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  The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face. Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, “although I am about to rock your insides with 3 000 lbs. of explosives, here’s a little intimate treat session to show you how I really feel.” Instead of screaming “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ooohmygodohmygod-ohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (that’s French for “eat,” you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or one of those Flake adverts. Break it down! BE DOWN Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven. DON’T SAY HI TO DRY A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping. Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers. Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws. Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire. SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on vacation. Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood. Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run. When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual cunt. By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days. Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all knows that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin’ crawdaddies. Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off. PARTING THE RED SEAS Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what cavities are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PIL album That What is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet. THE GRAND ENTRANCE Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these “St. Bernard licks” before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re probably in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue-tendinitis. ROCK THE BOAT Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss. After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the pee hole the seeing to of its life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of ear lobes. When you push down on the area he’s the only one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later. Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat. IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away. Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it ease and “Oh my God” means bring it on. CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he’s on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s not going to tell you shit because he’s a clit and he has no idea what you’re talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking. As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics. Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale. Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multi-orgasmic you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off. CLITS THAT DON’T Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around. THE CONCLUSION Once you’re done (totally finished) she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15. GAVIN MCINNES |
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Comments:
digital slr lenses, on May 14 2013 12:55:14 PM wrote: S64Zdz Thank you ever so for you blog.Really thank you! Really Cool. 
Danlaa, on Apr 29 2013 03:48:31 PM wrote: Funniest thing I've ever read, definitely going to give this a thorough try! but I can't help but worry, alongside remembering your sparkling words of wisdom I don't remember your remarkable wordplay, making me blow raspberries in fits of laughter mid "hi-yi-yi-ya"
baba, on Apr 28 2013 11:58:08 AM wrote: My wife is eating her sisters cunt wile i fuking her in the ass
Widoe, on Apr 27 2013 09:58:50 PM wrote: Entertaining nd informative
Anosh, on Apr 24 2013 12:51:44 PM wrote: at first i was shy of going down once i got the hang of it is good i dont mind of give a little you geting a liittle is fun for both
Ruby Duarte, on Apr 22 2013 07:37:13 PM wrote: Great article! Awesome , hade captivated and lmao!
RIPPER, on Apr 15 2013 03:04:10 PM wrote: ITS NOTHING THAT TURNS ME ON MORE THAN HEARING MY WIFE MOANING AND SCREAMING AS I SLOWLY LICK AND KISS HER PUSSY AND WHEN SHE CUMMMS SHE IS SO SATIFIED UNTIL THE NEXT TIME I EAT IT
kozhi, on Apr 12 2013 11:39:00 AM wrote: licking is a very interesting job. The smell of the pussy is just like a inhaler.
Sheena, on Apr 11 2013 06:05:10 PM wrote: My huby does it realy well. I m in wonderland when he eats my pussy. I just love it
calvin, on Apr 09 2013 01:09:56 PM wrote: Love to go down on my woman. To hear her monaning and screaming omg is such a turn~on. Listen to your woman and watch her non~verbal activity. You eat pussy well, your woman will adore you. Eat~up!!!!!!
lickit, on Mar 30 2013 10:09:39 AM wrote: my wife loves to lick my face off after i eat her! what a turn on!!
Lori Stewart, on Mar 25 2013 02:35:58 AM wrote: Fuck separation of church and state. I want separation of synagogue and state! I hear all this talk of queers "having children." Question: How do homos procreate?? Lori Stewart ljstewart@gmail.com
pussylicker, on Mar 18 2013 12:52:04 AM wrote: I eat pussy for at least 20 minutes before entering. Of course, I begin by inhaling the musk fragrance before putting my tongue around the labyrinth covered by the lips. Many a time I make her come before I penetrate. women who haven't been eaten are deprived of one of the greatest pleasures of life.
Kingpussylicker, on Mar 16 2013 08:27:49 PM wrote: If you aren't biting her clit and her lips, you aren't doing it right, Slick. Gently bite her lips somewhere just below the bottom of the clit and lightly pull. Alternate this with sucking and kissing the same area. Bite just a few hairs with your front teeth and gently pull while breathing directly over her skin. But the big one: suck her clit into your mouth, use your front teeth to lightly bite her clit. This will cause the hood to roll back and expose the very sensitive area beneath. Hold that position while flicking/caressing the underside of the hood. You're welcome.
BretTheGreat, on Feb 12 2013 03:00:38 PM wrote: Eating Pussy is an art, If you dont enjoy eating Pussy, then you suck at it. A woman that dont like suckin cock, cant blow either can she? I Love the Taste and the aroma of a good clean pussy, And when I am going down on a woman, I am trying to please her as much as I am trying to please myself. I go to extremes to get the flow of her juices in my mouth and hear her moan and scream while she gushes her sweet nectar all over my face while I rub my nose between her lips and shove my tongue and chin up her hot snatch ! any gals out there wanna sit on my face???
The Rock , on Feb 04 2013 09:32:16 AM wrote: Can you smelllllllllllllllllllllll that pussy stickin'!
pussy eater, on Jan 26 2013 07:12:25 AM wrote: Say what, is obviously gay,and Stiff6, is a mental case. But me I love to eat pussy and Not meat
Saba Aamir, on Jan 22 2013 05:11:25 PM wrote: My husband vever easts my pussy. Can I seek advice on how to get him to insert his tongue in my pussy and roll it hard
didi, on Aug 01 2012 07:20:21 PM wrote: My man does just like dat u could swear he's been readin thid guide and it feels so fucking good
Kif, on Jul 30 2012 07:56:03 PM wrote: Celina I want to eat your beautiful pussy. My girls love it when I suck there clits
Jameriqui, on Jul 30 2012 12:03:02 PM wrote: Eating pussy for duh first time tonight.
celina, on Jul 30 2012 06:05:16 AM wrote: i want to get my pussy eaten
albert, on Jul 29 2012 01:57:40 AM wrote: I will be eating pussy for my first time in a couple of days. I am 58 years of age and she is 24. I hope that I don't disappoint her
Sex Freakk, on Jul 29 2012 12:51:10 AM wrote: Who Wants To Fuck ?(; I Want To Get My Pussy Eaten Like There's No Tomorrow (; I Really Prefer Girls To Eat My Wet ,Ready Clit (;
righteous, on Jul 28 2012 02:49:08 PM wrote: I am the best I make all pussy squirt I love doing it I love makin them have multiple orgasms...
YungJ, on Jul 27 2012 05:28:53 AM wrote: Damm that makes me wanna fuk a pussy so good wit my tongue (;
don, on Jul 26 2012 03:59:25 PM wrote: just beat-off after reading this - can't wait to get home to the wife tonight - the seafood buffet better be open (the cold fish)
food for thought, on Jul 26 2012 02:00:27 PM wrote: as a woman who loves getting head- should a play by play turn me on? funny, i want to throw up.
DontWorryAboutIt, on Jul 26 2012 03:14:36 AM wrote: CAN I GETTA AMEN. *applause*
G4V1NR00L$, on Jul 26 2012 03:04:48 AM wrote: Man, vice was better in the days.
sherri, on Jul 25 2012 07:37:41 AM wrote: I like the clit to be teased...if I feel the guy is beating the shit out of it, I feel pressured. A few ocaisional flicks and anice short suck and wiggle on the clit after I start humping your face brings a really intense orgasm. Can beat the shit out of it after that for the multiple.
Say what, on Jul 25 2012 02:37:06 AM wrote: Who the fuck are you stupid people?
Stiff6, on Jul 25 2012 01:06:23 AM wrote: LMFAO MY NI66A UZA FUNNY MUFUCCA CUZZ IM CRIPPIN Cs UP N C TWN LIK SNOOPY D O G G I KEEP MY 6LUE FLAG HANGING ON MY 6ACCSIDE ONLY ON MY LEFT SIDE YEAH DAS THA CRIP SIDE
Stiff6, on Jul 25 2012 01:06:16 AM wrote: LMFAO MY NI66A UZA FUNNY MUFUCCA CUZZ IM CRIPPIN Cs UP N C TWN LIK SNOOPY D O G G I KEEP MY 6LUE FLAG HANGING ON MY 6ACCSIDE ONLY ON MY LEFT SIDE YEAH DAS THA CRIP SIDE
lyric, on Jul 24 2012 10:56:24 AM wrote: i really loved it |
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