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  The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face. Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, “although I am about to rock your insides with 3 000 lbs. of explosives, here’s a little intimate treat session to show you how I really feel.” Instead of screaming “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ooohmygodohmygod-ohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (that’s French for “eat,” you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or one of those Flake adverts. Break it down! BE DOWN Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven. DON’T SAY HI TO DRY A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping. Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers. Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws. Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire. SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on vacation. Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood. Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run. When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual cunt. By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days. Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all knows that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin’ crawdaddies. Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off. PARTING THE RED SEAS Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what cavities are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PIL album That What is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet. THE GRAND ENTRANCE Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these “St. Bernard licks” before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re probably in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue-tendinitis. ROCK THE BOAT Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss. After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the pee hole the seeing to of its life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of ear lobes. When you push down on the area he’s the only one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later. Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat. IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away. Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it ease and “Oh my God” means bring it on. CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he’s on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s not going to tell you shit because he’s a clit and he has no idea what you’re talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking. As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics. Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale. Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multi-orgasmic you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off. CLITS THAT DON’T Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around. THE CONCLUSION Once you’re done (totally finished) she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15. GAVIN MCINNES |
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Comments:
Kim, on Feb 05 2012 04:57:14 PM wrote: Cant wait 2have my gal with me! Will sure 'eat' her soo good... 
Pucycraver, on Feb 03 2012 04:19:28 AM wrote: Hw do i get her to wnt cunnilingus,iv tried goin dwn bt each time she puls me up,
Krystal, on Feb 01 2012 08:13:42 AM wrote: Also another little tip guys, i find that when a guy puts 1 finger in my arse it makes me cum twice as fast and makes it feel extra good, not sure y but god its awesome lol, makes me want it now just talkin bout it lol
x559xPurpleKush, on Feb 01 2012 04:30:22 AM wrote: I like 2 smoke weed 420
S., on Feb 01 2012 12:23:30 AM wrote: I totally agree with P. As a girl I love being fingered as a guy licks me out.. I like it rough and hard but the action on my clit soft and nice. When guys get it right I reward them ; )
Desperation, on Jan 31 2012 12:12:57 PM wrote: I'd kill to have my boyfriend volunteer to go down! It's been almost 2 yrs and Ivan count on one hand the number of times he's tried. Men, take this article to heart, and you will have VERY thankful women in your love life!
iceman, on Jan 29 2012 09:35:36 AM wrote: lick her clit till she squirts over & over again but do it slowly
Romancing Male, on Jan 28 2012 11:00:06 AM wrote: Hey there, Thanks for the article and tips. I'll try this as soon as my girl comes to my town! I SOOO want to see her squirt! I'll drive her nuts and want to feel her to shake like a vibrator! I hope you feel good about yourself since you're helping women all around the world orgasm : ) Thanks again, Greetings from Turkey
da-man, on Jan 27 2012 02:53:43 PM wrote: i think i'll use these tips on my girl tonight.
pussy eater, on Jan 27 2012 11:23:13 AM wrote: Sucking pussy is an art all women deserve to be tongue correctly to be satisfied as much us men like a good blow job
pussy pirate, on Jan 27 2012 07:27:48 AM wrote: while reading this i realized i am the king of the clit. hey lesbian i can eat pussy like a maniac. my girl thrusts and raises her hips way high when shes coming. when she does thati keep my mouth on the clit and my tounge is still waggin like a dog. she has to push me away for me to stop cause its so sensitive for her. ive never failed once. whats wrong with the chinese kid in the photo????
cunnilingus master, on Jan 27 2012 03:33:01 AM wrote: im a guy and i ate better than 3 lesbians so far im a beast because i started at 9 on a 14 yr old girl who was at my sisters sleepover
Di Genius, on Jan 25 2012 10:56:25 AM wrote: For my first time I learnt a lot especially d part wit u alphabet I like.
reese b, on Jan 24 2012 03:43:31 PM wrote: this article was correct i ate my girl for the first time last night and now shes dying for more i think im going to pull out a few new tricks tonight
j.boggie, on Jan 24 2012 04:43:03 AM wrote: She squirted everywhere ....this article helped me on a few pointers
brad, on Jan 22 2012 07:04:01 PM wrote: Antwon is such a niger name.
Tired, on Jan 22 2012 06:02:33 PM wrote: I'm a lesbian trapped in a mans body. Who knew?
lesbian, on Jan 22 2012 02:44:31 PM wrote: Im a lesbian and i eat better pussy than all of you. NO DOUBT. Take it from me guys. Youll never be better than a lesbian
pablo, on Jan 21 2012 05:24:44 PM wrote: i love eating my wifes pussy and when she cums its on
jay -female, on Jan 20 2012 09:29:47 PM wrote: listen i eat pussy... im bi ..nd i agree, if the girl doesnt cum all over ur face, if she aint jumpin and screaming and shaking,...u suck and need some serious schooling..
Alexander, on Jan 20 2012 05:06:41 PM wrote: antwon your probably a 13 year old who just looks at porn cant even say fuck you write funk. and all black people stop sayin nigga fucking retard
Vic , on Jan 19 2012 01:21:35 PM wrote: I love eating it just for the reactions she makes. I seem to have success with doing "figure 8's" after I'm doing it for a while and she's hot. i stick two fingers inside her not too deep Just almost at the entry and flick them like I'm asking someone to come here with two fingers. right when she's gonna cum lick the clit with a flat tongue like an ice cream cone.
Not Antwon, on Jan 17 2012 03:34:35 AM wrote: And Otha stuff too
P., on Jan 16 2012 04:37:44 AM wrote: As a girl, this is 100% correct. Worth mentioning: some chicks like being fingered as you're licking.
Bon, on Jan 16 2012 02:04:16 AM wrote: Trying this tomorrow with my jewtalian babe (;
G, on Jan 15 2012 02:10:55 PM wrote: I lol'd bruh.
16, on Jan 14 2012 07:50:24 PM wrote: I'm gonna try this on my woman. wish me fuck!- i mean luck, or... well actually fuck.
Female (:, on Jan 14 2012 02:23:01 AM wrote: This made me laugh hella hard though i loved this article :D
Female (:, on Jan 14 2012 02:22:30 AM wrote: If she didn't squirt all over your face, you can't eat pussy right. If she didn't jump a foot off the bed and tell you to quit cause she can't take it anymore, you can't eat pussy right.
Antwon Dawkins, on Jan 14 2012 01:57:30 AM wrote: This Message is for niggas who cant eat pussy rite i can get any girl and ill funk eat her pussy and otha stuff too |
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