Pornography exists everywhere, of course, but when it comes into societies in which it's difficult for young men and women to get together and do what young men and women often like doing, it satisfies a more general need…While doing so, it sometimes becomes a kind of standard-bearer for freedom, even civilization.
—Salman Rushdie, "The East Is Blue," 2004

Inside Arab Teens you will get access to brand-new Arab girls straight out of Iraq…ready to show you what goes on when you're not allowed to fuck in public for decades and suddenly you can because Saddam is gone.
—Arab Teens website

Perhaps the most significant cultural fallout of September 11, 2001, was the dawning realization that we can no longer ignore the Muslim world and must somehow find it in our hearts to jerk off to their women.

There is no pooty-tang on earth more sexually repressed than Islamic pooty-tang, and thus there is no pooty-tang that's sexier. Almost everywhere that the Star ‘n' Crescent holds sway, you'll find Muslim vaginas squashed under a hairy Quranic thumb. From Malaysia to Bahrain, the hapless babes of Islam get blamed for any sexual savagery that befalls them. Rape victims are routinely slaughtered by relatives seeking to reclaim the family's dignity through an "honor killing." Under the Taliban, an Afghan woman was once beaten to death by a mob for accidentally exposing part of her arm. Every year, roughly two thousand Bangladeshi ladies accused of "indecency" are permanently disfigured when acid is tossed in their faces. Egyptian gals suffer routine clit-clippings. In Saudi Arabia, you're allowed to kill your bitch merely for talking to another man.

And if you star in a porno in Iran, honey, they'll stone you to death.

Not an angry mob. The government will do it.

To Western reporters such as I, her name remains hidden beneath an invisible metaphoric burqa of secrecy. But in May of 2001, a 35-year-old Iranian woman was ritually washed by guards at Tehran's Evin prison, swaddled in a white shroud, and buried alive up to her armpits. She was then pelted to death with rocks, which, according to the Iranian penal code, "should not be too large so that the person dies on being hit by one or two of them [but not] so small either that they could not be defined as stones.'' Her gruesome demise was the culmination of eight years' imprisonment after being convicted of starring in a 1993 underground hardcore porno video. The film, described as having a grainy, home-movie quality, was thought to be the first specimen of pornographic cinema filmed in the Islamic Republic of Iran since 1979's bloody revolution. Although the filmmakers blacked out the actors' faces, investigators traced a serial number on a water meter filmed in the background. The hot Iranian twat was arrested, found guilty of "corruption on earth," and murdered by rocks carefully selected according to government guidelines. No word on what happened to any of the film's male actors. They were probably among the rock-throwers. Like I said, it sucks being a Muslim woman.

"I didn't want to insult Islam," pleaded Amal Kashua as she recovered in a hospital bed after being violently mobbed by Muslims in her Israeli hometown of Tira. A 38-year-old mother of eight and self-described drug addict, Kashua was the female star of 2002's Yussuf and Fatima, touted by its producers as "the first Israeli-Arab porno." Yussuf and Fatima's video box featured the couple posed erotically in front of a minaret. Kashua's costar and reputed husband, a Palestinian male known only as "Amir," was also beaten in the attack. "The whole town is satisfied and dissatisfied at once," said a Tira resident after the mobbing. "Satisfied at what happened, because we tried to protect our honor, but on the other hand dissatisfied, because she didn't die, nor her husband." Kashua's family posted a death decree against her in the town square. "If I could, I would eat them both raw and spit them out," her brother told Israeli television.

The film's producer remained upbeat. "Since this whole story over Yussuf and Fatima broke out, we have sold hundreds of copies, most of them in the Arab sector," he told a reporter. "We may make another Arabic film. It pays."

Anywhere you have boys and cameras, you will have pornography. Muslim countries are no exception, but the punishments are so over-the-top that very little porn is actually produced there. Most of it oozes in from the Evil Infidel West.

The Holy Quran explicitly condemns nearly all public displays of female flesh. "Al-rijal qawwamun ‘ala al-nisa' bi ma faddala Allahu ba‘duhum ‘ala ba‘din wa bi ma anfaqu min amwalihim."

Oh, wait—duh! You guys speak English! Sorry: "Good women are obedient. They guard their unseen parts because Allah has guarded them."

These "unseen parts" wield a strong erotic undertow among 1) Muslim males who've never seen pictures of an unseen part and 2) Western males who've never seen Muslim unseen parts. Under this cultural exchange, Arabs finally get to see vaginas and non-Arabs finally get to see Arab vaginas. Everybody wins!

The Middle East has the lowest per-capita Internet representation on earth. Even frickin' Africa has a higher percentage of people logging on. Still, a recent study concluded that 80% of all Internet traffic in Arab countries heads straight for the porn sites. And the mullahs are scrambling to stop it.

Responding to allegations that Asian female attendants were rendering sexual favors to clients at private Internet cubicles, Kuwaiti officials recently shut down 50 Internet cafes. Kuwait also recently outlawed Bluetooth software, alleging that men were using it to trade indecent photos on their camera phones.

In Yemen, all computer screens at Internet cafes must be turned so that the public can view them. If you try to access porn from any computer in the United Arab Emirates, a pop-up will announce that the site is on "Emirates Internet Control List" and prohibited from public viewing. All net traffic in Saudi Arabia passes through anti-porn filters at the King Abdul Aziz City for Science and Technology. In 2000, Saudi officials blocked access to all Yahoo clubs, responding to reports that frisky Saudi citizens were using the clubs to swap nude snapshots.

Porn is so antithetical to the Islamic consciousness that Western invaders have repeatedly used it as part of their psy-ops programs. For no other apparent purpose than to outrage Muslims, the CIA reputedly hosts several "Islamic porn" sites depicting alleged Muslim women huffing cock and riding the baloney pony. In 2001, the website for militant Muslim group Hamas was hacked so that surfers were led to "Hot Motel Horny Sex Sluts." In 2002, an Islamic News Network TV program in the scaldingly fundamentalist Iranian province of Hamedan was interrupted with three minutes of hardcore sex. When Israeli troops occupied the West Bank town of Ramallah in 2002, they seized three of the city's four television stations and broadcast nonstop pornography. And after their pillaging of Fallujah in May of 2004, US troops reportedly littered the deeply religious Iraqi city with thousands of hardcore porno pictures.

In the same month, two pro-Muslim websites as well as the venerable Boston Globe were hoaxed with pictures purportedly depicting American soldiers sexually brutalizing anguished Iraqi maidens. In reality, the pictures were from staged pornographic shoots featured on "Iraq Babes," a site hosted in Pennsylvania, and "Sex in War," which originates in Hungary. (Apparently, the faux raping of Muslim chicks has become a cottage online porno industry since the war started.) A Tunisian website mistakenly declared that the photos were part of the Abu Ghraib prison scandal, where, if you'll recall, American soldiers made actual S&M pornography using Muslim prisoners.

Yet I am not one to condemn our fine boys and girls over there doing a good job civilizin' the sand nigras. As Salman Rushdie said, pornography is a sign of civilization. A pox upon those who call us savage imperialists. We have liberated the Evil Bearded Caveman Middle East. We have brought them freedom and pornography, and more importantly, the freedom to view pornography. Triple-X videos are said to be doing brisk business in Baghdad's streets. And in once-prehistoric Afghanistan, satellite dishes are sprouting all over rooftops, tuned in to hot naked action beamed from the wonderful, wonderful West. Phone sex is said to be all the rage in Saudi Arabia, and those crazy Turks have gone bonkers for gay porn.

Lift that burqa, baby. I wanna see what you got under there.

JIM GOAD