Psychiatry is only a 100-year-old science, and we're just starting to understand the brain. People might call me deluded for saying that, but I think things are a little too new. That's why I was misdiagnosed. I've been told that I have bipolar disorder and major depression. Bipolar disorder is the new thing to shove everyone into in psychology. It's like a catchall diagnosis.

Right now I'm on Rispardol, Trilpetal, and Manecdal. One's an antipsychotic, and two of them are mood stabilizers. I guess you could say I've had psychotic episodes or disconnects from reality. To me it feels very normal, until someone tells me it's strange. I've changed my whole perspective lately, from thinking we could prove everything with science to believing that not everything we see, hear, feel, and touch is exactly how we perceive it. I've been into physics for a long time and now I'm grasping onto religion a little bit. I can feel connections that other people aren't feeling, and very much so.

If you open yourself up to the universe, it's amazing what you can come up with. There are symbols and signs all over the place. And we're each very closely connected with each other. I wish I could go through my entire life with every single person on earth so they could see what I've come to realize. I'm not really supposed to talk about this stuff. There are certain things in my life that I know, that I am not supposed to know.

But whatever is happening to me is very true. I think I just know things that other people don't know yet. I've come to accept Christ in my life. That's the way God came to me. I really do believe that if there were a God, he would want to send us a message. I had a dream that I was in the darkness for a long time and I was cowering. There was this faint cross right above me, and I reached out to it and ever since then things have been better.

Things just keep adding up in my life. I am scared to share these things with people though, because I could get hurt for it. Not ridiculed, but hurt. I'm past ridicule—my own mother put me in the hospital. I was telling people, "God is speaking to me. He's showing me symbols everywhere." They considered that delusional.

But it's very real. Look at that poster on the wall. See that sign there? It's infinity. When I open my eyes, the first thing I look at or read makes total sense to what I'm going though. For instance, lately I've been telling everybody, "Safe journey" as a way of saying good-bye, and I look up and see a Nirvana poster and I go, "Oh, that has to do with somebody I met in the hospital." I was looking for her and she works at this place I was at the other day. I try and help her. Then I was talking about how I've been telling everyone, "Safe journey," and everything like that and I open my eyes and there's a little pamphlet on the ground, and it says right on the front: "Safe journey."

I've always had this really strange ability to feel things that other people can't feel. When I went off my medications I began to remember things. I was on the internet, looking up aliens, and one of the webpages was about symbols, like crop circles. It said, "Beware, once you learn about these signs, things are going to start happening to you." Ever since then, I've just been like—things have been coming at me, like symbols all over the place. And it has everything to do with everything I'm thinking right at the moment. It has to do with my dreams, and the Bible, and prophecies.

I found out that I had prayed to a demon and didn't know it. It was because I stole a Wicca book from my friend, so I sinned, and I tried a spell to open my third eye, but I already had the gift to begin with, but it had been taken away from me because I had an inconsistent household.

When I went off my meds, I was able to perceive all these things that I had totally forgotten about in my life.

So they thought I was delusional and they put me in the hospital. But it's very real. That infinity sign over there means a lot to me. I know why God has come to me and showed me these signs. I was very wishy-washy. It says in the Bible that you can't be on the side of good and work for evil, or vice-versa.

On Christmas Eve, both my sister and I saw a rainbow. She was coming into the airport, flying over the lake. And as I was driving to get her, I saw the same rainbow. I started asking people who were around, "Did you see that rainbow? I haven't seen a rainbow in years." And nobody had seen it. Ever since then, I've been seeing rainbows everywhere. My mom washed the lights inside my room and there was a rainbow reflecting on my pad of paper from there. When I was waiting at the gate for my sister there were rainbow stickers. It wasn't like I was looking for them, either. It was like, close my eyes for a second, open them, and there one was.

I found out so much since I looked at that alien website. I used to be a big pothead, and I've totally given that stuff up. It really damages your mind.

But six degrees of separation is very true. There are six billion of us, so it's happening all the time. That's one thing that's been coming up in my life over and over again. We all have a lot of gifts, and we can share them with each other.

I've been kind of scared to go to my house, because according to one of my "delusions," I've been seeing people's sin. Like demons were smiling at me through little kids. Also people of low will, like drunk or stoned, were like demons. It wasn't really just them though, it was pretty much everybody. But the happier they were, the less I was fearing them. People talk about seeing angels all the time, or ghosts—which are true as well—but for some reason God had to show me the demons. It was his way of showing me how I'd been wrong.

I know there are people out there to harm me, people who want to get at me and people I can't trust because of the things I know, and I know that people have been watching me for a long time. But it doesn't matter anymore. I'm over it. I'm with God now.

JULIE STOECKER

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