We’d like to start this week’s Vice Singles Club by wishing Stephen Gately a safe passover to the other side. He will be sorely missed judging by what we have on offer this week. Anyway, on with the aural adventure!
ROBBIE WILLIAMS
Bodies
EMI/Chrysalis
Look at the cover. Look again. How can you not want to fight this guy? He is the worst guy ever. Worse than Kanye and Puff Daddy combined. You know how many bell ends in Hollyoaks/up north want to be this guy? He is to blame for 90 percent of tribal tattoos in the UK. Who actually listens to this shit? I am sure plenty of Northern mums (who think Robbie is “dead sexy and gives me the ‘orn”) will add this to their weekly shop of budget frozen pizzas, own-brand potato waffles and value ice cream in Rochdale Iceland sure, but will they like Robbie’s new Depeche Mode-esque sound? I don’t know and I don’t care.
0
JERMEMY TAKETHATSTON
3OH!3
Starstrukk feat. Katy Perry
Photo Finish Records
Is this emo R&B? Is this song about loving girls with big tits and fat arses or is it about rape? Bit confused on this one. Oh, by the way, I found a better version of this song with two teenage babes dancing around in their underwear here.
3
TRILL BILL
I’m in Ibiza Bitch
Party Rock/Interscope
Party Rock/Interscope
Northern slags, Essex geezers, “Jack ‘n’ Jills”, fish bowls, Bacardi and Coke, STDs… LMFAO? FOAD!
(BTW, guys, you think doing the same song slightly remixed is cool/original? Last person to do this was Scooter. And he fucking BLEW.
0
TRILL CLINTON
0
TRILL CLINTON
Medicate
DGC Records/Interscope
DGC Records/Interscope
Growing up is hard to do. Especially if, like Davey Havoc, you look like a Hot Topic beanie baby. This time around, they’ve jettisoned the last of the melodic hardcore strands they had and have gone full-on Vegas Stadium Goth – like some kind of Auto-Tuned take on The Cult’s Love album. Which is actually a lot better than it sounds.
7
FAG SKELLINGTON
7
FAG SKELLINGTON
THIS IS BY FAR THE BEST SINGLE OF THE WEEK. Is it a bit wrong to think a 16-year-old Disney star is hot? Probably not if she’s a billionaire.
9
WILLIAM TRILL
Contrary to the last review, this is the worst single of the week (okay, not as bad as LMFAO). “Party in the USA”? Really? Is this what’s going on over there, guys? You’re all wasting the last few bucks of your economy partying to Billy Ray Cyrus’s kids record? Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were America. Also, when I googled the single name I found no less than seven different covers for this single. To think all those American musicians died at 27 for this. Still, I do agree with her being hot.
0
KURT NOBRAIN
0
KURT NOBRAIN
So, Ash are back and the bass player appears to have a Bret Anderson-circa 1996 haircut in the video. They’ve decided to not release albums anymore, but 26 singles instead. OK, guys. This is more like a softer version of their glory days of 1977. Quite into it. Still got a good ear for melody.
7
TRILL MURRAY
7
TRILL MURRAY
Wheels
Roswell Records/RCA
It’s almost impossible to hate Dave Grohl. Although he’s sailing pretty close to the wind with this risible slice of sub-Tom Petty mid-paced lumpen nonsense – a sort of American take on Hod Rock. Dave, your cheeky smile will only keep you in our good books for so long. You might have to write something good again soon, my friend.
4
DAVE COURTNEY-LUV
Roswell Records/RCA
It’s almost impossible to hate Dave Grohl. Although he’s sailing pretty close to the wind with this risible slice of sub-Tom Petty mid-paced lumpen nonsense – a sort of American take on Hod Rock. Dave, your cheeky smile will only keep you in our good books for so long. You might have to write something good again soon, my friend.
4
DAVE COURTNEY-LUV
The cover of this looks a bit like a gay Jerry Bruckheimer movie. By gay I mean homosexual. This could be the title track too. Maybe the Lostprophets (why is that one word, btw?) could travel back to Wales (from the future, where they obviously reside) where, upon landing on the grassy terrain, are ambushed by natives who challenge them to a tops-off car park party, where they are beaten to death for being poser fags who make bad music for self-hating/world-hating/dad-hating, dyed-black-haired emo goth teens. Actually, let’s let them do their own stunts and we have ourselves the first ever celebrity snuff movie. It would be about a million times better than that fucking weird-ass Rammstein porno.
1
SMOKED-OUT ROBINSON
1
SMOKED-OUT ROBINSON
VP/Atlantic
What’s wrong with this guy? Is he actually Jamaican? I don’t believe it. Ja-fake-an at best. This is cemented by the inclusion of a picture of a Jamaican passport on the front of his MySpace page. Very odd indeed. He looks like an Asian rudeboy that might ask you to borrow 20p or a “spare cigarette” in Tower Hamlets. Do real reggae/dancehall fans even like this guy? Surely he’s a total embarrassment. Maybe a bit like what the Lostprophets are to metal. Saying all this, I am sure this will be especially big in BNP-voting areas. Which is pretty fucked up.
1
SHANE LYNCHED
1
SHANE LYNCHED
SKEPTA
Lush feat. Jay Sean
Boy Better Know
Where to begin… Okay, so failed grime artist (or should that be failed genre of music?) goes pop. Ice-T wrote a song about this on his record Original Gangster – going pop that is. The similarities between Ice-T and Skepta, however, end there. This is basically the opposite of the words original and gangster. Not parading around in a rented car with paid models giving their numbers out like confetti. That’s so lame and beyond pretentious, but it does give us enough time to forget you live with your mum. The song is shit too. On a positive note, this guy is very jokes. Have you seen his trip to New York? Maybe the funniest thing ever to grace the internet/the world.
4
BOY DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK
Lush feat. Jay Sean
Boy Better Know
Where to begin… Okay, so failed grime artist (or should that be failed genre of music?) goes pop. Ice-T wrote a song about this on his record Original Gangster – going pop that is. The similarities between Ice-T and Skepta, however, end there. This is basically the opposite of the words original and gangster. Not parading around in a rented car with paid models giving their numbers out like confetti. That’s so lame and beyond pretentious, but it does give us enough time to forget you live with your mum. The song is shit too. On a positive note, this guy is very jokes. Have you seen his trip to New York? Maybe the funniest thing ever to grace the internet/the world.
4
BOY DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK
All Babes Are Wolves
Anthem
I am only reviewing this because I think Brody Dalle is hot. Electro-punk is not. Goodbye.
Anthem
I am only reviewing this because I think Brody Dalle is hot. Electro-punk is not. Goodbye.
9
JOSH HOMO
JOSH HOMO
Modular
The Aussies (along with their wealthier, better looking cousins, the Scandinavians) have spent the last 40 years ripping off British and American rock music like a murder of deaf magpies. Sometimes it works alright (see Rose Tattoo or Radio Birdman), sometimes this unnatural, contrived take actually improves on the formula (AC/DC), but most often it sounds like the aural equivilent of a Primark knock off: cheap and quickly forgotten. Here’s the nadir of Antipodean fakery. Avoid like a shit-smeared tramp in a bus station.
2
HUNGRY HANDERSON
The Aussies (along with their wealthier, better looking cousins, the Scandinavians) have spent the last 40 years ripping off British and American rock music like a murder of deaf magpies. Sometimes it works alright (see Rose Tattoo or Radio Birdman), sometimes this unnatural, contrived take actually improves on the formula (AC/DC), but most often it sounds like the aural equivilent of a Primark knock off: cheap and quickly forgotten. Here’s the nadir of Antipodean fakery. Avoid like a shit-smeared tramp in a bus station.
2
HUNGRY HANDERSON
October 12th, 2009 @ 10:48
Reader Comments
October 12th, 2009
11:26 am
so wrong
October 12th, 2009
11:41 am
Is that Stephen Gately picture genuine/necessary?
October 12th, 2009
12:57 pm
fucking hilarious. if all guys had personalities like the people who wrote these reviews, i wouldn’t need to be so shallow. As it stands, they don’t, so long live HIMbos…..
October 13th, 2009
5:09 am
‘Who actually listens to this shit? I am sure plenty of Northern mums (who think Robbie is “dead sexy and gives me the ‘orn”)’
Has Vice London been taken over by sarcastic middle-class 6th formers ? Oh wait…
October 13th, 2009
5:23 am
this is the only column where vice consistantly sounds like its got its balls back.
consistantly. google or whatever
October 13th, 2009
7:54 am
It is nice to see that vice exceeds its usual pile of crap expectations with below-the-belt humor with the Stephen Gately image - One can only assume a bunch of free intern teenagers are still running vice???
October 13th, 2009
11:39 am
Sick. new lows for Vice