We know that this story is old news and has made the rounds among the blogs. But Jesus Christ, did anybody notice the writing on this
article? Probably all the well-dressed people in the top right had much better things to report badly, like Iraq and Sudan, so they just sent one of the mail-room retards to cover the local rock-throwing. What, is this supposed to be some sort of foray into immersive journalism?
Archive for July, 2006
New York - Caution, Retards
New York - Final Photo Exhibition Party
It was pretty tasteful for the art thieves who had the balls to steal a framed photograph right off of our gallery wall to wait until our very last photo exhibiton party to do it. It was a very opportune time. Our party/rave was held at the Silverstein Gallery on Friday and despite the fact that there was no free acid distribution as promised (oopsies) the place was so packed, crazy and drunk that it would have been hard to notice someone stealing your virginity. Thanks to all who came or actually paid money for some art, and see you at the next party. In the meantime, keep the memories alive by taking a peek at the photoblog.
Dragon Cock - Dear Vice
Dear Vice,
So I got this emailed to me this morning. Imagine getting humped by this guy! I don’t know if I’d just laugh or stare in shock at his Puff the Magic Dragon dong. This guy is either a genius or a total loser D&D retard. I like dragons, but this is for the rest of your life. This dude tattooed his BALLS AND HIS PIECE. He let another man hold his penis for hours on end and stick tiny needles filled with ink into his dick. Give this man an award, or least buy him a beer.
-RACHEL B.
WARNING: DICK
London - Police Crash Party
Certain people have been getting away with throwing huge, slightly illegal raves in London for a few months now. Thanks to things like gossip and the internet, police are starting to get wise to it all. This is what happened on Friday night.
Click here for pictures.
New York - Two Weeks of Dead Pigeons
As far as pigeons go, we’ve long been on the “fuck those filthy rat-birds and anyone who feeds them” side of the fence. You can imagine our excitement then to learn that our feelings were shared by none other than God himself, who last week began systematically knocking the vermin from the sky just outside our doorway. We aren’t going to pretend to know exactly what has been taking all these birds down (the heat? anti-graffiti cleanser?), but with all the scattered limbs and feathers our block is starting to look much more like the inlay for the Downward Spiral than usual. Our intern Jeff has been documenting the carnage on his way to and from work with his cell phone, here’s a glimpse of his masterwork in progress: Two Weeks’ Worth of Dead Pigeons and a rat to grow on.
(Please forward all “Avian Flu” jokes here.)
Scandinavia – Meltdown
Keeping cool isn’t a big priority in Sweden, seeing as we freeze to death for the biggest part of the year. That’s why every summer the annual heat wave is treated like it’s a complete surprise, and there is absolutely no air-conditioning anywhere on the peninsula. But after having old people and babies dying from the heat, and the rest of the population smelling like AC/DC roadies every summer for the past 12,000 years, the Scandinavian market for air con is finally growing. The MATSUI EC1000 is being sold at the leading home fixing/electrical appliances store in the country for about €100. It’s as big and chunky as any proper AC, so you’d expect it to do the job. Open it up, though, and you’ll see it’s about as useful as rollerblades to somebody who’s legs have just been blown off in a suicide bomb attack. There’s just a regular fan standing on a little built-in shelf, with an ice tray in front of it. That’s it. And there’s only one ice tray, so you’ll need to turn it off every time you re-freeze the ice. This is not a joke either, this is something people actually buy for their homes. We know a guy who works there and he tells us it (allegedly) has no effect whatsoever on temperature of the air surrounding it. What a crock of shit.
I Heart Denmark - Dear Vice
Dear Vice,
I’m moving to Copenhagen!
I just visited a friend there. She lives on Istedgrade, halfway between the junkie church and Kebabistan. Really. The kebab place is called Kebabistan! Ha! You can’t miss either of those landmarks. And that’s where you’ll find me for the rest of my life: tiptoeing around used needles and broken bottles.
Because Copenhagen has it all.
London: Gross Alert
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
A public Masturbate-a-thon, the first ever to be held in Europe, takes place in Clerkenwell, London on 5 August 2006. Masturbators ask friends, colleagues and loved ones to sponsor them to raise money for AIDS charities, in order to take part. The amount raised is determined by how many minutes participants take to masturbate and / or the number of orgasms they achieve. You can also get sponsored simply for having the “courage” to turn up and participate.
Look guys, this kind of shit may wash in San Francisco, but not over here. It’s going to be like the recent Japanese flood that killed 15 people, but a flood made out of un-tested, possibly HIV-ridden semen and vaginal secretions (A.K.A. love juice).
We decided to call up organiser Tony Kerridge to ask WTF he was playing at.
Australian Gross Jar Update
New Ingredients: cigarette butts and butt juice, 1 corn scraped from a toe, 1 pig’s trotter, piss.
We entered the Gross Jar arena pretty aggressively with our original combo of dog and human poo, a raw egg and various other bits of fragrant flotsam and jetsam, so left it alone for a good while so all the bits could get acquainted and settle in. It’s fucking freezing in Melbourne at the moment so there’s not as much development as there might be if we had some hot sun to stir things up, but all the moist ingredients have eventually melded into a cloudy, pus-like layer at the bottom while the dog and human waste has maintained its form and asserted its position as second layer in the jar. The occasional glimpse of plug hair or dental floss squished up against the glass provides a nice little distraction from the other textures.
Unrequited Love - Dear Vice
O no bitch, please.
I haven’t been able to write lately. I
suppose it is because I think this whole endeavor may be pointless.
Every time I think of the poem I mailed to him in a drunken haze (the
eternal excuse), I cringe and blurt some fragment out,
schizophrenically:
“Trick!”
“Fuck!”
“Composite sketch!”
London - Posh Girls Love Grime
Every time we hold a grime event at the Old Blue Last, we find the crowd is half made up of urban teens and half of expensively-dressed, posh white girls. We’re not entirely sure why this is, but they fucking love grime. One well-to-do young lady has taken this love further and remade MC Jammer’s “Murkle Man” video. Try to think back to MP’s daughter, Victoria Aitken rapping on a documentary on ITV, then imagine her in a super hero costume and you’ll understand just how hilariously ridiculous this is. Or maybe just watch the video.
London - Free music downloads
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Download: Free music
Toronto - Nub’s Eye View
I have just been to the most enthusiastic show ever held possibly ever. The Sainte Catherines played with Fifth Hour Hero and None More Black and it was nothing short of amazing. I had never seen Fifth Hour live before and was pleasantly surprised by how much I loved them. They’ll definitely be the guys I rip off the most when my band finally gets off the ground (or into existence). The combination of frontgal Geneviev Tremblay’s tight lead vocals with guitarist…
