First of all, making a mix for a girl you don’t know that well or for a girl that dumped you is the worst thing you can do. She will be lying in bed with the guy she really likes and they will both laugh their heads off at you for putting U2 on there. You can only make a playlist for a girl that you have fucked more than twice and she has to have thoroughly enjoyed herself both times (so, if you had trouble getting it up the first time then it doesn’t count and your “two times” has to start on the second lay).
Anyway, so you have a girl and she likes you and she hopes you like her too. Time to make a mix. Here’s how it goes…
TV Theme – King of Queens
Start it out with an inside joke. David Brent songs are super easy to dig up on Limewire. There’s also a good answering machine message by George Costanza. Pick a show or a movie you both like and start it off.
Hate Song – Daniel Johnston
You don’t really hate her. This is just a funny way to show you’re not obsessed with her and can still fuck around. Besides, putting Daniel Johnston in there shows you’re sensitive and not a bully. Another good fake “hate you” song is “Never Talking to You Again” by Hüsker Dü. Oh, “World Shut Your Mouth” by Julian Cope is good too. They love that 80s Britpop shit.
Inflammatory Writ – Joanna Newsom
If you guys had a daughter together you’d want her to be Joanna Newsom, a smart, weird, hippy chick, that can play the fucking harp for chrissakes. This is a good example of showing restraint too. This is a mix for a GIRL remember. No matter how badly you want to put Against Me! on there you have to fight it.
Neighborhood #1 – Arcade Fire
Boys aren’t allowed to like “cool” bands like Hot Hot Heat and Arcade Fire anymore but girls will like them forever. Shit, they still like Jane’s Addiction (they have Nothing’s Shocking on cassette). This song’s a creeper and it’s a good way to get out of the piano solo singer stuff we’ve had so far.
Sweetest Thing – U2
Making a mix for a girl is easy because you can choose from any era, any genre, any country. All it has to be is funny or poppy or even sad and you’re off to the races. Even though this was a top-10 hit she still loves it and will be humming it for hours after she’s done listening to it.
This Town – Hot Hot Heat
Can you believe you’re getting away with Hot Hot Heat? Lesbians may have a lot of rules but straight girls have only one: no hardcore. That’s easy enough. “This Town” helps keep the uppity tempo you started with “Sweetest Thing” which is a tough act to follow.
Get Over You – The Undertones
Not positive if this is as snappy as the previous two but it’s got great lyrics. “Dressed like that you must be living in a different world” is a great compliment because it’s like you can’t get over her outfit. That’s a good come on because it’s not too heavy and it gets the horniness in there without being creepy.
Johnny Come Lately – Pogues and Steve Earle
Women love the Pogues because of that Fairy Tale in New York song where Shane McGowan and Kirsty MacColl argue about how much they love each other. You’ve been keeping the happy tone going for a while now so after this it’s time to mellow out.
Fuck it Up – Towers of London
Acoustic songs by otherwise pretty raucous bands are a good way to put soft music on there without looking like a homo. We do this later with Pete Doherty. This follows the Pogues well because there’s a banjo in it.
Living on a Thin Line – The Kinks
Girls first heard this song on The Sopranos and now they love it. Ideally playlist vibes come in groups of three. This is your second slow song so one more and we’re out.
Never Went to Church – The Streets
Tearjerker alert! This song is so fucking sad it’s hard to even write about without bawling. It’s Mike Skinner talking about how much he misses his dead dad and the way he notices himself saying “-but” and interrupting people the same way his dad did. Congratulations, you just made her cry.
When You Wasn’t Famous – Professor Green
Unlike “Never Went to Church,” girls HATE “When You Wasn’t Famous.” They hate the chorus and they’re not into hearing about a guy who gets laid a lot. This is kind of a piss take on the song so it’s good to squeeze it in there because it’s a fucking catchy song that shouldn’t be ignored. You just made a smooth transition into danceable hits by the way because these two songs both have Skinner in them.
22 Grand Job – Rakes vs. Statik
Mash ups are fucking gay but this isn’t really a mash up. It’s a Bloc Party chorus with a grime MC doing the verses. Fucking awesome and it’s so out there it makes you look international.
Fiddle With the Volume – Ghislain Poirier
Remixes are great for these things because she’s already heard the original “Fiddle With the Volume” a million times. This version is chest rattling because the base is magnified about 80 times. It’s about as intense as a playlist gets and we’re going to spend the next 13 minutes trying to tastefully come down from it.
Sorry – Pet Shop Boys
Madonna is a must for every girl mix. They love “Crazy” and there’s a weird remix of it that has Ozzy doing “Crazy Train” but we put this one on because girls are fucking addicted to her new album. Again, you have to do a remix because she’s been listening to the originals non-stop.
Satu#8364 – Diamond Nights
We’re not sure what this song is called or even if we’re supposed to have it. It’s a dance remix of that Diamond Nights song where he goes, “Fuck the inclement weather.” Girls love them because of that “The girl is attractive” song and this dance remix is heavy shit. It also blends seamlessly with the Madonna remix because they use the same high hats.
Gone Daddy Gone – Gnarles Barkley
It seems like Danger Mouse (the guy who mashed up Jay Z and The Beatles) and Cee-Lo (the Goodie Mob crooner) sat down with their accountants and said, “How can we go for that elusive girl dollar” because this shit is like catnip to them. They didn’t even do anything to this Violent Femmes classic. They just fucking played it and—don’t ask us why—the ladies fell in love. This is also a good way to leave the dance stuff you’ve been hammering her with.
Stumped – Minor Threat
We know we said no hardcore but this is an exception. It starts out real slow so she can casually walk off the dance floor you provided and gather her thoughts before being introduced to the guitar lounge.
The Witch – The Sonics
This kind of breaks the rules again. The Sonics are about as dude as bands get but holy fuck do they ever rock. Can you imagine what it must have been like seeing them back in the 60s? They sound punk rock today, but 40 years ago!? People we’re having a cow when Bill Haley played and he sounds like fucking Paul Anka. What a band. Anyway…
I’m Free – The Who
OK we’re winding down now. This is a stick in your head nice song that makes her feel good and helps lessen the sting of coming to the end.
Dirty Hands – Black Lips
This may well be the greatest band in the world right now. This is their one slow song and it sounds like the Crystals or the Shangri-las or something (ooh, they’re good too. You should always have some of that “He’s a Rebel” kind of shit in there because it’s corny and romantic). This song has a great part where he goes, “Me and Bobby went to the beach this summer. We built castles in the sand and smoked dope by the water. Then I got tattoo of a dolphin on my belly button and Bobby got a tattoo of that says Panama City Beach 3003.” Then it’s like, “We’ll be together, forever, I’m wearing leather, h-a-a-a-a-ands. Do you really want to hold my dirty ha-a-a-a-ands?”
I Love You – Babyshambles
Girls love Pete Doherty because they love Kate Moss. This one goes, “…and she said, ‘Oh, you, you’re green. You don’t know what love means.’” Which makes her think you two are going to be a troubled romance everyone cares about like Kate and Pete.
That’s it. You’re done. This doesn’t fit on a CD so you may have to load it up on her computer as a big file, drag it into her iTunes and put all the songs in the right order. Then just leave it there. Don’t’ force it on her. “Did you listen to my mix yet” is the kiss of death for any playlist. That’s like asking, “Did you enjoy the lovemaking last night?” If you force her to listen to it she’s not going to hear the whole thing at once and she’s going to stop at Lady Sovereign and think you made her some crazy dance party mix. If you let her choose her moment she’ll hear the whole thing while shopping for clothes or something and it will get her undivided attention—and you know what that means, 1.2 hours of thinking about you. Good luck!
Reader Comments
May 24th, 2006
8:01 pm
ah you almost tricked me! but this is totaly The Vice Guide to Making Sure you Never get Laid by That Girl Again, right? right?
May 24th, 2006
8:02 pm
what the fuck I’m a girl and i couldn’t even finish reading this bullshit! who the fuck wrote this- who did they write it for?! Goddammit this guy talks to girls FUCK HIM! This IS a joke? This is a joke, ha ha fuckface w/ no taste.
May 24th, 2006
8:25 pm
They’re just pushing their own acts. Thinly-veiled, at that.
May 24th, 2006
8:26 pm
seems pretty good to me im making one for a girl right now and totally forgot about the undertones good call
May 24th, 2006
8:33 pm
Girls read VICE?? Awesome
May 24th, 2006
8:35 pm
thats a good ass babyshambles song, one of the 2 known to man, the other being Gang of Gin
May 24th, 2006
8:47 pm
If I was the girl you fucked twice and you made this for me, I’d take a shower to scrub you off me and I would never talk to you again. Knobhead.
May 24th, 2006
9:09 pm
just terrible.
May 24th, 2006
9:18 pm
but i can’t find a lot of those songs. What’s the Diamond Nights one really called? ANd who’s the idiot that said it’s a thinly veiled shill? As far as I can see The Streets is the only vice artist on that list.
It’s true that girls are rarely music snobs and when they’re cleaning up the house and dancing around they just want to hear the hits. They also will play the same song ten times in a row.
May 24th, 2006
9:24 pm
You know it’s B.S. when U2 shows up.
May 24th, 2006
9:37 pm
Other songs good for a chick mix =
THE CLASH - this is england
THE ZOMBIES - this will be our year
DONOVAN - catch the wind
DURAN DURAN - girls on film
NEW YORK DOLLS - trash
THE SKIDS - into the valley
They also love MISS THING and MIA
May 24th, 2006
10:04 pm
The Diamond NIghts song is called “Saturday Fantastic - Space Cowboy remix.” I made it and didn’t give it to anyone. How the fuck did you get it?
May 24th, 2006
10:50 pm
if you really want to impress your girlfriend, start a band and write songs for her
mix cd’s only work for a little while and they always backfire because of the dilemma described in the first paragraph
if your girlfriend doesn’t like your band or the song, don’t worry, rock stars are chick magnets, you’ll have a hundred girlfriends in no time
May 24th, 2006
11:39 pm
Your Mix sucks fucking ass, VICE. And you tore apart that dude who submitted a mix with his resume. both of your mixes suck. bitches.
May 25th, 2006
12:04 am
I am a girl and I would love a guy to give this to me. When ever boys make me a mix it sounds like they made it for themselves or they wanted to impress me by being weird. These are songs that I would actually like (though I’ve never heard of The Sonics or Black Lips).
May 25th, 2006
12:15 am
what about a foreign tune? like ta douleur?
this list is biased. its clearly for the alternative woman. what about others that appreciate backstreet boys and blink 182?…. wait, those girls are fucked. forget what i said.
May 25th, 2006
12:41 am
Terrible. Truly terrible.
I thought the whole idea of mixtapes for girls was to come on too strong to test the waters, either she’ll think you’re a psycho or she’ll be so into you that she’ll let you stick it in her bum. Potentially both.
Way to, “maintain our level of friendship without crossing the boundaries and making shit all weird between us”.
May 25th, 2006
1:38 am
‘22 Grand Job’ by The Rakes and Statik is a Bloc Party chorus with a grime MC doing the verses. Think about that…
May 25th, 2006
2:31 am
wait to work the babyshambles in there. chicks dig pete doherty for reasons no man will ever understand. i’d maybe even let the dude who wrote this stick it in my bum. wait..i would, but i only because i roll like that. what about modest mouse though? they have the hard and soft, just the way girls like it. truckers atlas? it’s long and fantabulous to screw to.
May 25th, 2006
4:02 am
man, fuck you.
May 25th, 2006
4:30 am
What the fuck is this!? I’m truly outraged. This is the most limp-dicked, Hi-Fidelity, no girl you’ve fucked could possibly care playlist I’ve ever seen. In fact the idea that you need a playlist after you’ve fucked her twice - or need one at all - is suspect. You give mix CDs in highschool. Maybe the first two years of college. After that, she picks her own shit and you, if you’re a record nerd, simply fill in the blank spaces with random nerdery that she will approve of. None of this OC bullshit. Make a mix you can fuck to. This is some laundry day bullshit she should already have covered.
May 25th, 2006
4:32 am
mixs shoud only be 4 songs maximum.
May 25th, 2006
4:40 am
fuck you, vice. you championed this whole ironic subculture, spent too much time off the dancefloor making fun of people’s outfits and drinking shitty beer, drinking it ironically, and now you’re all by yourself fucking trying to spot the next hot new band before it even fucking forms, so you can say you knew them when nobody went to their “shows”. fucking chuck-taylor wearing cocksuckers.
time to take some drugs and get out on the dancefloor and quit trying to be so goddamn cool, because this is the pitiful end result. A bunch of thirtysomething assholes calling each other “girls” and “boys”, pouting, and spending a lot of time trying to come up with a creative outfit from the goddamn salvation army. you know what would be really creative right now? If you instituted a mandatory business-casual dress code at the Vice offices and all you sorry fucks started wearing loose khakis from Banana Republic and stretch poplin button-downs.
May 25th, 2006
5:40 am
This mix is for your homo lover
May 25th, 2006
6:22 am
Such vitrol. I guess it’s because men post on the internet more than women do. I think this mix rules and the things they say about us are kinda true. i do like Jane’s Addiction still.
May 25th, 2006
9:37 am
This would have sucked if they were all super obscure and irrelevant. U2 are so gay I love it!
May 25th, 2006
9:49 am
HAHAHAHA. i get it, its misogyny. Thanks, VICE!
May 25th, 2006
10:20 am
The bitches love homotopy to marie.
May 25th, 2006
11:51 am
OK, TIME OUT.
It’s just a fucking playlist he’s writing about. How is this important enough to get you all riled up?
This is not your fucking medicare debate you stupid american fuckos.
Now THAT you should get angry about, you pathetic ign’ant losers.
May 25th, 2006
1:36 pm
Just to throw in the palpable, ladies aren’t ALL into generic shit; some of them actually have quite a fine and innovative taste in music. Shock, fucking, horror.
I predict this is basically the tousled NYC writer’s secret ideal washing up mixtape, or something as embarrassing.
VICE magazine seems to only talk about women as inherently unfathomable, while remarkably easy to correlate to moulded simplicity, passive objects. That is a pretty sad state of affairs for the supposed epitome of some brand of ‘cool’. Maybe I should send in my CV to join the pile of ‘fuckable gets the job’.
May 25th, 2006
1:41 pm
And i do get the ironic misogyny, if that’s what it’s meant to be. the joke is on VICE. Get with it.
May 25th, 2006
2:15 pm
DEATH FROM ABOVE
SEXY RESULTS
May 25th, 2006
2:36 pm
i think it’s cool. i like getting a mix where i know 50% of it and i don’t know 50% (that can include remixes.) but i know a lot about music. i won’t say i have the best taste in the world but it’s up there. i think guys tend to like girls with bad taste in music that they can mold. so i don’t get a lot of mixes.
….but one i got a few years ago had a sound sample from “freaks and geeks” on it and i thought it was the coolest.
May 25th, 2006
3:58 pm
Actually, the way to get a girl to fuck you is to make her a “best of” nomeansno tape.
Then follow that up with a mix that has Lydia Lunch and Rowland Howard doing “Some Velvet Morning”,V.U.’s “Lady Godiva”,some Germs, and some Scott Walker.
That’s the truth. But only if she’s actually worth fucking more than twice.
May 25th, 2006
4:00 pm
god this is the shittiest compilation of music on fucking earth
and please stop trying to convince everyone that grime is anything but completely gay
May 25th, 2006
4:35 pm
Who gives a shit what music a girl likes? Any girl who spends more than five minutes a day thinking about music is some kind of fat geek.
My last girlfriend’s favourite song was “oh, that one of the sunsrceen commercial, with the er..guitars on it.”
What sort of geek makes mixes anyway? I always knew you fellas were nerds.
May 25th, 2006
4:36 pm
shaddup skirt. listen honeypop, girls don’t like good music that much - it’s a fact. look at all the 4th rate crap rip-off bands featuring lame fashion guys that have become popular, and all the crap boybands and Alanis and the crap R&B that’s so popular among the crapheads - it’s usually womens fault. I say usually, but it’s like 90% of the reason behind bad music getting popular.
come on, everyone knows it’s hundreds of millions of stupid chicks propagating terrible music like the Bravery and Death Cab For Coobie. that said I still like getting blood rain on my triffid so I got this four leaf clover of a cool tape up my greensleeves
yo check out my micks for the ladies
Danny Boy - Piper Peru String Ensemble
Clasp Hands - U2 (cover of The Fall)
Gennie and Me - The Corrs
Jump Around - House Of Pain
Dirty Old Man - The Pogues
C’est La Vie - Bewitched
Zombie - The Cranberries
Girl, You’re A Girl - The Thrills
Rumble In My Tummy - Van Morrison
Hep To Be A Lep - DJ Paddywagon
you hear this mix and your girl is going to go green with envy
even if she’s green she’ll soon go red and show the pink to your dink in bed
May 25th, 2006
4:58 pm
im sick of every one trying out to become a
writer for vice
May 25th, 2006
5:57 pm
Why is it misogynist to imply the majority of women are not music nerds? I’m fine with that. We’re also not that into cars, tanks and weightlifting (exceptions abound but we’re talking about OVERALL PATTERNS here). Why are you college kids so petrified about stereotypes? They’re fun.
May 25th, 2006
6:02 pm
Gag or no (makes me gag, anyway), girls almost always
have such shite ‘taste’ in music that I can’t phathom having to listen to something this boring much less putting it together.
May 25th, 2006
6:08 pm
ewwww most of this shit sucks. i hope girls don’t really like this tired ass shit.
May 26th, 2006
2:56 am
Oh fuck. It looks like the Sonics are going to become ‘hip’. I bet someone’s already onto screenprinting the cover of ‘Boom’ onto a tshirt…
May 28th, 2006
8:38 am
eduardo knows what’s up.
May 29th, 2006
3:55 am
stop trashing my taste in music you fuckwits. I bet you’re fatter than me. From a girl’s perspective- some of us like good music.
2.We don’t mind if you screw up on a mixtape as long as some of it is sexy-U2 is amusing but it’s not something I’d stick on there myself.
3.Mixes are so so cute.
4.But you have to get outside sometime.
And not be a wanker who only drinks scotch.
May 29th, 2006
5:48 pm
If you really think that girls would like this playlist you shouldnt publish it because the guys that need it (ie guys with crap taste) dont deserve to get laid anyway.
May 30th, 2006
5:05 am
i love the person who said “time out”, i really do.
about the mix… why does everyone take this shit so seriously? the only thing that offends me is the U2, and even that is forgivable.
May 30th, 2006
2:01 pm
Well it was worthy but dont be afraid to take risks. To many rules and you will become ordinary…
As a season vet in mix tapes - when we used tapes it has always been fun.
Though one law I cant get rid of is the ‘three’ law ? Where did that come from. It just seems to flow that way.
I also like Rob from ‘High Fedilities’ theory of crank the first two then wind down. The first song is reallt important. An in joke or funny thing can be cool but I like to strat with something rocking like ‘ Connection ‘ by Elastica. Not very underground but when that bass kicks in it will be hard to find a decent girl not dancing around to this one.
May 30th, 2006
5:02 pm
Vice makes me sick but I can’t stop reading. Fuck Williamsburg.
May 30th, 2006
8:38 pm
When we first started dating, I stayed up all night making a mixtape for my boy (i don’t own a computer and half of it was taped from cassette onto cassette, so it took a long time). It was a fucking perfect balance of smart and fun and hot; Sun Ra leading into Screaming Jay Hawkins followed by (aw fuck) the Sonics…In return he gave me a tape with half of Three Feet High and Rising on side A, and some prefab “Best of the Delta Blues” cd on side B, which wouldn’t have been so bad except that I guess he forgot he borrowed that cd from my roommate. I was prettty dissappointed. But later that night he ate me out for almost an hour. Two years later, we’re still together. The moral of my story? Your shitty mix cd is not what’s going to tip the scales in your favour, boy.
May 30th, 2006
8:47 pm
where’s the baroque??
May 30th, 2006
9:16 pm
Damn. I find it easier to make a girl a mixtape as soon as I’m interested in her and if she loves it and talks to me about the individual songs she like the most then I know she likes me. If not then fuck her and fuck you too. Who’s got time to play it cool? I want to fuck you now! And to make that point clear I put on mostly garage rock and do a little sharpie drawing on the cd itself of me fucking the receiver with a question mark on it.
May 31st, 2006
7:16 pm
EW, hot hot heat? you might as well put crazytown on there.
June 1st, 2006
7:45 pm
I realize that most girls don’t like hardcore, hence “the rule”, but if a boy knew enough to make me a hardcore mix, I think I could love him forever. Or at least not dump him immediately for offending me with his terrible taste.
June 8th, 2006
3:06 pm
Save for the Pete Doherty track, this is the biggest bunch of shit you’ve ever compiled. You’re losing it.
June 16th, 2006
7:53 pm
fuck
June 26th, 2006
3:42 am
fuckitty fuck fuck, fuck
July 26th, 2006
5:03 pm
I would have said this article made me want to be a lesbian–until I read the “they’re right about us” post, and the frightening attempt at humour by…magee blump…was it? Now I’m at a loss.
October 13th, 2006
11:54 pm
Three phrases should be among the most common in our daily usage. They are: Thank you, I am grateful and I appreciate.
October 17th, 2006
5:54 pm
Why would you ask her if she enjoyed the lovemaking? Was she awake? Wheres the fun in that?
November 18th, 2006
3:44 am
Making a mix is that you think girls will like is dangerous because after two fucks you wont know her well enough to really know what she likes. Instead make a mix of your favourite music & explain that to her. You guys seem to think that girls can be neatly catagorised into 6 or so groups according to what they wear. If she likes you she wants to learn about you & from you. It goes both ways, so you could ask her about music & listen to her play you shit & talk & whatever & maybe like some of it. You might rather than staring, grabbing at & commenting on her ass every 5mins & wondering why she thinks you never say anything nice, or going to finger her every time she speaks in the hope she will stop talking & you can fuck, show you actually think she is actually human & might actually know about music that doesn’t totally suck.
Although if you just want to fuck her she probably doesn’t care, but don’t make her a mix- just fuck her hard,long, deep-good. You shouldn’t need one.
January 17th, 2007
9:35 am
You are an idiot. Pretty sure you are a chauvinist pig with shitty taste in everything, including women, if they are going to enjoy a tape like that.
March 6th, 2007
11:37 pm
ewwwwwwwww this music sux
April 5th, 2007
8:46 pm
This is the worst. Black Lips is the only good thing.
July 4th, 2008
12:48 pm
I got here accidentally.. it’s new for me that people make mixtapes for another person :O
I know almost none of the bands on the list, but I still have an opinion.
don’t you know girls are human beings, too? they may be individuals, with an own taste. maybe it’s a surprise for you, but girls aren’t the same.
for me, for example, do matter which melodic death band I’m listening to… ;) (I’m listening to very different styles, but I don’t think my Love will ever know what I like. neither do I, good songs need time to prove they’re for me. and they often need the appropriate mood too)
my English isn’t good, I know, I’m not used to writing on this language yet.