Wild on X
Wildonx.com
Dir: Hank Spain
Rating: 7

What's up with black people being all into Ecstasy lately? Talk about being late to dinner. Has no one heard of a little thing called the internet? Did the entire rap community forget to check their email for the past decade? Ecstasy is so fucking '94 that the only rappers that should be allowed to take it or mention it are the Wack Eyed Peas and Jurassic 5-years-too-long, since they are both caught in a time warp. Speaking of which, the other day I was talking to God, which I do rather frequently, usually when I need something or I want a plague cast on someone, and I asked him why he didn't have someone in Thailand book a J5/W.E.Peas show the same time as the tsunami so we could do a little rap-catalog spring cleaning. He didn't respond. He usually doesn't when I make a valid point. He usually just goes off and broods for a week, repeating shit like, "Fucking Nieratko. He's always one step ahead of me. Why didn't I think of that? God, I'm so stupid. Perfect opportunity to shut both of those shitty groups up once and for all and I missed it. So stupid. Stupid. Stu-PID! Fuck." I keep telling him he should hire me as a consultant but you know how he is. He likes to try and do everything by himself. I tell him, "G-G-G," (That's what I call him. He thinks it's funny.) "Times are changing. The world is getting bigger. You can't be everywhere at once. You need help. Shit, you need a vacation. Let me drive for a while. Go pass out in the backseat." Of course he's all, "No, no, no. I'm cool. I got it." But I know he's not cool. He's just stubborn. My mom is the same way. Insists on doing everything herself. She just had knee replacement surgery, the next day she's on her knees trying to clean the bathtub. It's like, "You're not impressing anybody. We know you know how to clean a tub. Now go lie down." It's annoying. It's not even like I want to be God. I have enough shit in my life to worry about without every Tom, Dick, and Harry calling my name asking me for favors. I said, "Listen, G-G-G. Let's split the duties. You handle all the good shit—miracle babies, cures for diseases, big tits—and I'll be the one that hands out the shit-storms—tsunamis, genocide, retard babies, hot chicks with T. rex arms, overcooked tilapia, dying young, living too long. All that shit. Do you know how much time that will free up for you to play golf? And do you know how much good press you'd get? Everyone would be all on your dick again. It'd be like the Crusades all over again. It's not like it's going to hurt me; everyone already thinks I'm an asshole. They'll just think I'm a bigger asshole. Think about it. Sally from Toledo calls and is all, "Fuck you, God. Why did you have to let my five-year-old boy die of cancer?" And you can be like, "Fuck you, Sally. I didn't do shit. That was Nieratko. If you got a hair up your ass about your little brat that was just going to grow up to be junkie rapist then take it up with Nieratko. Not me. Go ahead. Call Nieratko. You know he won't call you back." Doesn't that sound fricken awesome, G-G-G?" He hasn't answered me yet. I'm not sure if he's ignoring me or thinking it over. Hopefully thinking it over because, man, I'm itching to start killing some motherfuckers.

1 Night in China
Clubredlight.com
Dir: Sean & Johnny Fly
Rating: 2

Do you know what's worse than a chick with a dick? Fucking a chick with a dick. Don't believe me? Watch this homemade porno of that "female" wrestler China. It finally clears up all the questions we had about her sexual orientation. Most of us have looked at her man-hands, man-face and man-neck and said, "That's a fucking man!" We were wrong. China is not a man but she is not all woman either. She is a hermaphrodite. She has a pussy but she also has a two-inch "clit" with a head, wrapped in foreskin. I don't know where you come from or where you went to school but where I'm from we'd call that little thing a dick. One more mystery solved: China has a pussy and a penis. Awesome. The only problem is it was a mystery none of us were trying to solve. I did not need to know this information and I sure as shit did not need to see her genital combo platter. I'm sure her 99-cent-store-version-of-Randy-The-Macho-Man-Savage boyfriend, Sean, thinks he is satisfying a slew of sexual fantasies by selling this tape to Clubredlight.com, but he is sadly mistaken. Just as the writers of The Wizard of Oz blew it by revealing the wizard was just a fat fuck with a bad moustache behind a curtain, so did Sean by dispelling the funny image of the wrestler with tits we had in our heads. Thanks a lot, asshole. Why don't you call my four-year-old nephew and tell him there's no Santa Claus. To add insult to injury, not only does China have a dick but her ass cheeks have acne a million times worse than any high schooler on a steady diet of McDonalds and potato chips. I wouldn't be able to fuck her in the ass like Sean did. I'd be too busy squeezing the puss out of the thousands of zits lining her asshole. Can you imagine? I bet she doesn't spend much money on KY Jelly. Pop a zit, lube it up and it's all green lights. Ewww. So gross. I don't even want to think about it. What I do want to think about is this new trend of B-list and has-been pseudocelebrities feeling compelled to leak out home pornos. Mmmm. Alyssa Milano. I'll show you who's the boss. Oh, Phoebe Cates, let me slo-mo you getting out of that pool again. With two dildos in your ass. Jennifer Grey. Call me when you find your old nose, the only thing that made you a somebody. Then we'll play nobody puts baby in the butt. I mean corner. Who else? The sister from Diff'rent Strokes. Oh, she's dead? Fuck it. Dig her ass up, throw her in bed with Lassie and Nancy Kerrigan, and let's make some all-American bestiality necrophilia porn already. Whatever happened to that girl with the big tits from American Pie? She's done, right? Somebody fucking call her already. You know she's waiting by the phone like, "Will somebody please fuck me? I need some press so they don't forget about me."

CHRIS NIERATKO