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| Here’s to all the mums who text hubby: “defo bring the skinz back from tent coz need a smoke big timez” as their children lie in sewage while creepy strangers take photos of them. Cheers! You are “simply the best”. |
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| You know festivals are too commercial when you find yourself staring at the fruitcake on the right and wishing there were more people like him, rather than Dave from marketing on the left (who represents 90 per cent of attendees.) |
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Here’s another example of what I mean. You thought Cupid was there to mellow out your bad trip but then you see the logo on his arm and realise he’s only there to sell you a membership to a fucking online dating service. |
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| Why are girls who get hired to make the dance tent less ugly always doing that “come into my world” dance? Is having the dad of your kid being a drug dealer who cheats on you mercilessly and beats you up every Wednesday really a “world” anybody else needs to inhabit? |
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Actually, I bet if you asked Erect Penis Man here then he’d move there in a second just so he could sniff her tights after she’d finished her shift at the 14-hour trance-a-thon. |
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| After getting written out of Peep Show for being too clichéd, Ms Incense became a massage therapist who cures back pain by patronising the shit out of people about “whole foods” and “creating dialogue about inner healing through holistic masturbation”. |
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If she stings me will she die about a minute later? Sting me, bitch! Sting me! |
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| After three days of eating tiny bits of sour-tasting white stuff, having to sleep in the toilets and missing your ride back home, a semi-warm toad-in-the-hole filled with a trucker’s breakfast seems like chilled caviar and warm blinis in the presidential suite of an elite Swiss skiing chalet. |
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Drug dealers beware. Undercover cops are everywhere at festivals and their disguises are becoming increasingly sophisticated. |
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| MDMA can warp your judgement. Sometimes the ass you think belongs to somebody like her... |
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...belongs to somebody like this instead. |
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| A lot of people are excited about Dinosaur Jr playing festivals again but I’m not really feeling it. |
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| The mud at festivals is especially good for your skin because of all the different kinds of drugs that are in it. |
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Cut this out, keep it with you and bring it out whenever you’re bad tripping. Concentrate on the good vibes that this little scamp is radiating and all will be okay. |
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