SEX: How to Do Everything
Em & Lo
DK
OK, serious question: Who the fuck was this thing made for? It’s a coffee-table sex manual by the fucking "sexperts" at nerve.com (shudder) full of overcomposed pictures of smiling people pretending to hump interspersed with health-class diagrams for such corny sexual techniques as "Rhythm is Gonna Get Her," "Let’s Twist Again" (which perpetuates the myth that guys like having their dick turned like a doorknob when you’re jerking them off), and "Girl on Top." Take a wild guess how that last one works.
This sort of Joy of Sex crap might have made sense 30 years ago when there were still some Desparately Seeking Susan-style housewives out there itching to find out what these "blowjobs" everyone keeps talking about are, but I kind of feel like the overlap between people who don’t know how to have doggie-style and people who buy books of uncircumcised underwear models fake-fucking has dwindled substantially in the interim. Wouldn’t it be nice if instead of convincing themselves that they’re "expanding people’s sexual horizons," the publishers just acknowledged the actual readership of Sex and went ahead with marketing the book to horny 12-year-old boys who have to hide it between the couch cushions at Borders when their parents come to get them?
PS: Nice work putting the book’s sole black couple in the "Fantasies" chapter.
KELLY SPHINCTS
Reader Comments
April 29th, 2008
9:17 pm
seriously, this is the bottom of the barrel of sex manuals. there is a WHOLE PAGE about kissing that includes such helpful hints as “moisturize! chapped lips are a bummer.” i’m not kidding.
April 29th, 2008
9:19 pm
Oh jesus, I worked in the books section of a Media Play in high school and at the end of every shift I’d have to go by the couch, the sci-fi/role-playing games section, and then the bathroom and fish out all the hidden sex books. One time there were was a copy of this kind of book with freshly stuck-together pages tucked in the children’s books section. That encounter really chilled me to my bone.
April 29th, 2008
10:39 pm
ugh me too. I worked at Barnes and Noble and everyday the Sex shelf would be half empty and the books hidden behind all the magazines. I sort of wonder what impact the internet has had on the browsing popularity of these things.
April 29th, 2008
10:39 pm
ugh me too. I worked at Barnes and Noble and everyday the Sex shelf would be half empty and the books hidden behind all the magazines. I sort of wonder what impact the internet has had on the browsing popularity of these things.
April 29th, 2008
10:39 pm
ugh me too. I worked at Barnes and Noble and everyday the Sex shelf would be half empty and the books hidden behind all the magazines. I sort of wonder what impact the internet has had on the browsing popularity of these things.
April 29th, 2008
10:39 pm
ugh me too. I worked at Barnes and Noble and everyday the Sex shelf would be half empty and the books hidden behind all the magazines. I sort of wonder what impact the internet has had on the browsing popularity of these things.
April 30th, 2008
1:11 am
wait a sec, the twisting thing is a myth? I had a boyfriend when I was 19 that had eons more sexual experience than me and he taught me that. I’ve always assumed it was golden, as long as there was plenty of lubrications involved.
April 30th, 2008
1:52 am
So, ehm, the fly down in the picture: intentional?
April 30th, 2008
1:57 am
The photograph appears to be taken by the smutty brain of one of the pubescent boys priorly derided. See, even his pants are unzipped.
April 30th, 2008
2:31 am
Worked at a small bookstore with a big kids’ section. We’d frequently fine porn mags hidden among the picture books. Not to mention the guy who would come in weekly to puchase one of those “Your Changing Body” books for pubescent girls, until we barred him from the store. This has to be either the same guy, or the most frighteningly common perversion ever.
April 30th, 2008
5:39 am
There’s a great dutch manual for sex that the models are children. Black and white, very tastefully done…
April 30th, 2008
5:39 am
There’s a great dutch manual for sex that the models are children. Black and white, very tastefully done…
April 30th, 2008
5:39 am
There’s a great dutch manual for sex that the models are children. Black and white, very tastefully done…
April 30th, 2008
5:39 am
There’s a great dutch manual for sex that the models are children. Black and white, very tastefully done…
April 30th, 2008
6:16 am
All those little handjob flourishes are bullshit. Just grab hold and jack it at slightly varying rates of speed. If you’re really looking to impress a guy though, you can stop right in the middle and slap the top of his shaft downward. Be sure to go “sproi-oi-oi-oi-oing” if you do it though. Otherwise it kills the effect.
May 1st, 2008
5:17 pm
i just wanna fingerbang myself now.
May 2nd, 2008
12:28 am
please tell me the undone flies were unintentional
May 2nd, 2008
11:42 am
Do they have a chapter on auto-erotic asphyxia?
May 8th, 2008
9:22 pm
is it unstylish to have a foreskin….?
May 8th, 2008
9:43 pm
not unstylish per se, but it is a little gross. sorry.
May 8th, 2008
11:30 pm
the title reads, “how to do everything” i assume thats just being overzealous? maybe theres a untapped market in “Coprophilia for the Uninitiated”…
November 28th, 2008
7:39 am
actually foreskins are instyle right now
November 28th, 2008
3:34 pm
Umm, has anyone who posted ever been to nerve.com? It is a site for pasty white liberals who apparently just started having sex last year. Just flipping through the archives, I learned that interracial dating is bad (and by ‘interracial’ they mean ‘people from outside Brooklyn’) that it’s ok to jerk off to celebrities and that sometimes straight people have anal sex too! Cutting edge stuff.