As Eddie Izzard once said, the great thing about Europe is that it consists of 30 different countries, with 30 different languages, where no-one has any idea what each other is saying, but where everyone hates each other’s guts. This is never more accurate than when soccer is involved. We all know that sport is the garden where the flower of nationalism, stereotype, and pan-european hatred blooms free.
England-Argentina is simply a reminder of the Falklands war, and in the last European Cup, Ruud Van Nistelrooy, Dutch center-forward, got himself in the press after commenting that upcoming match Germany-Holland was "more than just a game, because we can’t forget what happened 65 years ago."
In "PC-land USA", and it’s newest offspring, "non-PC-but-hey-it’s-ok-we’re-being-ironic-and-postmodern USA" some things are simply left unsaid. So you might think that things are the same in Europe. You might also think that, due to their alliance in World War II, Italians and Germans get along. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Italy and Germany fucking loathe each other, and the World Cup is giving us a chance to prove just how much this is true.
On the surface, host nation Germany is working on its national public relations initiative, the incredibly gayly named, "Operation Smile." Haha. This whilst Der Spiegel, which is not unknown for it’s often anti-Italian stance (see both covers posted here. Der Pate means The Godfather. That’s Ex-Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, btw) has published an article today entitled, "Italians: The Usual Parasites", where the average italian was called a "parasitic life-form", who needs a "host country" to feed on, a host country that he will "suck dry." The article was later retracted. Then it was dropped from Der Spiegel’s website. In it’s place, they left a bland letter of apology (in German and Italian), claiming their article was simply satire which had been pushed too far. But we know the truth. Germans hate "Die Spaghettis" just as much as Italians hate the "Krauti di merda."
In the article, the average Italian, named "Luigi" was identified as a sort of "overgrown baby", who’s only aim in life is to "appear tired" whilst his "Mama", the big-titted slave, washes his socks and cooks pasta for him. The article then proceeds to narrate how the average Italian lives with his "Mama" until he’s 30, after which he finds a beautiful young Italian wife which he then proceeds to treat like shit until she too becomes a fat, big-titted Mama who cooks for him whilst he spends all day "polishing his Fiat and talking about cars."
According to Der Spiegel, Italy will inch past Ukraine "in their usual oily, lazy fashion", in Friday’s upcoming quarter final, and Germany should beat the second-generation Luigis of Argentina. Which means that the Germany vs. Italy semi-final will be the perfect arena to show just how much satire is based on fact.
It will be fun.
Reader Comments
June 28th, 2006
4:28 pm
I’m hoping for the semi finalists to be England, France, Germany and Italy AKA the European Theatre of World War II Part Deux
every nation except for England are greasy cheating scum bags by the way. WTF is up with all the diving, I seen more diving in the last 3 weeks than in 40 years of pearl fishing
signed, Nandayo Tanaki
June 28th, 2006
4:36 pm
who gives a fuck?
Seriously, stop complaining. This isn’t VICE, this is some kid who got beat up too much on the playground.
June 28th, 2006
4:39 pm
haha
remember that Times special, “Why we hate the French?”
so much hate
June 28th, 2006
5:01 pm
I love this article.
Winston is a douche.
June 28th, 2006
5:08 pm
I am going to try and get my proud Italian Boyfriend to get that cover tattooed on his back. A bowl of spaghetti with a hand gun. Genius. I had no idea the Germans were so brilliant.
June 28th, 2006
5:10 pm
it’s just some german magazine. who gives a fuck?
italians do suck though
June 28th, 2006
5:12 pm
So fucking dead on, its fantastic.
Bring out your riot gear, the Huns are here!!
June 28th, 2006
5:27 pm
Ehi german people. What’s wrong with your holidays country? Do you worry about your girlfriends eating italian ice cream in Capri while you’ re at home watching football? Don’ t worry, football is much better than sun, Germany is much better than Italy and drinkin beer is much better than fuck italian guys while your boyfriend is at home watchin football..
June 28th, 2006
5:32 pm
I was in Capri and fucked and Italian once.
He had a short dick and, no joke, his mom called him 3 times that evening.
I should have stuck to the gypsies.
June 28th, 2006
5:37 pm
a friend of mine impregnated a gypsy bitch
its tough shit. he had to buy a gun.
June 28th, 2006
7:17 pm
wops and krauts can all fuck off.
ukraine will rule all you greasy fucks.
June 29th, 2006
1:15 am
As an American, I’m just stoked that everyone hates us for, you know, real stuff. The warmongering, the exploitation of third-world countries, the ignorance-driven xenophobia. But people are going to murder each other over football? Soccer? I don’t understand why everyone doesn’t make like America and just pretend you’re the most awesomest at everything! Fuck a World Cup! USA! USA!
June 29th, 2006
9:52 am
ever heard of world war II?
June 29th, 2006
10:54 am
yo whasup with that gun in the pasta picture WHERES THA SAUCE? they should have included blood sauce cause it would have looked __sommao. I was in Berlin in march the people are warmer than any I’ve met in Europe - genuinely warm and friendly, not that I-TIE overblown fiery manner hiding the cold xenophobic bad temper interior. also the german girls are so fucking hot it’s like your pants turn into a big top housing giant circus snake and swollen clown nose red balls. in addition the late night phone sex commercials house some of the cheeseist plastic surgery cheeseballs dancing on boats and styrofoam rocks. GERMANIA SCHNELL CURRYWURST AUSTENSLAUSEN
June 29th, 2006
10:58 am
I don’t mean yacht boats either, they are writhing on rubber rafts tied to the shore of a slow moving stream
June 29th, 2006
1:51 pm
germans don’t put sauce in their pasta. occasionally ketchup.
June 29th, 2006
11:46 pm
All the german students eat is pasta and frozen pizza. They may hate italians, but they love their food more than their own. And if it weren’t for the italians, they wouldn’t have yummy ice cream in the summer.
June 30th, 2006
12:09 pm
they don’t put sauce in their pasta? what the fuck. they eat the noodles plain? what the fuck is which. their kebabs are great man, they put it in this ciabatta bread with fresh garlic infused hog fat dribbled over it like a squatting big girl making a jackson pollock over the facial canvas of young glyn (copyright r.brand BBBM)
June 30th, 2006
12:15 pm
I’m thinking to revise my earlier statement and predict a GREASY cup semi-finals this year. with all the great valiant european nations eliminated in the quarters - it’ll be Porkchops Versus Slum Dwellas on one side and Argies versus Dagos on the other, with a final that will feature more diving and writhing around on the ground then an orgy at the pearl fisher’s union
June 30th, 2006
12:18 pm
note that ‘valiant’ doesn’t apply to france
June 30th, 2006
7:23 pm
my dear german coglioni
my granddad was a partisan and he couldn’t stop tellin me about how gorgeous it was fucking your nazi bitches!!! sexy and naked your grandmoms were surely taking in it quite suspiciously during wwII and now?
we’ll fuck your ass quite deeply with nesta hair’s favorite oil right there in the semi-finals …so…FUCK YOU VERY MUCH YOU GERMANS KUNTS !!!!
July 1st, 2006
2:18 pm
Come and visit Germany before you write bullshit.
July 3rd, 2006
10:17 am
I’ve been reading Mien Kampf lately. What the author of that article says about Italians is basically what Little Addy says about the Jews.
So I can see why the magazine might have pulled that article on the basis that it was ’simply satire which had been pushed too far’
July 4th, 2006
2:21 pm
People who start conversations with “I’ve been reading Mein Kampf lately…” all need to shave their shitty teenage moustaches, move out of their mum’s front room and stop beating off to cross-section diagrams of stealth bombers. Fact.
July 8th, 2006
8:48 pm
Italy owns thats the fact…
germans and english and americans are all jealous of our beautiful culture…
so fuck off hitler lovers…
btw dont eat too much krauts u will produce a weapon of mass destruction and america will bomb ya
July 11th, 2006
12:17 pm
WORLD CHAMPIONS!!!!!!
shut the fuck up….
December 6th, 2006
1:48 am
I think Germans have been even too nice with these magazines.
Italians suck, that’s the truth.
Soccer is corrupted and is fooling them, as well as the government.
Although italian soccer is fake they still think it’s cool distraction,
while their government is loading them with taxes.
Retarded people. They say “oh we have pizza, and St Peter” only because
someone long time ago invented it. They keep relying on ancient things, which
these today’s retarded didn’t develop.
As Italians are too proud to cross the road out of the pedestrian lines (when you drive) and they don’t dare to say “sorry” or “thank you” to you, (even when they hit you when walking) of course when you unmask the italians for the real sh**t spaghetti eaters they only can be, they won’t admit how bastards these son of cows can be… Plus the women are retarded and bitches, and have big useless nose.
Who am I ? An italian, just trust my proven truth. ;)
January 25th, 2007
2:25 pm
well, this article represents the german attitude 1:1.
it’s not difficult to create an atmosphere which is defintely there to get all these people to say their uninformed opinion of what the people think and are in europe.
nobody wants to read what you think about one german calling the italians “parasiten”.
January 29th, 2007
2:26 am
I hope ur stupid w,annabe comment up there will b d last of this kind,its so embarrassing to read this shit!Im german n now for more than 3 months in italy for foreign semestre,n what u write here is for d motherfuckin non-educated class,like d spiegel report on which all italians construct their critics!
#The relation of italy n germany is nt d best,bt stop to exagerate all this stupid reports n try to be objective!
Hate press!
Greetings Matze
January 29th, 2007
2:31 am
Oh,n what i jus forgot….italians r jus such a strange people!they live really at home until they find a wife to marry!thats nt exagerated r nething..thats the hard reality of 30year old italians!jus different from us!
No offending comment,greetings matze
January 29th, 2007
2:34 am
n all u neo-nazis:please go home n die of ur own stupidness!!!!most of u dont even kno what they r fightin for…n even if,do u c any sense in it?u are jus weak!find friends!Fuckin idiots!
Ur psychologist matze
April 4th, 2007
1:54 am
i say we bomb the us them guys suck espesually bush