Photo courtesy of Chris Sharland.


PlayStation Portable
Producer: Sony
Main Memory: 32MB
Display: 4.3 inch widescreen

When I was a kid, I was the last one to ever play new computer games or even see a computer for that matter. My parents were really poor and spent all their money on gambling and cheap vodka so I was left to my own devices—running the streets, throwing oranges at cars and getting attacked by magpies. Understandably, for this I hate them.

Eventually however, thanks to Uncle Brian, the time came when I got a Commodore 64. Unfortunately Uncle Brian was a fucking dumbass and didn’t get me a tape drive or a disk drive so I was limited to playing cartridge games, of which I only had two, and writing very, very simple programs that made the word “fuck” appear on the screen over and over again. By that stage everyone was into their Amigas anyway and I had well and truly missed the boat, which basically meant more people beating up on me, worse black eyes and longer concussions.

Christmases came and went and never under the tree did I find Donkey Kong or a Nintendo. Not even a Sega. My only encounters with any of these were through sleep-overs at the rich friend’s house or saving up my allowance to rent them from the video store once a year. Even then I was barely allowed to play them as my parents thought it would give me “ideas” and a false hope that one day they’d tell me they loved me and give me a Playstation.

Well I’m all grown up now and I can do anything I want and guess what Mum, for the only time in my life I’m the first and only kid on the block to have something other than ring-worm. I’ve got a PSP.

Now neither you or my broke-ass father can tell me when or where I’m allowed to play video games, watch movies, listen to music or jack off to pornographic photos cuz this little gem is portable. You’ll have to catch me and make sure I’m dead before you can take it off me which is a bitch for you cuz I’m one fit motherfucker after being locked out of the house for all those years.

I’m all over this thing for a number of reasons. It’s an MP3 player and depending on the size of the Remembering Stick you buy, you can hold a couple of hundred songs on it. The same Remembering Stick will probably fit the majority of pics from your Cybershot too which is a bonus if you want to view them on your PSP. The games due to be released will seal the deal with titles like Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories and Gran Turismo 4 sure to convince people of the quality of game play and from what I’ve seen so far it shits all over my Commodore 64.

I tried to play some downloaded porn movies on it but no go, apparently there is a way around this but for now you’ll have to stick with the format that Sony releases. Either way, I now love the PSP and still hate my parents.

PETER PAN