Today I came into work wearing an upside-down cross necklace and the rest of the office laughed at me. I said, “After spending Passover at a Catskills resort with my family, I think Satanism might be the religion for me!” That’s the kind of old-world zinger they tell in the Catskills. But the real reason is that I have been rereading all my old Anne Rice books from when I was a teenage goth and wow, they are still awesome! The Vampire Lestat is my favorite one because that’s the one where you learn the whole history and even the origin of how vampires came to be! And it was in ancient Egypt! And also there were druids involved and I fucking love druids!
In a nutshell, the Egyptian gods Isis and Osiris were once important human people who helped the Egyptians not be cannibals, and then one day they went to go check out this demon spirit who was angry that it didn’t have form with which to do stuff, and then the barbarians got all scared and stabbed Isis and Osiris for some reason, and they were like, “Nooo! Now the demon will enter us through our stab wounds!” And that’s totally what happened! The demons went into their bloodstream and took over their bodies and now they are immortal and need more blood to keep the demons going or something like that. Oh! And now they call Osiris and Isis “Those Who Must Be Kept” because if they die, then all vampires die! And for like 6,000 years they are kept in an ornate tomb deep under this giant dangerous mountain in the middle of nowhere and they look like statues but it’s just that they’re so fucking old they don’t even have to move anymore! That’s like the coolest thing I ever heard. I wish I had one gross stray boob hair of Anne Rice’s creativity. I haven’t finished reading the book but I think I remember that Isis ends up rising from her throne and talking to Lestat at the end or something awesome like that. Then he buries himself in the Earth and wakes up in 1985 to start a goth band called Satan’s Night Out, which is pretty corny. I plan on finishing the book tonight. Hooray, my exciting life! Oh, can you guys recommend me other cool books to read about druids and ancient Babylonia and shit like that? I can’t read any more quirky short stories about talking bears or any more depressing child-molestation novels.
Anyway! That’s why I decided to wear an upside-down cross today. Because of druids and vampires and also there’s a whole chunk of the book with all these vampire cults who worship Satan and have really grisly Sabbat rituals and refer to everything as “Dark,” like “the Dark Gift” and the “the Dark Children,” etc. I think all that stuff is neat-o and I don’t care if you think I’m a dumb stupid bitch, which you probably do because that’s all anyone ever writes in the comment boards on here. But guess what, Mr. Commentator: You can go fuck yourself! And I say that with the confidence of all that is dark and evil! Satanism offers this sort of total freedom that I find very comforting. “Do what thou will” and all that stuff, or as the Mamas and the Papas sang: “Go where you wanna go! Do what you wanna do! With whoever, you wanna wanna do it with!” Thomas suggests that Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way” is also a satanic anthem. It’s just like, do whatever! That kind of freedom is something I dream about when I’m bummed out about Mondays and carpal tunnal. (He also pointed out that both songs are major fixtures of local car-dealership commercials, which I think is a weird coincidence—no wait! A dark coincidence.)
Still, I took a cab to work this morning and I hid the necklace under my shirt because I didn’t want to upset the cabbie who had a rosary dangling from his rearview mirror.
AMY KELLNER
Reader Comments
April 30th, 2008
6:57 pm
odear. it appears we’ve got a total fucking looser on our hands!!
April 30th, 2008
6:57 pm
there’s a lot of exclaiming going on here.
April 30th, 2008
7:05 pm
oh my god the only thing worse than “whack” is “looser” JESUS CHRIST THIS IS FUCKING INFURIATING!!!
April 30th, 2008
7:26 pm
believing in Satan is just as retarded as believing in god, you have to presuppose that both exist before you pick side. But Satan is more metal, so hes the cooler imaginary friend.
April 30th, 2008
7:46 pm
ooooh, way to call out religion there, mike. An “imaginary friend for adults”? YOWCH! Next you’ll be saying they might as well believe in a “flying spaghetti monster” or something. Anyways, I’ve got lunch right now, see you in geometry.
April 30th, 2008
7:54 pm
Funniest blog I’ve read in a while. Love it
April 30th, 2008
7:56 pm
amy, you should post on your blog again. i enjoyed it and i’ve never even met you.
April 30th, 2008
7:59 pm
listen don’t hate on richard dawkins
April 30th, 2008
9:06 pm
the title of this post keeps cracking me up. I keep hearing it said in the same tone of voice as “hmmm, I could go for waffles this morning.”
April 30th, 2008
9:22 pm
Amy, you are the coolest!
April 30th, 2008
10:51 pm
Nice work with the caps there kelly really got the point across, maby send vice a list of words everyone is allowed to use? fucking GIMP
thought you’d like that one
April 30th, 2008
11:11 pm
This was sort of lame, but Amy Kellner is basically the best and has a free pass for this kind of shit.
April 30th, 2008
11:13 pm
wow, those are some pretty sour grapes from a shitty “looser” who can’t spell.
May 1st, 2008
1:03 am
read “ancient evenings” by norman mailer for really cool ancient egypt/magick and esoteric stuff. its half accurate well-researched historical and half fantasy magicians and high preist-y stuff
May 1st, 2008
1:08 am
where did you get that necklace and/or how was it made
May 1st, 2008
1:23 am
DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW
LOVE IS THE LAW, LOVE UNDER WILL
May 1st, 2008
1:25 am
The DEACON, opening the door of the Temple, admits the congregation and takes his stand between the small altar and the font. [There should be a doorkeeper to attend to the admission]. The DEACON advances and bows before the open shrine where the Graal is exalted. He kisses The Book of the Law three times, opens it, and places it upon the super-altar. He turns West.
The DEACON: Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. I proclaim the Law of Light, Life, Love, and Liberty in the name of IAO.
The CONGREGATION: Love is the law, love under will.
The DEACON goes to his place between the altar of incense and the font, faces East, and gives the step and sign of a Man and a Brother. All imitate him.
The DEACON and all the People:
I believe in one secret and ineffable LORD; and in one Star in the Company of Stars of whose fire we are created, and to which we shall return; and in one Father of Life, Mystery of Mystery, in His name CHAOS, the sole viceregent of the Sun upon the Earth; and in one Air the nourisher of all that breathes.
And I believe in one Earth, the Mother of us all, and in one Womb wherein all men are begotten, and wherein they shall rest, Mystery of Mystery, in Her name BABALON.
And I believe in the Serpent and the Lion, Mystery of Mystery, in His name BAPHOMET.
And I believe in one Gnostic and Catholic Church of Light, Life, Love and Liberty, the Word of whose Law is THELEMA.
And I believe in the communion of Saints.
And, forasmuch as meat and drink are transmuted in us daily into spiritual substance, I believe in the Miracle of the Mass.
And I confess one Baptism of Wisdom whereby we accomplish the Miracle of Incarnation.
And I confess my life one, individual, and eternal that was, and is, and is to come.
AUMGN. AUMGN. AUMGN.
May 1st, 2008
4:15 am
but seriously all forms of religion are retarded. Reason for your SELF and not what your parents have indoctrinated you with. you can still believe in god, just not in the bueacrasy that divide the two
May 1st, 2008
9:41 am
The origin of (Rice’s) vampires was told in The Queen of the Damned, not The Vampire Lestat.
May 1st, 2008
10:45 am
Paganism has nothing to do with vampires or satanism, please ammend your illinformed title
May 1st, 2008
12:52 pm
Jesus And I Love You…
May 1st, 2008
1:41 pm
I thought this blog thouroughly entertaining.
I think it’s funny how the people who always write demeaning comments are always the illiterate fuck-faces. Like how the person a few comments below myself wrote “looser” instead if “loser”…idiot…
Or the person who wrote “odear. it appears we’ve got a total fucking looser on our hands!!” Which in retrospect makes him/her look like an idiot as they actually took their time reading the blog, and then posting that ridiculous comment about it…
I say, go forth with your Satanic endeavors…and feel free to continue posting clever blogs about it:-)
May 1st, 2008
2:38 pm
Ha ha, some indignant “pagan” getting all bent out of shape and taking it seriously. Blessed be, fruit snaps.
May 1st, 2008
3:52 pm
thank you all for your encouraging and even non-encouraging comments! to answer grass’s query about where i got that necklace: that is an excellent query! because it was made by the most awesome jewelry maker called MENDED VEIL. it’s very chic and very EVIL. highly recommended!
my second response is to the person who pointed out that the true origin of vampires is revealed in the next book “queen of the damned”–yes! this is true! but, in “vampire lestat” marius tells lestat a briefer version when he takes him to see THOSE WHO MUST BE KEPT. and then the next book goes into more detail.
and finally: yeah, i know i’m conflating paganism and satanism and you know what, i’m just being goofy. spending too much time in the catskills for passover with tons of old jews can make a girl crack! although i did enjoy doing water aerobics with a bunch of elderly ladies. that was rad.
xo amy
May 1st, 2008
4:03 pm
oh, and some MENDED VEIL stuff can be bought at oogaboogastore.com. don’t think they have upside-down crosses anymore, but they do have black onyx upside-down heart necklaces! as seen on sasha grey in the richard kern fashion shoot this month. ok, over and out!
x
May 1st, 2008
4:29 pm
oh p.s.! today i am wearing a necklace with a bullet on it that is a family heirloom! my dad brought it back from his tour of duty in NAM! i also have his dog-tags but my mom gold-plated them so now they’re gay.
May 1st, 2008
5:54 pm
you guys are such techno scum. this girls is awesome id totally do her, and then smoke bowls after while we read books. yeah.
May 1st, 2008
7:18 pm
also if you live in NYC every stand on st.marks has upside down crosses.
May 2nd, 2008
12:20 am
I had a feeling druids were making a comeback. I’ve really got my finger on teh pulse of youth culture.
be careful though. It’s a slippery slope. Next year we’ll all be practicing Faerie Wicca and listening to Celtic Woman.
May 4th, 2008
4:36 pm
Ann Rice is actually into “Christianity” now!
Check out this quote:
“In 2002 I made up my mind that I would not write anything that wasn’t for Christ,” the former vampire queen explained. The title of her latest novel stakes out Rice’s new preoccupation. “Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt” tells the story of a young Jesus from his point of view: a 7-year-old boy who is discovering his powers and his identity.”
Personally, I say follow what your heart dictates to you. However, if your heart dictates for you to hurt others, you’re an asshole.
May 8th, 2008
6:46 pm
finger on the pulse of youth culture? Cliche’s used just to be cliche’s. Now they can’t help sounding ironic. Alice you are so now it blows my mind.
July 24th, 2008
7:04 pm
If you research it you’ll find the inverted cross is a christian symbol known as the cross of St Peter. The fictional character known as St.Peter didn’t want to be crucified the same way as his mate Jesus, something to do with not being worthy of it or something, so he got them to do him upside down instead.
Crucifixion? One cross each, move to the right.