Speaking of oddly timed rip-offs, I can’t believe it took the New York Times a full year to find my letter to you about milk containers and spin it into some article about "being green." But I guess better late than never. I’m also really into the sassy "See what I mean" expression the old lady-shopper’s making.
Toodles,
TERRY A.
Brooklyn, NY
Archive for June, 2008
DEAR VICE - MILK OF THE FUTURE’S PAST (REDUX)
DEAR VICE - MILK OF THE FUTURE’S PAST (REDUX)
Speaking of oddly timed rip-offs, I can’t believe it took the New York Times a full year to find my letter to you about milk containers and spin it into some article about "being green." But I guess better late than never. I’m also really into the sassy "See what I mean" expression the old lady-shopper’s making.
Toodles,
TERRY A.
Brooklyn, NY
NEW YORK - I THINK THEY MADE MY SHIRT BACKWARD
I just realized that my t-shirt is backwards. Not that I’m wearing it backwards, but that they screen-printed the cat face on what should have been the back and put the tag on what should have been the front. It took me a few wearings to notice it, but then I realized that I kept tugging on the neck because it felt too tight. I would pull the neck forward, but it always seemed to creep back up. I tugged the shoulder seams forward and they too seemed always to slide down my back. Today was the day that it finally dawned on me: The shirt is backwards.
NEW YORK - WE ARE BUSTED
SCANDINAVIA – LIVERPOOL SOUNDCITY!
SCANDINAVIA – LIVERPOOL SOUNDCITY!
I woke up the next morning with that sweet sensation you get whenever you wake up in a luxury hotel. But this heavenly feeling was quickly interrupted by some disturbing news. I got a call from reception saying that my room in the Beatles hotel had been double-booked, and I had ten minutes to get out. So much for the English breakfast!
LONDON - BRUNESHEAD REVISITED
VICE UK’s Bruno Bayley is stridently heterosexual. Rolling around in the grass, half naked on a hot summer’s day with his best buddy Caius doesn’t phase him. He’s totally fine with it. It’s not gay. It’s two guys together, having fun, nuzzling each other, out in the open. Look at his angelic face. It’s just beautiful.
LONDON - CHARM OFFENSIVE
So the council have started putting up posters congratulating themselves for clearing up the puke and dog shit on our streets. Their PR guys have deliberately (let’s hope) confused the term Charm Offensive. Unfortunately, they forgot that you’re not supposed to boast about stuff you suck at. The reality on the streets is that puke is everywhere, it’s worse than ever, and no one ever cleans it up. Our pavements are
pockmarked with puddles of vomit at various stages of decomposition,
from the fresh-from-last-night puke to the tell-tale splash stains left
by older puke corroding the sidewalk.
LONDON - T-SHIRT JOKES
T-shirts with "jokes" on them are rarely funny. In wearing one you’re essentially telling the world you’ve found a joke so funny that you want to tell it to every single person you walk past. This joker thought it would be hilarious to announce to the world: "WANTED: NICE WARM HOME FOR MY COCK." No one who walked past him burst into hysterics, slapped their thigh and winked at him. He is basically reliving the crushing despair of telling a piss-poor joke only to receive an awkward silent response with every person who passes him in the street. That is literally thousands of time a day; more than enough to depress anyone. No wonder he looks so glum.
CHRIS O’NEILL
SAN FRANCISCO - JELLO BIAFRA IS OLD
Good god. This has got to be one of the most depressing "concert reviews" we’ve read in a long time. While we’re on the subject though, it would really make our day if somebody drew a diagram a la that Black Flag hair chart that was going around illustrating Jello’s facial convergence with Meat Loaf and followed that up by hosting a radio debate between him and Fred Schneider. Fingers crossed!
NEW YORK - OLIVER THE HUMANZEE
Wow, good luck not watching all six parts of this documentary on Oliver the Humanzee in a row right now. I can’t believe "humanzee" is an honest-to-god scientific term.
PS: The best part of the video is when the slightly gay guy describes Oliver’s attempted rape of his female owner while sitting at a grand piano and the best part of Oliver’s wikipedia page is this line: "Oliver’s trip coincided with a concert promotion of the rock ‘n roll group The Monkees, and he was presented on Japanese television shows with Micky Dolenz providing inaccurate scientific observations."
NEW YORK - KING KHAN & THE SHRINES (CONTEST CLOSED!)
Tonight King Khan and the Shrines are doing one of those free shows at the South Street Seaport in Manhattan. While Khan has been no stranger to these parts, this is the Shrines’ first trip stateside and we are looking forward to the standard Khanate onstage pandemonium as multiplied by 12 and raised to the power of Germans. In the spirit of Friday afternoon generosity we will give the following to the first person to correctly identify the subjects of the three x-treem closeups below: VIP access and three backstage passes to tonight’s show, the complete King Khan back catalogue including vinyl and CD versions of the comp we just put out, copies of the new Heavy Metal in Bagdad DVD as well as the old Vice Guide to Travel DVD, and a free lifetime subscription to the mag.
