WHOOOOA! Way to BLOW MY MIND Vice!!! Photog art re-regurgitates the same alternative concepts every five years. Guess what? I had a point-and-shoot portfolio…after my sixth week of Intro to Photography in 9th Grade (my first four weeks were spent snapping shots of the ultimate photog cliché: rusted abandoned metals juxtaposed with wild nature). I am hardly an artist, nor an outright critic of art, but photog art needs to go in one of two directions: (1) really put their heads together and devise something truly unique, or (2) continue to capture the moment.

Either way, much like DJing, ANYONE can do it. Don’t believe me? Give a Nikon to the urban camper (homeless person) outside of your building and tell it (sorry, he or she) to snap a couple shots. Not only will you have a “dark and personal look through the eyes of the artist,” but you will have a portfolio that someone out there is going to be willing to back as beautiful and meaningful for some reason or another.

On that note, I am going to go steal my niece’s Spirograph and make a few spirographs. After which, I am going to go skateboarding. If and when I fall and develop a raspberry, I am going to rub the blood and small pieces of asphalt from said raspberry on to my spirographs. Then, I am going to write “This is NOT Art” across them with a Sharpie Magnum. Lastly, I will sell them for tens of thousands of dollars each. If art was just cliché then I would be fine. My issue is that art is officially boring.

You are boring, shut the fuck up.

spirographs are pretty fun

hey i thought ur comment was witty and smug. i like it. have you considered writing for pitchfork?? now - back to taking pictures of skewered cats hangin from my window ledge…its not sick, its art

“It’s all about trying to get a better understanding of the world.”

Oh, THAT’s what it is all about! All this time I thought it was about getting laid. Silly me.

“Basically I am getting feed up with pretentious fine art exhibitions”.

Yeah, the kind that have statements like this posted on the wall:

Dave Bevan – a personal statement

As an artist, I find myself constantly struggling, trying to unearth, understand and recognise the details and particulars that add up to the sum of any given situation. Not necessarily the total, all-encompassing truth of that place, but rather the fragments; the clues and pointers toward seeing, understanding and learning. Signifiers and footnotes, smoke & mirrors - all that which adds up to our comprehension of our personal place and its larger surroundings. I find the post-modern city a fascinating proposition; a theatre encompassing nearly every element of living, characters of every description; a constantly influx organism, not nearly as permanent as would seem when viewed from a distance, liable to shift under your very feet; a place for chance encounters weirdness and splendour; a cage, a gauntlet, booby-trapped with mundane routines and the non-to-distant threat of some violence-or-other; an empty hull scattered with shipwrecks and drifters, the birdsong of sirens always on the winds.

i love vice readers. they dont take prisoners

yeah that artist statement is fucking cringeful. here are is what a real photographer says about the subject. from a interveiw with William Eggleston

“‘A picture is what it is,’ he says when I ask him why he no longer wishes to talk about individual photographs, ‘and I’ve never noticed that it helps to talk about them, or answer specific questions about them, much less volunteer information in words. It wouldn’t make any sense to explain them. Kind of diminishes them. People always want to know when something was taken, where it was taken, and, God knows, why it was taken. It gets really ridiculous. I mean, they’re right there, whatever they are.’”

I guess Eggleston never had to deal with the birdsong of sirens always on the winds or non-to-distant threat of some violence-or-other.

good work man…

thats some keen eyes.
yeah, i am feed up with pretentious fine art exhibitions…just like the one that i wrote that pretentious statement for (was it from the degree show at sheffield, or an exhibition up at lancaster? i cant remember.) unfortunately, i’m not immune from my surroundings and am prone to getting caught up in the moment of things, be it a university fine art degree, or the first exhibition i was chosen for post-uni…either way -in retrospect- i’m not overly stoked on either of ‘em and except my part in their pretensiveness…which now, after walking that line for 3years or so, am feed up with…

hence this thing we’re trying to do…i’m not a ‘real’ artist or photograher either, just trying to get on with some stuff…

So let me get this straight, the old Dave was a pretentious ex-skateboarder who went to art school and started hob nobbing with the art crowd, tearing up the post-modern city and riding the influx organism and dodging all them booby traps.

The NEW IMPROVED Dave is all about sketchy themes and weirdness and chance encounters. He can be a really powerful guy, a really throw-away guy, it is no skin off his back either way, caz he don’t get fussed, man!

Why is it that I keep thinking of Popeye? A Popeye with Brutus jumping up and down on his back and then manages to get the can of Spinach out and suck it up with his pipe. I’VE STANDS ALL I CANS AND I AINT GONNA STAND NO MORE PRETENTIOUS ART OPENINGS!

nope, never an ex-skateboarder.

jesus guys get a room

I like when porn is mistaken for art…
just makes me smile…
Guess that’s why I still like Terry…

Plinth

Looks like some forum nerds / google addicts have way too much time on their hands. If you don’t like it, switch the channel. Or alternatively write to watchdog. Anne Robinson makes a great friend when no-one else is listening. Damn I blew it: Cos I’m here, I’ve just wasted time listening to you. Sorry Mark, just off to fetch my noosem wanna share it with me?

Yes, I am all alone in darkness of the forum nerd kingdom. It is kind of like an empty hull scattered with shipwrecks and drifters.

By the way, what is a noosem? Sounds kinky.

Yeah all this is bloody lovely, Mark Hammond lets have a fight, not with words but broken bottles and such like. Nottingham Sept 15th ill be the one swinging the noosem.

You wanna fight me!? Don’t you know that I spent the majority of my childhood in and around these car parks, skateboarding, falling over, hanging around, learning such subtleties as the limits to my youthful drunkenness and (courtesy of some of the more wayward kids from round my way) how to hot wire cars.

You better watch out for me.

wow web rage, mega!

Jake, you gotta stick with the talking points, man.

Remember you are trying to establish open and progressive dialogue between creative practices and the happenings of real life.

Seems to me like you are alienating people already. Please go back and read your manifesto.

thanks in advance,
Mark Hammond

ps: The retarded hot wire car macho stuff was borrowed from a Dave Bevan artistic statement. You can rag on him about how lame it sounds.

god i can’t believe people are still debating about art. stupid fuckers. who fucking cares apart from stupid fucking ‘artists’ who feel the need to have the last fucking say before we all undermine their next exisitential piece of garbage?

who is this mark hammond fellow with the bee in his bonnet and the ferret in his underpants and the hamster up his little retentive arse? he is the gayest lord of this entire liberal kingdom of ours.

what the ‘hammond’ fails to understand is that it is the individuals who look at his art who will decide wether it is or isn’t art… and NOT HIM. he can say that it is… but someone’ll just come along and go.. “What the FUCK is that piece of shit?! mark hammond’s a complete twat. if i shat on a crucifix and set it alight, now that’d be art”. truth is anything is… or isn’t. who cares?!?!?! oh yeah, thats right… the ‘hammond’ cares.

Dear Braun my little dubious individual,

You know what your problem is?You just need a place to loiter, man. You know, like the kind that exist in various guises…some more tangible and ‘actual” than others, some hypothetically distant.

Just about every fucking thing I have posted (including this post) was directly cut and pasted from either Dave Bevan’s artistic statements or from the Lurking Hole site, which is EXACTLY why I do indeedy do sound like a gay prick . That is the point.

excessively highbrowly yours,
The Hammond

ps: as tempting as it is to inquire to just who I am, remember this whole thread is reserved for the 6 x 4 x Loads comments, so please stay focused. Dave and his mates are desperate to escape the stigma that your are creating. Because after all, “It’s all about trying to get a better understanding of the world.!!!!!”

Seems the only loiterer here is you,

You are the one trying your hardest to write in an oh so sarcastic witty and negative ‘I dont give a toss’ way in hope that Vice magazine recruitment staff will read it and go…

“oh wow this guy is being so uber conteversial and down on everything that is fun, we must employ him and give him lots of money for being a cunt and then he wont have to hang about at home biting everyones arses on websites whilst he fiddles with his non formed piggly wiggly cock and strokes on his art hole, and then maybe then he can join in with the rest of the world and make some friends instead of drinking in ‘the old blue last’ on his own taking mental notes on the new style of shoes people our wearing and the ‘oh arent we clever thinkers’ at the bar with their Art has to mean something so profound, stance that the College kids are nattering about in between Rolly puffs”

Get a job get a camera take a picture of you piggly wiggly dick and put it on your wall and map out your life in accordance to how inferior you feel, Dick head.

“try to get a better understanding of the world”

Dear An Admirer,
As stated before, this space is here for us to talk about 6×4xLoads article. Keep that in mind.

The loitering line again is not mine, it comes from the Loads site. Please go there now and report back later after the deep words of wisdom there can sink in.

Your rambling homo-erotic missive was inspring though, since it reminded me that, Dave and I (unlike your foaming mouth rant about new shoe styles) are not fussed about how relevant it may all seem. My advice to you is to take a deep breath and stop thinking about my cox so much.

yours,
The Hammond

Cox?

Erm i have seen the Lurking site and know all to well that the loitering line is robbed from there but the relevence of it there is different to you persistent ranting here, and on a subject that you seem to have no liking for but still come back to on a daily basis to ridicule.

Your constent referal to borrowing lines from said site does nothing to justify your snidey bitch about it, i have read all on the site and actually admire the way that it is written with a mixture of dialect, a sense that it is taking itself with a a rather large pinch of salt. Something you fail to grasp and show jealousy of by reposting here in hope that other people share your view that Dave shows himself up with his words.

Not the case, Fun times is what it suggest to me and i strongly suggest you find some of these.

Up the BEASTMANGOATS!

6×4 Folks,

My bitch is mainily about somebody claiming they are sick of the pretentious bullshit, and then turns around and spouts prentious bullshit. Someone who says how great it is to be an artist in Nottingham and they says they aren’t an artist. Somebody who says they don’t care what anybody thinks and then talks about competioin with other galleries.

I am getting a kick out of the reactions. You guys are all suppose to be all about including people and just celebrating chance encounters, and inter-acting and learning, but you all have your head so far up your ass that you can’t see that you are totally circling your wagons and telling any chance encounter (like myself) to fuck off. You are just exclusive as any prentious posh gallery peckerheads who you are supposedly rebeling against.

Hey, I hope you guys have a natural ball at your event. Celebrate your little pants off. If I lived in your town, I would send a dozen roses.

When the party is over, and you are left with that empty feeling of what do we do next, why not actually put your heart and soul into photography. Instead of making it some half ass thing that anybody can do, work your fucking balls off to get some images that will really blows us away. Stop creating “the scene” and get down to the nitty gritty of making kick ass photos. THAT is what most Vice readers want to see.

And with that, I fare thee well,
Mark Hammond

Hi, my name’s Jesus of Nazareth and I’d just like to say that by the power of the Holy Spirit and the Almighty Father, Mark Hammond is a right silly billy

A noosem is a “noose,” where you hit the button to the left by mistake. And damn yes it’s kinky. Michael hutchence liked it by jove!!! i can’t wait till next fri, gonna get messy, like skat porn

I forgot to specify that the button in question is a comma. Look to the left, there lives button M. Phew.

you guys are total fags. do you get carpal tunnel syndrome from text messaging chick way out of you league too?

god, i cant believe i made it to the bottom of this mess

dave, who is this mark hammond cunt? do you know him? up the artfugs!