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| If you find yourself living in squat conditions and your house smells so bad you have to watch TV with breathing apparatus, it might be time to put down the bong and pass the Hoover around. |
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| Most people pay close attention to the DJ booth. To take full advantage of this, drape yourself across the front of the decks and wait for guys to form an orderly queue to come and speak to you as you turn them down one by one. |
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Paying an exchange student a few pence a week to constantly stay by your side and check for things like blackheads and unsightly nose hairs will ensure you’re always the belle of the ball. |
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| If you’re going to get tats at uni don’t get small stuff on your inner forearm – get big fuck-off massive colourful ones like these on your neck. It’s a simple trade – no real jobs forever in exchange for getting girls for ten years. |
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| Back in the 90s, student accommodation used to be cramped and unsightly but these days government measures are in place to makes sure that never ever happens. |
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Wearing "kooky" fancy dress every night at Freshers' Week will lead to almost total social rejection and a beefy Italian boyfriend who beats you when he finds a cigarette burn in his pleated Chinos. |
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| Going crazy and not giving a shit in your student years is one thing, but posing for pictures with an unconscious rape victim you found lying on a rubbish dump is not cool and could land you in a whole heap of trouble. |
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| If you need 3D shades to brighten up the tediousness of looking at the same 30 people in the student union every night then it's time to find somewhere else to go, buddy. |
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Students who go to their first “gig” at “uni” should always sit on the floor in a little circle, thereby creating a “fucking annoying” sense of “gig community” that annoys the people who are too old to still be going to “gigs” at “uni”. |
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| People who dress down, have sensible haircuts and have a mixed race gang of buddies always have the air of looking like they’re in a really famous band or something. |
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| The Peaches Geldof finger pose has transcended whatever the fuck it used to mean since it was adopted by every hipster blogger in the world. Now it says, "I'm a fucking retard who can't think for myself. PS. Can I get on dirtydirtydancing.com?" |
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Walking around with a T-shirt slogan easily confused with a Sum 41 song on your back is a bit like having your flies open all night: you will be surrounded by part-time punks and you’ll have no idea why. |
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