You know what’s great about Monday? We get to sit around and listen to the billion dollar farts that are released as singles these days. Fab. The Vice Singles Club really is the most welcoming of places, so come in.

CHERYL COLE
Fight For This Love
Polydor/Fascination Records
Dame Cole wants her cake. She also wants to eat it, by squishing Lady Gaga’s ironic bi-pop with metaphors dunder-headed enough for tabloid reading morons to get their heads around. Whatever, this song was always going to be impossible to listen to without imagining her multi-millionaire husband getting fucked with a mobile phone.
3
TRASHLEY COLD

CHICANE
Hiding All the Stars
Modena Records
What this song is about I have no idea. It’s a chart friendly dance track I guess, but the video is where it all happens. The chick who sings it transforms into a female boxer as the song transforms into Gary Numan’s “Cars”. What the fuck? Can you just do that? Then it goes back to the boring start followed by the worst fake boxing imaginable. Buying this would be absolutely ludicrous.
1
WANK FARREN

SLAYER
Hate Worldwide
Amercian Recordings
It’s hard to be a Slayer fan. I mean, it’s mainly because they just aren’t very good anymore and when I say anymore, I mean for the last 20 years. This just sounds like any post Reign In Blood effort. It’s also not very far removed from the awful Municipal Waste thrash revival sound of the last few years. Too many solos, too American sounding, too much of everything, basically. If only they sat down and listened to Hell Awaits again. Clearly though, they’re gonna rule when they play next month.
4
MERRY MING

COBRA STARSHIP
Good Girls Go Bad feat. Leighton Meester
Decaydance/Fueled By Ramen
The bass player in an also-ran pop punk band reinvents himself as a one man Black Eyed Pea with Gossip Girl cast wank fodder as the Fergie-alike! Well fuck me. This sounds like a ringtone for guidos to fingerbang underage girls to.
2
FLID TOWN

MASTER SHORTIE
Bringing It Back
Odd One Out Music
I don’t know where to begin ripping this one apart before throwing it to my zombie dogs. Everything about this sucks, absolutely everything. From smug prick/shit rapper Master Shortie’s new-rave hangover outfits, to the video. Ha ha ha. It’s all so fucking bad. It’s like him “going back to the old school”. If we were going to his old school, we’d be talking about rocking a Nokia 3310 and Nike TNs. But as it’s cool to be down with the 80s, he climbs into a car that looks like Kit but has the powers of the Doc’s DeLorean and travels to Tron world. Oh I forgot to mention his name pops up in Godfather font at the beginning. His MySpace page defines his musical genre as “hip-hop/rock/funk” and he considers himself an “entrepreneur”. How surprising. What a div.
0
LETHAL DRIZZLE

MIIKE SNOW
Black & Blue

Downtown Records
What’s this? Some electro-y European band that Hypem went nuts over a while back? What a surprise that no-one fucking cares anymore. Fuck off Miike, go tether yourselves to Lykke Li in the dungeon marked “If You Can Name Five Successful Scandinavian Electro Pop Bands You May Have Your Freedom”.

2
FART

RAYGUN
Waiting In Line
RCA
Taking the piss out of this band is too easy. Once the Daily Mail is ragging on a band for being fakers, you know they’re dead and the critical death squad can move on. From here on in Raygun jokes are officially played out.
N/A

YOUNG SOUL REBELS
I Got Soul
Island Records

So basically this is like Band Aid/Live Aid but for child soldiers by the Brit-pack of today. Well, they sound and look like a bunch of kids to me, but apparently people like former grime MC Tinchy Stryder and Pixie Lott are popstars. I do like how the first rapper shown in the video is clearly reading the lines off his mobile, clearly the cause mattered so much to him that he didn’t even have time to learn his own lyrics. Presumably some of this money will go to helping the re-education of former child soldiers, so the grammatically incorrect title is a little incongruous.
5
KNOB GELDOF

THE VOLUNTARY BUTLER SCHEME
Trading Things In
Split Records
Jingle-jangle lovely indie-pop for adults who still pretend there is nothing to worry about. I have no idea what happens to teenagers who listen to this. I guess they just evolve into androgynous eunuchs with protein deficiencies.
3
JOHNNY BOVRIL

RAPHAEL SAADIQ
Let’s Take A Walk
Sony
Hey, you know what, this isn’t too bad. I mean, like everything else, it’s a montage of past styles. However, this time it doesn’t involve annoying/arrogant teenagers in clothes designed for Romanian builders. Not bad for the former frontman of Tony! Toni! Toné!. At least he’s stopped producing rubbish like Lucy Pearl.
6
MIDLIFE MARAUDER