This guy’s so old he can remember a time before music got interesting. Those kids are so young, they’ll probably never know music ever was interesting. And on that note, here are some misanthropic reviews.

50 CENT
Baby By Me feat. Ne-Yo
Polydor
Having recently penned his third novel, released a men’s perfume (which doesn’t actually smell too bad), and his own brand of vitamin water, 50 Cent has taken the concept of selling out to the next level. My 15-year-old Blackalicious-loving self is disgusted, but no part of me is surprised. He really should concentrate on his rap career though, ’cos he’s really struggling to keep up with Ne-Yo on this track, who isn’t even half as famous.
6
MEGGY SUE

SEAL
I Am Your Man
Warner Bros.
Seal is the male version of Gabrielle. He had “Kiss From a Rose”, she had “Dreams”, and neither have done anything since. Yet they both still seem to garner some degree of respect from the general public, or at least people who make compilation CDs called things like Moments In Time, or Classic Love. This song isn’t good enough to make it onto one of those CDs, or even become the lead single of a completely unrelated movie that bears no link whatsoever to the song, so you know it’s really shit.
1
SHARON SHAKESPEARE

MARIACHI EL BRONX
Litigation
Wichita
When I heard this on the radio the other day I thought it was some poor Beirut imitator. Now I find out it’s actually much better than that.
6
STANK TURNER

CHRIS BROWN
I Can Transform Ya feat. Lil Wayne & Swizz Beatz
Sony Music
This sweetheart sure does have a lovely voice.
6
SPANKY DIVA

WE WERE PROMISED JETPACKS
It’s Thunder and It’s Lightning
Fat Cat
You can file this in the rubbish emotional Scottish indie-rock section of your record collection alongside Frightened Rabbit and early Biffy Clyro. Or you could just burn it.
1
HELL AMITRI

SNOOP DOGG
Gangsta Luv feat. The-Dream
Doggystyle/EMI
About six years ago I asked the guy in the local newsagents if he had any under-the-counter porn for sale. He said not really, but he did have something in the video player downstairs he could sell me for a tenner. I said OK, and took it home. The VHS was halfway through being played, so I rewound it and it turned out to be Snoop Dogg’s porno. It was pretty vile, with him rapping away about weed while girls literally threw greased dildos up each other’s fannies and watched them fly out, with other naked girls washing cars in the background. It was so surreal I couldn’t even get a boner to it, let alone bring myself off. This song is the floppy-phallused aural equivalent of that porn vid. (By the way, Snoop, it’s 2009 and you’re using that Scarface cover to sell a single. The world is over.)
0
CALVIN SHMALVIN

Fionn Regan
Protection Racket
Heavenly
I really don’t know much about indie music, but ignoring the fact that the guy’s name sounds like a hybrid car, this seems like a pretty decent stab at The Coral meets The Strokes meets I Am Kloot.
6
IVOR IGNORANT

TAIO CRUZ
No Other One
Rokstarr/Island
Balkan club anthem of 2009, I will wager. I think it’s great that British artists have managed to refine the worst aspects of American R&B and Eurodance and marry them into a new commercially viable genre. That’s great British grit for you.
1
SERGEI SERIOUS

BASSHUNTER
I Promised Myself
Extensive/Warner
From the cover (which looks like a Durex advert) to the song, which, ironically, is probably the soundtrack to many an unsafe sex session, this is woeful. Worst music I have ever heard in fact.
-10
BASSCUNTER

TIMBALAND
Morning After Dark feat. Nelly Furtado & SoShy
Interscope
This is so so bad – almost as bad as Basshunter. Almost.
0
GRIMBADLANDS

KE$HA
Tik Tok
RCA
While it’s encouraging that this much-hyped, soon to be superstar’s MySpace lists the Raincoats, E.S.G., the Vaselines, the Unicorns, Minor Threat and Sonic Youth as some of her influences, this still sounds like a Lady GaGa track with Uffie doing the guest rapper part. That really is not a good thing.
3
WURSTON MOORE