You’ll have noticed that the World Cup is happening in Germany. It’s a spectacular celebration of the world that brings the myriad cultures of our lonely planet together in a wonderful festival of colour and joy. Throw a brick into a fountain in any German city centre and you’ll hit a football tourist. But do me a favour: throw it hard. The World Cup brings out the herding instinct in the human race. People are sheep, and here’s the VICE guide to avoiding them. Thankfully a tonne of them have gone home after their teams were booted out of the tournament. This is our guide to the fans who are still here.

Ukraine
Considering that there are Chechnyans who feel bad for the Ukraine, the Ukrainians are good at keeping their spirits up. With only one player who can kick the ball and run at the same time (Shevchenko) they’re happy just to see their boys make it out of the tunnel. Of course, not that many Ukrainians can afford the trip over but the ones who did aren’t afraid of drinking ‘til they pass out in their own puke. Don’t disturb these sleeping rock-faced alcoholics or you’ll find yourself on the wrong end of a jet of innards as caustic as a Molotov cocktail.

Danger degree: 7
Average no. of beers/person/day: 5
Favourite clothing: loads of fake high market brands, with big flashy logos.
Songs: Sea shanties about pints of vodka and hand-to-hand combat.
Where you will find them: In railway stations looking for pushkas
Friends: n/a
Enemies: Poland, Germany, USA, and stray Russians.

Germany
The Germans are finally revelling in 60 years of pent up nationalism. Now that their grandparents are dead, they’re all excited that they’re allowed to drive through town with a plastic flag glued to their roof. Everyone’s in a good mood – the team is playing better than everyone wants to admit, and now it’s just a matter of alternating between beer and sausages until the English arrive for a plastic chair rumble in the town square.

Danger degree: 9
Average no. of beers/person/day: 10
Favourite clothing: Ballack shirts and wigs with the German colours.
Songs: “Wir sind deutsch, wir sind stolz, wir sind hooooligans”,   
Where you will find them: Everywhere
Friends: Italy, Japan, Croatia, and Spain
Enemies: USA, Poland, England, Holland, Czech Republic, Australia

France
The French are renowned for their mascot, “Le Coq”. This is a male chicken who gets sent onto the pitch at all the big games because he sums up French football —cocky. And over-sexed. The fans are just as arrogant as the players. When France lose, they pretend they weren’t even playing, and if they win they do this apathetic shrug and go “bof” like they knew all along.

Danger degree: 2
Average no. of beers/person/day: 0 (if it doesn’t come from Bordeaux and isn’t made of grapes, it’s not worth drinking)
Favourite clothing: tactel tracksuits, flashy sunglasses and mullets. The fancy ones stay in Paris. Songs: “Allez Les Bleus”
Where you will find them: in selected French bars around Germany. 
Friends: Themselves
Enemies: England, Germany and people who aren’t French

Italy
Hooliganism, like match-fixing, is big business in Italy. All the major clubs have hooligan organisations with funny hats, sponsorship, and undeclared bank accounts. The national side is very similar, but with less supporters, less money, nicer shoes and wives grown in an FHM test-tube. The fans get into a gladiatorial frenzy just before kick-off, and you should shit your pants, because these are gay looking people who can’t drink but will happily beat you up. You never know if Sly Stallone, there, with the mirror lens sunglasses on his forehead and the plucked eyebrows is going to grab your crotch or stab you 57 times with his pocketknife.

Danger factor: 8
Average no. of beers/person/day: 2
Favourite clothing: N-SYNC’s wardrobe from early ‘96
Songs: “Notti Magiche” and the national anthem, where Italians claim they’re not afraid of death because Scipius Africanus beat Hannibal. Right.
Where you will find them: Talking loudly in the street or wherever there’s a big concentration of German girls.
Friends:  local German girls and English tourist girls
Enemies: Germany, France, England

Brazil
Despite being able to maintain an incredibly good mood without drugs, the Brazilian team and their female fans have underperformed in the tournament so far. Whoever said the spirit of Rio would come to Berlin and sausage-sucking Germans would belly-dance with Brazilian supermodels left his willy in charge of thinking. So far the Brazilian fans have been as slow and ugly as their guys on the pitch.

Danger factor: -10
Average no. of beers/person/day: 3
Favourite clothing: bikinis and thongs
Songs: “Torcida do Flamengo”, “Ole, Ola” and all sorts of samba.
Where you will find them: dancing in the street
Friends: Everyone except Argentina
Enemies: Argentina

Argentina
After 20 solid years of doing drugs and supermodels, Diego Maradona is now officially the king of Argentina. No-one deserves it more. He’s literally having a better time than anybody in their trouble-stricken country. Just like their players, Argentinian fans start getting pretty aggressive if they’re losing. Along with the Brits, they’re the main clients for the hooker emporium that Germany has created for the World Cup. They learnt it from this guy:

Danger factor: 8
Average no. of beers/person/day: 5
Favourite clothing: Maradona shirts and sandals. 
Songs: ”Oooooooh, Argentina, cada dia te quiero mas (Oooooooh Argentina, every day I love you more)”,
Where you will find them: in big groups, watching the game in big public screens where the crowd gathers. Or wherever there are hookers.
Friends: Not Brazil
Enemies: Spain, Brazil

England
If you’re English you love two things: your mum and football. You’ll probably be partial to beer and fighting too. You can recognise England fans by their sunburnt beer guts and shitty patriotic tattoos. Although border control is trying to stop well-known hooligans from leaving Britain, things have already gotten a little fruity after games against Poland, Sweden and Ecuador. The English are also the ones making all the funny Nazi jokes. They’re allowed, though. They beat them.

Danger factor: 5789
Average no. of beers/person/day: 20
Favourite clothing: Aquascutum, Hackett, Stone Island, shorts from year’s JJB Sports summer discount sale.
Songs: “Ten German Bombers” “England til I Die”, “Football’s coming home”, “The Dambusters”, “Eng-ger-land Eng-ger-land Eng-ger-land, Eng-ger-land Eng-ger-land Eng-ger-laaaaand” etc
Where you will find them: throwing plastic chairs outside any British pub in Germany. Or, along with Argentinians, wherever there’s hookers.
Friends: none
Enemies: Ze Germans   

Portugal
Spain’s poor cousins. They always feel like losers, even though they have great players like Eusebio, Figo or Baia. If you’re American, think of them as Canadians with better hairstyles. Again, they are prone to melancholy, and will often hang around in bars and get annoyed when people mistake them for Spaniards. Saddest of all, they support the only team left that can’t even beat the English.

Danger factor: 0
Average no. of beers/person/day: 2
Favourite clothing: Black hats
Songs: Sad songs.
Where you will find them: Being late and annoying while trying to find an empty spot to watch the game in a downtown bar.
Friends: Spain   
Enemies: Spain

VICE EUROPE STAFF