In case the sweltering, will-destroying swamp-heat hadn’t already tipped you off, it is now officially summer, and that means one thing: Dipshits worldwide have started wearing straw hats in an effort to recast their personality. This is basically the warm-weather version of the ill-fitting trench coat, and yet nevertheless tons of people somehow think it’s a classy and distinguished way to showcase their zaniness. Honestly, unless you are an elderly black or Italian man, wearing a straw hat makes you look like you’re in the horn section of a third-wave ska band at best, and at worst the parking lot of a Jimmy Buffet concert. Especially if you’re a girl.
Archive for June, 2007
NEW YORK - HATS OFF FOR SUMMER (PLEASE!)
MELBOURNE - ALL LIGHT UP!
Well, it’s finally here. Come midnight Saturday, (a cruel time to implement this by the way) Victorians will no longer be able to smoke inside pubs, bars or nightclubs. Obviously the smokers are angry about all of this, but nobody is more pissed, apparently, than the band The Pretty Things from the UK who have written a protest anthem called “All Light Up” in the name of upset smokers everywhere.
TODAY ON VBS
Today in Toxic Alberta, we pay a little visit to Marshall House, the assisted-housing shelter for Ft. McMurray residents who are stuck below the town’s $75,000 poverty line. That’s right, if you’re not pulling in nearly a hundred-thousand dollars a year in Ft. Mac you are more or less homeless. Is there any aspect of this town that isn’t either depressing or massively depressing?
GAMES - GRAND THEFT AUTO
Apologies to those readers who got aggro the last time we reported on the new GTA, but the brand new trailer is too good to miss. It features the best Russian accent since Arnold Schwarzenegger played a KGB detective in the 1980s cop/buddy movie Red Heat (although this guy comes a close second).
BOSTON - NIERATKO ON TOUCHER AND RICH
Hey everybody in Boston, if you’re of the radio-listening persuasion you should tune into 104 FM at 6 tonight to hear Chris Nieratko prattling on about the new Skinema book and other assorted exploits. The last time he was in Beantown it was for a Celtics game where he held up a sign that said, “Will someone please stab Paul Pierce,” so it’s entirely within the realm of possibility that tonight’s “interview” will turn out to be a lynching. If not though, there’ll be an 8 PM book signing at True East Skateshop on 32 Province Street.
NEW YORK - SHE WAS BORN TO BE MY UNICORN
For those of you out there who enjoy such things as animal drawings, art shows, animal shows, unicorns, and fun, our managing editor/Cute Show helmswoman Amy Kellner has put together a little group exhibition that caters to all your fey little whims. It is called She Was Born to Be My Unicorn and it opens tonight at 7 at the Smith-Stewart Gallery downtown and you are welcome to come. It also features a bunch of our favorite artist types like Jim Krewson, Ryan McGinley, J. Penry, and Jaimie Warren, but we figured we should stress the context into which all these folks are being crammed so you know exactly what you’re getting into. A cuddlefuck, that’s what.
CANADA - TOXIC ALBERTA
I know we said that we were only going to post new news content every other day for the rest of summer (we call it “tropical blocking”), but this week we got a little ahead of ourselves so instead of making you suffer while we play the patience game, we’re just going to run a new segment from the oil sands today. Consider it our belated solstice/early Canada Day present to you.
THE QUEST FOR THE BROWN NOTE
The brown note is a low frequency sound which, when played at a loud enough volume, vibrates your bowels so as to make you involuntarily shit your pants. Scientific studies say it’s a myth, but that hasn’t deterred a rabble of stoner-rock bands from down-tuning their instruments to seek out the brown note. Many of them - including Kyuss, Sleep and Dead Meadow - are featured in the new documentary Such Hawks, Such Hounds: Scenes From The American Rock Underground…
MISSISSIPPI - THUMBS UP!
It is Wednesday, folks, which as always means a new episode of
Thumbs Up! On this week’s edition, David and Harry stock up on rations
at the Wonder Bread factory store and get ready to take the plunge out
of Memphis and into the wilds of Mississippi.
NAPLES - RADIO MAFIA
Italian authorities have raided a radio station used by the Mafia to broadcast messages to its soldiers. Radio Camorra was shut down by police struggling to stop a recent blood-letting that has seen 18 murders and 11 attempted murders in the city of Naples alone. Run by the powerful Birra family, the station broadcast songs and gave shout-outs on-air to communicate messages to members who were out-and-about and to homies listening in jail…
ACRASSICAUDA TO PLAY OZZFEST?
The metal band from the land where music and parties are banned, Acrassicauda were featured in a recent Guardian article about the VBS show Heavy Metal in Baghdad. With the British broadsheets now behind them, the dream of them playing Ozzfest is becoming more real. Sharon Osbourne, if you’re reading this, do get in touch.
PHILADELPHIA - ESPERS INTERVIEW
They wear flairs and have hippie hair, but don’t be fooled into thinking that Espers - today featured on Practice Space - are a boring psychedelic folk band. They told us that they live in a commune that practices free love and shared vice. And we believe them. Then they told us that their music wasn’t psych-folk but rather, "a sherpa to guide all through the foothills of paranoia. It is a good, honest companion and friend…"
HAITI - GHOSTS OF CITE’ DE SOLEIL
Ghosts of Cité Soleil is a scorching new documentary about the most dangerous place on earth. It follows the gangster army that lorded over the most deprived ghetto in Haiti, the poorest country in the western hemisphere. In our latest issue we interviewed the movie’s director about the insane access he managed to get. Last night we watched the film and, from the very first frame, it grabs you by the neck with two hands and doesn’t loosen its grip for 88 vein-bulging minutes…
