Getting Horny with Matthew

As we’ve mentioned before we get some very pointless press releases. For no reason at all, Mathew Horne (Gavin from Gavin and Stacey) has been approached by XFM to run his own club night at 333. He doesn’t even have to book the bands, he just gets to hang out and listen to a Franz Ferdinand DJ set. Is there anything on Earth you’d prefer to receive a press release about? Obviously not. This guy clearly plays an integral part in modern music. I mean, he’s friends with The Maccabees! Anyway, since it was just down the road, we thought we’d try and behave like real journalists, you know, like Luke Blackall, and go where the press release called. Only we bummed it up because the club night was on Thursday so we’re not promoting it like the PR wanted. How do real journalists jump hoops for PR’s so quickly?

VICE: Hello Mathew Horne, do you really think you’re qualified to run a club-night?

Mathew Horne: Almost certainly not. But I would argue that I know as much as anybody else really if that gives me enough justification to do it.

Right.

Because… I-I’m the audience. I AM the audience. And like, music is put out for an audience, so if I’m part of the audience, it’s up to me to decide what’s good and what’s bad. So I’m probably just as good as anybody. As qualified as anybody. To do something like that. To curate something like that.

Is there going to be a comedy element? I found the line-up quite funny.

My Dj-ing will be the only humorous side of things. If you’ve got a sense of humour that is, which it looks you don’t.

What are you gonna play?

I would really like to do an hour long set of click house.

Start a musical outfit like Mighty Boosh.

No, I’m starting a tribute band.

Tribute to who?

Interpol. Only, we would be called InterLOL.

Have you ever taken drugs?

No.

Really? Never even tried a lil bit of something?

No. I’ve drunk booze.

There will probably be a lot of people on drugs at your club night.

Why, are you going to be?

It will probably make it more bearable. That makes it sound like I’m not really excited; I am.

I can see. It’s your mouth not your eyes though. Your eyes look sort of dead.

So do yours.

That’s your influence.

Or the drugs. I’m guessing that in your line of work now that you’re a big time music promoter, cocaine may be your drug of choice? Theoretically speaking.

That’s the white stuff, isn’t it? I’ve seen that about, people put it up their nose, don’t they? I’ve seen people sniffing poppers.

That’s not illegal.

Isn’t it? Maybe I’ll try it. We should do it together.

It relaxes the muscles in your anus. Have you ever had anything in your anus?

No.

Not even a finger?

No, I don’t really want that. What’s with your death stare.

What death stare? I’m just holding a straight expression.

Your mouth is a lot happier than your eyes.

That’s just because I have loads of gaps in my teeth.

Me too.

You know what fucks up your teeth? Cocaine.

I know more about methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine. I think the kids call it MDMA. Have you ever had that? What’s it like?

MDMazing. So now that we’re friends now, Matt, could you hook me up with some gear at your night? I mean, refer me to someone else even. Say I come to your club night and I’m really upset, my boyfriend’s just dumped me, I just need to get up, what would you say?

I’d say have a sniff on these poppers and then finger my arse hole.

If I’m the one sniffing the poppers, you should finger my arse hole.

Well, we can work that out on the night.

Mutual fingering. That sounds like a good name for a club night. Better than Club XFM.

That sounds like GASH! That’s such a horrible word.

I think they should rename that night Axe-Wound.

Mutual Fingering.

What about, ‘My sphincter is bleeding’?

Too wordy.

‘Matthew Horne Pushing Musical Boundaries’. Hey are you alright?

Yeah, why?

Nothing, you just look a bit fucked.

I’m just tired. I’m an actor.

No drugs my ass.

No. Drugs, then your ass.

You’ve made a film about Lesbian Vampires right?

Yeah. It’s been quite exciting to be involved. I play the best friend of a guy who’s just lost his job and I’ve just lost my girlfriend. We decide to go away on holiday and get caught up in a cursed village overrun with Lesbian Vampires.

Sounds great. What’s your address?

Can I come to your birthday party?

No. I’m having a party on a boat this year and I don’t want anyone to OD and fall into the canal.

Maybe we’ll start going out.

Do you wanna come to a strip club?

When?

Now.

I can’t. Wait. What time, like, actually now?

Yeah. We have to take some photos first. Both of us in a cubicle doing a line off a toilet-seat.

No, lets do the fingering.

Ok, thank you very much. Goodbye.

Somehow we managed to blag some press time with my mum, so we’re gonna have a phoner with her up on here next week. Don’t forget to check back for that.

BILLIE JD