder for the atlanta braves back in the early 90s. he was a class act. maybe that’s why i like this lonnie so much too, but it might be because he’ll do whatever you want him to even though he has super-human strength. all retarded people do, it’s like how god makes up for shooting a blank.
March 2nd, 2009
9:09 pm
Is that Aunt Jane’s cackle in the background?
March 3rd, 2009
3:13 pm
I appreciate the comedy of domesticity, but if I wanted to know about this shit I’d just eat something (anything) out of my fridge. Shite.
March 11th, 2009
4:11 pm
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