You know how every once in a while you’ll meet someone so utterly
perfect, so totally exciting and funny that you can’t help but feel that you’re destined to spend a lifetime together? Only one day they’ll turn around, look you gravely in the eye and say: “I’m sorry, this isn’t working.” You might be taken aback at first, incredulous
even. But as time passes, you’ll end up wondering why you didn’t see
it coming sooner. Well, sucks to be you because Diane Lazarus would’ve totally seen it a mile off. Diane is a psychic investigator, and as well as
reading both the past and the future, she can see into your mind, commune with the spirit world and locate people wherever they might be. She claims to have made contact with thousands of spirits, and helped police inquiries in a number of high-profile cases. You
might be thinking “Bullshit!” right now and yeah, I guess it is a bit
far-fetched. But who are you going to complain to? Your girlfriend? She’s over you, buddy. Anyways, we caught up with Diane and asked her about her extra-sensory prowess.

Vice: So how did you first discover you had this talent?

Diane: I wouldn’t call it a talent. I’d call it a curse. I was about
four. My mother said I was high strung, and that I didn’t trust people. I’d come running and screaming into my parents’ room, saying
there was a man in my bedroom. My brothers and sisters didn’t see 
anything, so my mum and dad weren’t having any of it. They thought I was just looking for attention. When I was about seven or eight I saw a gentleman so vividly that I had an epileptic
fit. Doctors prescribed me strong sedatives but my mum took me off them. It took me years to learn how to cope with it, to control
it. You get labeled schizophrenic or whatever, but I’m definitely
normal, whatever normal is. I get invited to a lot of glamorous
parties with lots of celebrities, but I don’t go. They want me to talk to Diana or something.

Those heels. Can you tell me about working as a psychic for the police?

The West Midlands Police contacted me about a case I’d done a reading for. I traveled up to Birmingham and I was taken to a nightclub where a missing person called Mark was last seen. I left the club and I was retracing his steps - where I thought he’d have gone - when I started getting visions… horrible visions … I saw him cut up and put into bags. I told the
police but they couldn’t find him. After a month or so, his family
went on Kilroy. They invited me on but I said no. I’d been on before, I’d won a challenge, but I said no. Mark’s family did say though that
I’d seen him, that I’d described what’d happened. Anyway, after the
show aired a cousin of the two killers walked into a police station and handed them in. After that they found Mark’s remains right where I’d seen him.

Wow. So what about this challenge? What’s it called?

Great Britain Psychic Challenge. I knew I was going to win.

Ha! Good one. …Wait, seriously?

Yes. My daughter filled out the forms on the internet. She put me
up for it, but I’d only have gone if I knew I was going to win. They
started us off reading photos, jewellery, that kind of thing. When it
was down to about eight of us, we had to find a person hidden in a 
forest, a huge big forest. And I, you know, just walked straight up to him. There were literally minutes between me and the sniffer dogs.
That was when the air ambulance asked me if I’d mind helping them. Of course I said yes, I’d be more than happy to. They haven’t called yet, but I’m always happy to help people. I got a call from a lady in
Switzerland. She couldn’t find her son, so in a week I’d flown over
and I was there at the bottom of Mont Blanc. I get people calling me from all over the world; Barbados, South Africa … I teach people how
to open their minds too.

What do you mean?

Well, everyone has the gift. Not everyone’s a psychic, but I
can show people when yes, the phone’s going to ring and yes, you know
your husband’s lying to you and he’s in the pub not the office.

So what am I thinking right now?

I’m not switched on at the moment, so I don’t know. Everyone
always asks that. They think I’m a performing monkey or something.
You’re probably thinking about what you’re going to have for lunch.

Shiiit.

DAVE REGAN