Growing up in Marin County, CA I was witness to what I like to think of as the freakiest examples of girls doing crazy shit to themselves to look good in Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman-era pube-hat jeans. Eating disorders are sad. But they’re also responsible for the funniest diets I’ve ever heard of.
The Sudafed and Wheatgrass Diet - Pretty self-explanatory. Sudafed suppresses your appetite, while wheatgrass shots make you feel like you’re absorbing nutrients. In reality, this diet makes girls loopy and gassy, not necessarily in that order.
The Weed Diet - This is a funny one. Apparently if you smoke shitloads and somehow resist the urge to snack, you lose weight, fast. Something about metabolism, you know. This would sound all the more laughable if I didn’t see it completely 100% work with a dude-friend. He wanted to lose a few before uni, bought an ounce and disappeared for a week. When he came back he looked like Tin Tin and did a lot of crying.
The Cotton Wool and Orange Juice Diet - A classic. If you’ve ever seen an after-school special, you’ll know about this one. I’ve only seen it in action once and there was so much gagging I almost sympathy-ralphed.
The Learn-To-Puke-On-Command-Using-Only-The-Power-Of-Your-Mind Diet - The girl I knew who could do this was Canadian and ended up stealing everyone’s credit cards at a party in Junior year and disappearing into the night forever. But when she did this barf trick, it was simultaneously so alarming and dainty it was like seeing some boner-inducing combination of Uri Geller and Glenda the Good Witch in action.
Atkins - I’m not gonna knock Atkins. A) doing so stopped being funny in 2003 and B) I think it reduced my dad’s blood pressure. But once when I was briefly on this diet I made bacon and cream cheese sushi. Not in the sense that the bacon was raw, but that the cream cheese was rolled in fried bacon. It may have taken two years off my life, but I will never, ever achieve that kind of happiness ever, ever again.
Reader Comments
January 22nd, 2009
the weed diet works. i’ve seen it first hand with at least three of my friends. the munchies are deceiving. you really don’t eat as much as you think you are.
another good way to lose weight -> be broke. worked for me.
January 22nd, 2009
In 1998 my fat friend went on the whisky diet. I swear he was like 230 at least but whenever he got hungry he decided to take a shot of Jim Beam instead (the bourbon diet doesn’t sound as good). Within a year he had dropped down to a svelt ladykilling 140 or something crazy like that. Now just his liver is fat. Good times.
p.s. Implementing the weed diet today.
January 22nd, 2009
jim beam IS bourbon, numbnuts.
January 22nd, 2009
All this shit is garbage, if you want to get in shape all you have to do is swim. Swimming will completely kick your body’s ass, even if you only do it once a week. And before anyone starts in with the “I can’t afford a pool, rich guy” business, if you tell the YMCA you’re a student (you don’t have to be one, just tell them) you can go for $30 a month, and if you live in Williamsburg that big indoor pool on Metropolitan is like $80 for a year (but you have to swim with Jews). Either way is less than you’d spend on weed, tooth re-enameling to make up for all your barfing, or a bunch of atkins paraphernalia and steaks.
January 22nd, 2009
And if you don’t know how to swim you are a baby. Or a black person.
January 22nd, 2009
“The girl I knew who could do this was Canadian and ended up stealing everyone’s credit cards at a party in Junior year and disappearing into the night forever.”
I like this story.
January 22nd, 2009
Try the adderall diet. You will be so focused and wired you won’t be able to sleep ever and subsequently become addicted to sleeping pills, but the major upside is you forget to eat and pretty much stop feeling hungry altogether. Kind of like coke without all the teeth grinding. It’s a lot harder to get a prescription nowadays, most doctors make you go through intensive testing. Someone you know is bound to have it though.
January 22nd, 2009
kiss your lungs and voice goodbye with the adderall diet. you’ll be chain-smoking like john wayne at a family reunion.
January 26th, 2009
I wish i was self disciplined enough for this…