Another week, another visit to the Vice Singles Club, and boy do we have some classics for you this week.

SAINT ETIENNE
Only Love Can Break Your Heart (FBB)
Heavenly

Aaah, the remix. How I hate you so. Somebody please alert me to a remix that betters the original. Also, while you’re at it, what is love? I am not joking. I thought I knew as a teenager, but I thought I knew it all then. Now I know less than I did then about love. Haddaway was right. And he didn’t need a remix to get his message across. PR girls love this after a few spritzers on a Friday in Revolution. I know this because I used to be one. Still, Saint Etienne boast the hottest boss-eyed girl ever? And I guess this is a classic, so…
7
GLORIA MOLESTER-FAN

PHANTOM LIMB
Draw the Line
Naim

Hmmm, this is bearable, I suppose. But then so are the wasps that have been infesting my bathroom of late. I wait till they’re on the last legs, buzzing around the floor, and throw them out the window. I guess they either rejuvenate in the great outdoors or die where they land. Sometimes I cover them up with a cup or glass or something and forget about them and when I see the upturned receptacle I remember my winged captives, but alas, it is too late, they are already dead. Asphyxiated. This I can just turn off luckily. No cup is big enough to fit over my laptop.
4
VERRY M. BARRISON

CHIPMUNK
Oopsy Daisy
Columbia

When did grime dudes think it was OK to not talk about shanking people and stuff? When did it start being cool to talk about your bird. Fuck off. This reminds me of Jimmy Eat World. (BTW, Chipmunk, stop making that C gang sign. Americans will think you are trying to pretend you are a Crip and laugh hysterically at you.)
2
BARON VON TRILLIAM

N.A.S.A.
Whachadoin? feat. M.I.A., Spank Rock, Santogold & Nick Zinner
Spectrophonic Sound

This song has a horse, 12 ringtones, a load of pineapples, neon, some dude on acid directing the video, and sounds like about 15 songs all being played at the same time. It’s so URBANNNN, MANNN!
5
TRILLIAM WILL

DEVENDRA BANHART
Baby
Warner

I thought that the whole point of this shaggy-haired hippy was that he was meant to be leading the children of light towards the garden of sunbeams and endless radiance by the sheer power of freaky folking-out without restraint or order by society, man. So why the fuck is the new record coming out on Warner Brothers? Aren’t they the third biggest corporate entity on the planet or something?
4
JAMMY HAGGINS

THE MACCABEES
One Hand Holding
Fiction/Polydor

This is indie pop. I don’t really know what else to say except I don’t like indie pop. Maybe listen to it for yourself. Although, I am supposed to be enticing you to go out and buy this wondrous piece of music. But today I cannot help you out. What else do you want me to do? Get your beans out of the can and heat them up for you whilst you sit there staring at the screen? You lazy bastards.
3
ADOLF STIFLER

WHITNEY HOUSTON
Million Dollar Bill
Arista

Well, well, well, well, well. Whitney is back, back, back! BACK! B-A-C-K, bitches. And I still would too. I guess she is a modernday Tina Turner of sorts – bad husband, er, that’s all. Oh, she’s black and sings too. Anyways, getting excited about this is like getting excited about a new Prince record or something – it can only lead to disappointment. Unless you like MOR soul/r&b/whatever this is. I am beginning to think that after, say, your first three albums (maybe 5), you have to donate all your cash to a crisis fund and then you are killed live on MTV to prevent discrediting your earlier work. Saying all this, Whitney is a good role model for fucked up junkies, basically saying, “It’s never too late to turn it around.” Or she is a good role model for kids to do drugs because, even after a long spell with drug addiction, she has turned it all around and is back to her eloquent self again. Which to me says, “It’s okay do smoke crack, look at Whitney, she’s fine now.” Is anyone still reading this turgid nonsense I’m writing?
6
CHARLIE CRACK

KID HARPOON
Back From Beyond
Young Turks

I just think it’s bad music and I hate the video.
6
JIMMY SCUMMERVILLE

KILLA KELA
Everyday
100-Percent

Killa Kela’s MySpace page’s most recent comment says, “Absolutely sick beatbox on Soccer AM earlier, man!” Which tells you everything you need to know about this tripe.
1
NIHIL CRACKSON

SWEETHEAD
The Great Disruptors EP
Strange Addiction

I bet this band are fucking massive on Spotify. The name of the band may come from the singer – who is actually a 9 (maybe). She has a fucking sweet head indeed. Bet she has sweet bewbs too, dewd. Radical!
5
RONNIE JOCKERS

PINT SHOT RIOT
Come Back To Me & Not Thinking Straight
Life in the Big City Records

This band suck so much that they think it’s okay to release two singles on the same day. And your name is shit. What, you drink a pint, then a shot and it’s riot time? Really? The closest you’ve been to a riot lads is when you camped out all night for the Topshop Christmas sales and someone jumped the queue.
1
PIG SHIT RIMJAW

KINGS OF CONVENIENCE
Boat Behind
EMI

Whoa. I am old and still don’t like this old-man-dying-in-his-sleep-style music yet. Will I ever succumb to the coffee table sounds of bands like this? I hope not. Its like Belle & Sebastian without a chick (one of them is a chick, right?) I am sorry, but this is literally too nice and inoffensive for me to pan so I am giving it 10. Fuck it, it’s Monday.
10
SENREKIV GRAV

SHINEDOWN
If You Only Knew
Atlantic

This epitomises what I call “American Pie music”. What a classic movie that was. And what about Stifler? What a guy! The type of jock everyone wants to kick back and sip a “brewski” with and talk about how many girls you’ve fingerbanged since “high school”. And what about this mum? Phwoar. I bet she bangs like a “shithoose door in the wind”, as Viz once put it. Aaah, my memory. Still serving me well. I think they should really be calling this single “If You Only Knew One of the Guys in This Band is White and Has Dreads You’d Probably be Buying Something Else”. It is politically correct after all.
0
SEAN SCOTT WILLIAM PENN OR SOMETHING

EMPIRE OF THE SUN
Walking On A Dream
Virgin

Him out of the Sleepy Jackson abandons anti-folk, gets an MGMT-meets-Adam Ant makeover and pukes out some rancidly MOR AOR version of “Electric Feel”. PS. Bob Foster has soft hands.
FOB BOSTER

2

FEVER RAY
Seven
Rabid

“We talk about love/we talk about dishwasher tablets”. The chick from the Knife still makes little to no sense, but if you are still in thrall to the Swede’s glacial electro pop that she peddles with her brother during her day job, then this single won’t disappoint.
7
SVEN SVENSSON

THE SATURDAYS
Forever is Over
Polydor

Well, when I saw the list of bands and I came across the Saturdays, I was relishing the opportunity to take a few indie nerds from up north down a peg or seven. How wrong I was. The Saturdays are in fact another Benetton advert singing about nothing. Nothing they understand or believe in, anyway, that’s for fucking sure. “Forever is Over”? It sounds like a fucking Bond movie.
-9
JOHNNY CUM-LAMELY