Other than the writers of Pineapple Express, Cheech and Chong and possibly the makers of Dazed and Confused, nobody knows this better than the Kiwis. From everything I’ve witnessed, they like smoking more than O.J. Simpson likes engaging in legally questionable pastimes, and with this in mind, we asked our employee originally from the-land-of-the-long-white-cloud to tell us all about the ins and outs of smoking weed NZ style.

This is Seth Rogan who plays Dale Denton, a pot loving process server who drops around to his dealer’s house to pick up some weed. On this particular occasion his dealer, Saul Silver, has acquired a rare super strain known as Pineapple Express. This is a special three-pronged joint that any New Zealander would be proud of and which is responsible for making these guys particularly high.

AYE - As in: “This New Zealand weed is good az aye bro”.
See also - Arrested and Anal cavity stash.

BONGS - Not the gay wizard bong you bought from Victoria Park Markets in 4th form, but a real slap dash jobbie made from a Sprite Bottle, a piece of your neighbour’s hose, an aluminium cone and some soggy toilet paper. They look rubbish, but work amazing.
See also - Bucket Bongs and Bob Marley’s birthday. 

COKE CANS - The ultimate poor man’s pipe. Go to your local dairy, buy a can, pop out your earring and make 4 to 5 tiny holes in the top third of the can and you’re away. Great if you’re in a rush to meet your girlfriend’s parents and you don’t want to carry around a stinking cone in your pocket all night.
See also - Cones, Clear Eyes and Coromandel.

DAK - This is a uniquely New Zealand-only expression for describing Majuruana. It’s kinda been fazed out over the years, but still comes up in the odd conversation for novelty factor, or is used by under-cover cops when busting someone on Highway Patrol.
See also - Dreads and Doobie.

EMAIL - The easy way out when you’re too high to attend something, too giggly for conversation and / or too paranoid for confrontation.
See also – Electric Wizard. 

FOURTH FORM / FIFTH FORM - or whatever the equivalent is in today’s school system. These two years will tend to be the biggest of your weed-smoking career.  It is all new and exciting and your brain hasn’t developed enough yet to understand true paranoia. (It’s still at ‘funny paranoia’ stage, aaaaaand cue uncontrollable giggling fits).
See also – Food of any description and Films. 

GIGGLING FITS - These are fun as shit, but unfortunately diminish with age, so enjoy them while they last. Not so fun when trying to act straight in movie queues, in class or in front of the woman you baby-sit for.
See also - Grass and Gunja. Grow-your-own.

This is Saul showing Dale his bag of Pineapple Express. After smoking the three-pronged joint and collecting his deal, Dale leaves Saul’s place and is subsequently, (while smoking some of his newly acquired stash in his car outside a “client’s” house) witness to a murder. In his panic he throws his joint out the window but is able to be identified due to the rare nature of the batch.

HACKY SACK - A common sport (and it is a sport by the way) amongst NZ stoners. What better way to kill time than to smoke all day with a bunch of your BFFs, playing hacky sack and eating Pineapple Frujus.
See also – Hash and Hunger. 

IOU - A common colloquialism used by New Zealand weed heads as an expression meaning ‘I’ll pay you back at some non-specific time in the future.’
See also - In-door. 

JOINTS - An obvious one, but always a goodie.  They can be enjoyed at any time of the day or night and tend to be the most social of all methods. Find a secluded beach, sit under a Pohutakawa tree and puff the afternoon away. 

KUPE ST - One of the longest standing Tinnie houses in Auckland during the mid 90s. Let’s just say, they always had good weed and you could score in your school uniform.

LOLLIES - A must have around one hour after smoking. After you’ve hot boxed the car at the end of your street, drive to your local servo (its bloody bright in there under all those lights) and get some. Making a decision can be hard, so don’t go too far one way and overload on chocolate and walk away empty handed on the jubes. Like all things in life, it’s important to find a balance.

MCDONALD’S - This place has super strong magnetic pulling power when you’re high. You always tend to overdo it and order six times the amount you would normally order, which tends to have the effect of putting you off for life. (Until the next time you’re stoned and you can’t get there fast enough)

NÁNDOR TÁNCZOS - This politician has definitely inhaled.
See also – Nuggets. 

OREGANO - A good substitute to sell to naive school kids.
See also - Oil, Outdoor and ‘O is for Owesome weed’. 

PARANOIA - If you experience this emotion when you’re high, give up. The beauty is gone. "Say something….no don't say something.. think of something funny.. …are they noticing I haven’t said anything for ages…. How long has it been since I’ve said something...why do we have tongues… ". Bad, bad news.
See also - Penis Bong, Pipe and Pot (what your parents used to smoke before skunk was around) 

QUALITY PAPERS - There are loads of really shit papers out there that don’t stick and can ruin an otherwise perfect joint. Don’t get all tech and buy strawberry flavoured pink ones from the hemp store in Mt Eden; stick with what you know works and use Zig Zags.

RED EYES - If you smoke weed you are going to get these. Rule one of a heavy smoker; never leave home without Clear Eyes or sunnies. If your Mum is wondering, just tell her you went swimming in a pool that had just been chlorinated.
See also - Roach and Resin.

Pineapple Express is like the best action film you ever saw but better because the main protagonists are stoned the whole time. The fight scenes are crazy and the action is very accurately seen through the clouded and paranoid lens of a stoner. The guy taped up is Red and he is easily one of the highlights of the film.

SPOTS - JES-SUS. Essentially, this involves smoking 'spots' of rolled up bud by picking them up between two red hot knives and inhaling the cloud of THC through a funnel. It feels pretty brutal, which is why everyone can remember their first time (or not, depending on how many you had). It’s by far the most economical way of smoking and without a doubt the technique that gets you the highest. Should only really be practised by the avid smoker and not for the part timer. Never mix with shots. Trust me.
See also - Sessions, Shotties, Stoned and Sun Gassers.

TINNIES - A stock standard expression describing an ‘amount’  (non specific) of weed bought in NZ that is wrapped in tin foil. Generally bought by the younger crowd who want to go 5ths on a $25 wrap.
See also – Toke and Te Puke Thunder.

UNIVERSITY - Another big period in your life where you’ll be smoking lots of weed. Back in the day, the NORML party used to hold “Spots in the Quad” on the first Friday of every month. As they are the party that are ‘pro legalisation’, they used to have some pretty psycho weed that would put you on your arse for the rest of the day. No more lectures for the day then? Only one option, drink it off.
See also - Unicorns. 

VEGAN - Lots of hippie stoner types in New Zealand turn Vegan. They generally have some sort of t-shirt-turned-head-band-thingo to tie back smelly dreads and only wear Thai pants and Birkenstocks. Most commonly found behind coffee machines on Ponsonby Road.

The final chapter of the movie takes place at the Pineapple Express grow house, which is manned by a gnarly Asian drug gang. It’s a truly epic ending, which we’re not going to ruin for you by giving away any more information.

“WALKS” - You’ll be doing a lot of these when you’re a weed smoker. “Hey Mum, I’m just going outside for a ‘walk’.” Translation: “Hey Mum, I just went thirds with some mates on a tinnie and we’re going down the road to smoke it and roll around in fits of laughter for an hour or so.”
See also – Weed. 

X - When you’re drawing a smiley face on your friend’s Mac Pac in Twink, its important to use two “Xs” for the eyes. That way people know you’re a stoner. Either that, or a Nirvana fan, or quite possibly both.

YODA - A clichéd stoner conversation that will definitely come up at some stage throughout your weed smoking years. It generally starts out by seeing some old guy crossing the road who looks a bit like Yoda, which develops into a whole pointless rant about sci-fi, which gives way to the ‘big bang’ theory and then morphs into the whole ‘why we are really here maaaaan?’ spiel.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ’S - A stoner’s favourite pastime. A day of heavy weed smoking, eating junk food and lounging around all day can be surprisingly exhausting. So right after your mid afternoon bong session, curl up somewhere in the sun to catch a few of these guys and you’ll be ready to do it all over again come nightfall.
See also - Zonked and Zig Zags.