We were supposed to play in Toronto with CSS but the show was canceled due to a bomb threat. If it were up to me I would have played the show anyway, but then again I have no soul and I don’t give a shit about anything. My friend DJ Jumbo Shrimp hooked us up with a last-minute show in Detroit at this dive bar called LJ’s Lounge. We really didn’t know what to expect and the bar wasn’t really equipped to handle our elaborate pop show, but we needed some extra cash and a place to stay, so as they say, “The show must go on!”

We were all shocked that people actually showed up and were so into it! Lots of cute guys with bad skin and fucked up teeth came out to show their support, which had me all tore up! Like, I was horny.

Two super fans from Cleveland had snuck out and stolen their parents’ car just to come see us play! They were disappointed when I told them we wouldn’t be setting up any cardboard props, but they soon got over it after I bought them some drinks at the bar.

I won over the crowd by screaming the entire time and refusing to take off my leather jacket. There was a girl in the front row getting all sexy with me while tearing out her hair extensions and waving them in the air. This enraged our two super fans, who were trying to seduce me as well.

After the show Zach, Albert, Kurt, and DJ Jumbo Shrimp went on a White Castle binge while I curled up with a gravity bong and the Sex In the City movie.

Played in Baltimore the next night to a gallery filled to the brim with lesbians. I felt right at home and delivered a powerhouse performance. I was hoping to run into this guy I met the last time I was there. I can’t remember his name but we did blow together and made out for a little bit, and then he confessed that he possesed “the perfect dick.” A dick so perfect that he had to have condoms shipped in from some foreign country. He got pissed when I told him I didn’t want to fuck him, I just wanted a bed to sleep in for the night. I sort of regret not taking him up on his offer the first time around because he didn’t come to the show and now I will be forever worried that I might not see/experience the perfect dick.

CODY CRITCHELOE

Photos Megan Mantia