Look at his 80s face. Look at it. He loves Megan Fox even though she looks hella scary and a bit like a dude and shit. He even looks like Kevin Smith a bit. Anyways, fingers crossed Lil’ David there will make it back from his romantic trip to the States for next week’s meeting of Vice Singles Club. Fortunately for you, though, you’re in town for this week’s event. And, as always, we have a meadow of musical corn for you to feast upon.

ARMAND HELDEN & A-TRAK PRESENT DUCK SAUCE
Anyway
Data Records
Does Armand Van Helden still look like Ali G? Not exactly. These days he looks like an Asian rudeboy who’s been on a spending spree on Ed Banger merchandise. That’s probably the influence of A-Trak, who realised about five years ago that if he gave up being a turntablist geek and instead DJed at parties full of douchebags in LA wearing bright colours he might get laid for once. This song sounds exactly like the kind of crap that douchebags in LA think is “the jam”. If you like it you probably also wear white vests and “work out” so your opinion doesn’t count.
2
JACQUES OUEF

JEM
I Want You To…
Dramatico/ATO Records
… remember you?  Sorry pet, you can’t just disappear from the public consciousness for seven years and expect folk to still be interested in your unique brand of OC-inspired, easy listening lounge music. It was boring then and still is now. And while we’re at it, what happened to Dido? In fact, I don’t care, forget I said anything. God, maybe she’s dead.
1
FRAN SISQO

JOE GODDARD
Apple Bobbing
Greco-Roman
Joe Goddard is the big hairy guy from Hot Chip. He should probably make that more obvious in his name. It would save people in music shops and music journalists from saying so, and then going on to say that his music is “a good stop-gap for Hot Chip fans before their album is released next year” and worth listening to above all the other electronic bleeps and thumps that people happen to be making at the moment. You should probably listen to it so you can sound informed the next time your friends have the “Hot Chip: great band, or band who make albums you can’t listen to the whole way through and are boring live?” debate.
6
MASONIC HAIGHT

BUBBLE G
Get Ready
LMJ Records
I am all for Bubble G and their new wave of 6.5-out-of-10 pop stars. I can actually imagine buying one of them a pint of Strongbow and ending up at their house for some awkward, elbow-heavy sex. Who’s winning now, Pixie Lott, you unrealistically beautiful shithead?
10
RUSSEL LONELY

ASH
Joy Kicks Darkness
Atomic Heart Records
Wow, they really are going to release a single every fortnight for a year. Let’s hope they get progressively better too.
3
BOY FROM EARTH

SCOOTER
J’Adore Hardcore
Sheffield Tunes
This post-modern masterpiece of rabble-rousing hedonism is everything that Enter Shikari should dream of being, but will never manage. It somehow rips off “Dup Dup” by Mickie Krause, Planet Funk’s “Chase the Sun” AND The Pitcher’s “I Just Can’t Stop” and transforms them into a stone-cold euro-rave classic. I shit you not: Scooter are the sound of genius.
10
HANS-PETER GOODIES

GRAMMATICS
Double Negative
Dance to the Radio
Self-indulgent post-pop pretension that’s nowhere near as complicated as it thinks it is.
2
BRIEF RICHARDS

THE DEAD WEATHER
I Cut Like a Buffalo
Third Man Records
Jack White returns this time with another bunch of people playing the other instruments. I’m hoping maybe if I practice enough I can be in his next band. I’m not sure what this music is, it sounds like cabaret to me. I went to see the White Stripes once and after about three tracks Meg emerged from behind the drums to sing a song and she had the biggest camel hoof/hungry pussy I have ever seen – much to the amusement of everybody in the Hammersmith Odeon.
4
WELL DONE MEG

DOLLY ROCKERS
Boys Will Be Boys
Parlophone
Oh dear, here’s proof that being a generic girl-group of 6s isn’t enough to make you great. Seriously guys, who signed this shit? I will give the blonde on the left a wink when she serves me at Rochdale KFC at 2 AM next summer. And no, I don’t wanna go large.
2
KERSAL GUMMIDGE

SHINEDOWN
If You Only Knew
Atlantic Records
As far as I can see, this is exactly the same as Nickleback – and they were one big cock baguette, even eight years ago.
1
MJ HOLE

MSTRKRFT
Bounce
Last Gang
Listening to farty electro-house synths spluttering up and down gives me 2004 flashbacks that make me so glad that sanity won the battle and no one actually listens to this tripe anymore (other than people in luminous New Era caps that still think that Egg is the “jump off” on a Friday nigh)t. Not even N.O.R.E. can save this abomination.
0
SHEDDY TERINGHAM

KANO
Rock N Roller
Bigger Picture Music
Since Tinchy & Dizzee went dance I guess somebody at Kano towers thought he best get on that bandwagon too. They also threw on some Auto-Tune, which, coupled with the bizarre lyrics about how rock and roll he is, just makes him sound like a Kanye wannabe. It’s all pretty much the world’s biggest FAIL.
1
LUCIANO NINZATTI

ENTER SHIKARI
Wall
Atlantic
While not quite as far into the sonic insane-iverse as that bastion of total absurdity that was “Zzzonked” (their last nail in the coffin of “post-hardcore”), which sounded like Limp Bizkit covering the Vengaboys, this one definitely sees the band reach their lyrical zenith. To wit, the first two verses:

I’m gonna paste you up, cover you in wallpaper
Screw shelves into you and call you a wall
That’s all you are to me trying to keep people inside, inside your sordid little house. This is not white abode.

You can have skirting-board shoes and plug sockets on your knees
I’ll hang a painting on your lip
And put tinsel ’round it at Christmas
1(0)
BILLY BUNTER